He makes me so furious

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
He makes me so furious
6
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:21am

I have been meeting my stbx for visitation with the boys as a courtesy to him. Afterall, he created the distance by moving 4 hrs away and deciding he didn't want to be married anymore. Now I have decided not to meet him today and he is furious! I'm not helping him see the boys, I'm making it difficult for him to see his sons...blah blah blah, it's all my fault!
I did remind him he has family here and could stay the weekend with the boys, especially since our 7 yr old really wanted to go to his school carnival on Saturday. DS asked daddy if he could still go and daddy said, "Well, you could stay there and I'll just take your brother with me. Next time it can just be you and Daddy". WTH!! Of course, DS said he'd rather go with him than his school carnival. I couldn't believe his resolution was to take one son and not the other!!
Birthday of our 7 yr old is coming up and he has told me where he wants his party and who he wants to invite. I told STBX about it, and he said he already had made birthday plans for our son in TN where he lives. We argued over the weekend it would be on, because he gets the boys every other weekend. According to that, he would be with me on the weekend before his bday (bday on a monday). STBX says he had drill 1st weekend in Oct so that changes our weekends since he can't see boys that weekend.

Why do I always have to change everything to accommodate him?!!? I am so angry. Now because of the weekend swapping, he wants boys 2 weekends in a row (i'm sure he expects me to meet him 1/2 way). That means 7 yr old will miss 2 soccer games in a row! STBX will not stay in town with family so son can play in games. He won't attend birthday party here to meet his son's friends. He says son has life in TN and I can come to that party. I have no family there, nowhere to stay.

I am struggling right now. Am I being unreasonable, obstinate, selfish about my sons or am I really looking out for their best interest? Obviously, I want to do the latter. We haven't gone to court yet so we have no formal written agreement. The distance between he and our sons is really hard to deal with. He told me last night he will ask judge for every other summer with the boys instead of just 4 wks per summer as we do now that way he will sign the boys up for baseball their instead of here with their friends and I can travel to see games. This seems unreasonable to me. Or am I being nuts about it all? I need either a wake up call or some validation. Any words of wisdom?
Laura

Avatar for msally99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:42am

I don't have kids, so maybe I'm speaking out of turn here, but I think you have a very valid point.

Why did your STBX move so far away from his kids? (Is there a logical reason he moved, or did he just want to?) Seems to me that someone who really cared about their kids and wanted to spend as much time with them as possible would have stayed close by, especially since he has other family in the area, too.

I don't think I'd be as accommodating as you've been (though I think it's wonderful that you're continuing to help your boys see their dad). If it was his choice to move so far away, then I think he needs to make the concessions to see them.

Just my $0.02.

~ Carol

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 8:47am

Sorry that you are going through this. It is difficult when kids have lots of weekend activities and there is a distance to travel. I don't really have a resolution for you. As far as the switching to every other summer. I don't really think that that is a good idea. It would mean that only every other year they get a continuous block of time to bond with their dad. In that case it sounds to me like dad is more concerned with his problems and his convenience than for what is best for the kids. Also, it would be really difficult in the tween and teen years - imo. Also, if kids stay with a sport they really don't want to switch teams and leagues all the time. Generally, it seems that lately courts are putting the burden/inconvenience/cost on the parent who chose to move away from the kids. I would consult an attorney in your area and see what they think. Don't just go in empty handed come up with some alternate arrangements. Maybe only 1 weekend a month and then 6 weeks instead of 4 in the summer. It seems to me that the weekends are a problem because if he doesn't stay in your area, it is 16 hours of driving for a 2 day visit.

Good luck

Tina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:11am

Ex moved away due to being accused of sexually molesting his 12 yo daughter. We were together then, and the accusations came back unfounded by social services and police investigators. She hated living with us, wanted to go back to mom who had a completely different lifestyle from us (no rules, etc.). That's a whole other story. Anyway, he was a national guard recruiter in the schools and was concerned the accusation would hurt his career so he requested this transfer 4 hrs away.

I agreed to the move, even though I didn't get a say where we move. He moved Aug. 1 2005 and on Sept. 25 2006 he decided he didn't want to be married anymore, came home with wedding ring off, lied about where it was, etc. We were supposed to move with him after the house was ready for the market @ Christmas Break. That all changed with his decision.
And here we are today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:22am

Wow!.... OK, I told my EX up front that school activities


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 4:01pm
Thanks for the responses and ideas of what has worked for you guys. Sometimes, I really have to dig deep to make sure I'm really doing what is in the kids best interest and not my own selfish interest. My stbx does a good job of turning things around and manipulating me-- afterall, he had 10 yrs to practice on me!! I'm learning to stand up for myself and kids, and learning that it doesn't matter if he is mad at me or not. My nature is a "people pleaser", aka "doormat".
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 10:36am

This is how I handle it, too. I even had that put in our agreement that each parent during their time would take the kids to their activities. My x never wanted that but his lawyer told him to suck it up after a conversation with the custody evaluator. The way I look at it is it is the kids weekend. They have things scheduled, if it is your weekend and you choose to not go to the swim meet - oh, well your loss.

Tina