He left ... now what?
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| Thu, 10-06-2005 - 5:29pm |
Dh is an alcoholic. He started the worst binge ever over Labor Day weekend while I was out of town. A friend of his connected him to another friend, female, who is getting a divorce due to her infertility. Dh ended up asking his friend for her number & they fell quickly in love over the phone.
He is so such bad shape I got him to the ER yesterday. They said he has so much alcohol in his system he will die if he goes cold-turkey. He would not agree to be admitted so they had to let him go after 4 hours of IV. After he came home he packed his bags & is now going to his new love who has never even spoken to him sober. (This is after he made me call her to see how much in love she with him.)
Today he lost his job due to the lack of working over the past 6 weeks.
WHAT I'VE DONE:
~ I've taken our checking account down to $25 - he is supposed to get his last paycheck tomorrow (automatic deposit). Then I will move that money into my new checking account & close that one.
~ I've moved my savings into a new account only under my name.
~ I've talked to his boss & she'll get back to me tomorrow in regards to his office supplies (he worked from home) and insurance information.
MY POSITION:
~ I work from home & my paychecks can very from $150 to $1,000 every 2 weeks. I would say they are normally around $450.
~ Dh paychecks would cover all the bills & my money covered food, gas, clothes, diapers & entertainment.
~ I have a 3yo & a 10mo. So I cannot think of a job that will pay me enough to cover daycare for 2 and all my bills. I had found it was cheaper for me to work at home PT than work full time while I was pg with my 1st child. (Web designer)
MY WORRY:
Because she is not able to get pg I worry she is looking at Sean to get his kids so she can have a family. So I need to know how to secure my children.
~ He has left the state ... does this help?
~ He is an alcoholic. For divorce purposes can a lawyer obtain hospital records to help prove this? Will checking/CC statements showing liquior store purchases a benefit?
~ He has never changed a diaper, given a bath, or even been with either child for more than 2 hours by himself -- if he's with another woman does this take into account at all?
HOW TO FIND A LAWYER IF THERE IS NO MONEY?
Due to this terrible binge we are behind in finances. He's out of a job. How do I find a lawyer I can afford & still feel safe I'm going to get my children?
HELP ME PLEASE!
Thanks,
Bonnie

Do you have family? If so, see if you could stay with them - file D asap. If he's an alcoholic, you can probably prove him an unfit father, at least until he goes sober, which sounds like a long-shot.
The most important thing is to protect your children - forget about him and his new "love"!!! Sounds like he hasn't hit bottom yet - don't be there to see it......
I'm not sure what the laws are if father leaves the state, but as far as I know I cannot leave the state of Oregon until I have full custody. I have no family in this state. I also do not want to lose this house if I can prevent it. I want to reduce stress as much as possible for my 3yo and I believe keeping the house & neighbors would help.
Wow, I wonder how low you have to get before you actually hit bottom.
NOW I NEED A PLAN:
His final paycheck has been deposited, so as soon as the bank opens I'm closing that account. But what do I do when he calls for money as I've taken everything away from him? Do I just tell him to let Lori take care of him? Afterall some of this does belong to him. Do I figure $10/day for food and send it weekly until 1/4th of this current money is gone?
Thanks,
Bonnie
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Do you send him money? NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!
If he calls for money, hang up. Then say to yourself, "I have banked your half and will withdraw from it as needed to support your children." You don't have to say this to him, because:
YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.
In fact, he owes you several hundred thousand dollars in future child support that I will bet you will never receive. If you have any life insurance on this man, don't let the premiums slide and make sure YOU remain the benficiary even after the divorce (this can be put in the decree).
Anytime you start getting to feeling sorry for him, I suggest you picture your fatherless children starving. This is what he has wrought, and you should not be sad, you should be mad. At this stage, anger would be a sign that you have a healthy sense of self, and are not completely lost in co-dependence. I cannot BELIEVE you made a call for him to find out if his new bunk-mate wanted him! (Later on, you will want to let go the anger, much later on. But right now it might help lend you strength.)
If he has abandoned you, left the State, and no one has filed yet, then it seems likely that you CAN move anywhere you please. But if moving is not what is best for you, then you won't have to double-check that with a lawyer.