He left last night...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
He left last night...
3
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 4:43pm

just a little about my situation. We met when I was 20 years old (I'm 32 now), had been single for year and was still occassionally being stalked by my ex boyfriend and his best friend... long story there...

I met hubby through my sis who was dating his friend. After the first night we met, sis asked me what I thought of him. My response was "he's nice, but not at all my type". We ran into each other from time to time and chatted. Soon it turned into a real friendship. We would sit and look at the single ads together, listen to music he liked and laugh. We had a good time as friends. It turned into more after 8 months of knowing each other.

We dated for 2 years when I first told him of my doubts of 'us' being a 'forever relationship', expressed my fears at our lack of shared interests. He blew it off and convinced me it would be fine. Another 2 years later I questioned again, as we were ONLY doing things he liked to do, never what I wanted to do and I couldn't see him as a father (which was becoming more and more important to me--biological clock and all) and that concerned me. I also wanted to adopt some day, and he was opposed to it. We argue, talk, rationalize and all the rest. I break up with him... somehow I forgot (I have blacked out this time period entirely) and ended up engaged.

We were engaged for a little over a year and during that time, I questioned again! We almost split then (again, he would not leave and I admit, I gave in) and we went forward with our marriage.

We have been married for 6 years now, and things have never gotten better, only worse. My wants and needs are being ignored and he wants me to 'mother' him, fix his life for him instead of standing up and doing it for himself. Over 6 years, at least once a year we would have the "State of the Relationship" converstaion where he would promise me everything I needed, and I would get it... for roughly 3 weeks, then it would gradually return to it's former state. Also, during the 6 years, I have brought home books in an effort to help us communicate our needs better, recommended we seek out marriage councilling... each time he said "not interested".

Last year, we were having the "relationship" talk and it came out that he had been unhappy for 3 years! 3 years!! And he said he was praying for death to end his life so he didn't have to deal with it anymore. He told me he was contemplating Divorce (for MY sake, he assured). I was stunned to say the least! We were up til about 4 am that night, solved nothing, came to no terms. We were simply too tired to keep talking, so we went to bed. The next morning I get up and go get myself coffee. I brought him one back as well because that would have rude if I didn't bring him one back too... well, he took my bringing him coffee as a sign that we were "honky-dory" and never brought up him mentioning the D word to me. I was still very upset, hurt, sad, everything! And he was Fine!!!

After a few days (I know that that's partly my fault for not pressing the issue--I was scared, lame excuse I know), I tried to bring the conversation up again, which he denied ever saying he was thinking of getting a divorce... how can you argue with someone who never seems to remember what he's said?!?! I spend the year looking back at everything, how many times I asked him to do something I liked with me, him telling me "no", or "can't", or "not in the mood", how many times I have acted more like his mother than his wife, how many things have I given up for him??? It turned out to be so uneven of a relationship that I broke down! I tried again to set things straight, he saw no problem (well, of course not! He was given everything he wanted from me! I'm such a dope!). So now to 4 days ago I told him I wanted to seperate, each get councilling and then maybe try marriage councilling. I need to learn to not be an enabler and give up too much of myself, and he needs to learn to stop being selfish! He said no... well, after 4 straight days he left. He said he understood finally what it was I was saying, apologized, and asked me to promise not to leave him. I told him I couldn't make that promise, because I have heard this before... yet here we are AGAIN! He got mad that I didn't have all the answers and couldn't make that promise to him, so he left.

Sad reality is I feel nothing. Nothing, nada, zip! Not happy, not sad... I've been numb for too long that I fear that I am actually broken now.

So that's where I am today... we'll see what happens now

thanks for listening

tavi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:41pm

Hi, Tavi! I met my STBX around the same time you met yours (I was 19) and we were together until I was 31. So I completely understand where you're coming from. Like you, there were A LOT of warning sings before we got married. In my heart, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but I went through with it anyway (our son was 3 when we got married, so that had a lot to do with it also).


Like your H, my STBX would only respond to a crisis. He'd behave for a few days or weeks, then it was back to the same old think - never coming home, ignoring me and DS, spending all of his money on going out with friends, etc. It was like our family was a huge joke to him.


Perhaps you feel nothing because you are numb, or because you are truly done with the marriage. You can only put up with mistreatment and unhappiness for so long. Even if you don't end up going to marriage counseling, I would suggest going yourself. I have found it very helpful. Good luck, and please stick around.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:50am

Thanks! I'm sorry you're going through this as well... it sucks no matter what! Fortunatly, I have one hell of a support group in my friends and family! Thanks for the welcome!

tavi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 2:53pm

Tavi....


I assure you... you're not "broken"...


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~