He is moving on....how to cope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
He is moving on....how to cope?
5
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 7:43am

Hi there!

I am going to try to make a long story short.....we are going to begin the divorce process after Christmas and my H is already talking to another women....one that he had an affair with ten years ago. We worked it out then and managed to stay together but he is talking to her again. She told me about a month ago that he planned on moving her here (IL) from SC end of this month and that when he was on business trips to DC he would drive his rental car to spend the weekends with her and her three children. He has since come to his senses about moving her here but still talks to her multiple times daily. I am in no way, shape, or form ready to move on like he is and the fact that he is is tearing me apart. How do I cope with these emotions? I become sad, angry and even bargaining....you know, the whole leave-her-alone-and-you-can-come-home routine only to realize that that is NOT what I want....I am just weak during those moments... How do you strong women deal with the OW in his life? Not her directly, but the idea of her....

Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 2:06pm
Your husband isn't ready for another relationship either. He just hasn't figured that out yet. It's a given that any rebound relationship that a person gets into before the issues are settled from the first relationship is doomed. Let me say...this is what keeps me going everyday when I think about my xh and his gf. This relationship started before our divorce was finalized. My xh is suffering the consequences of his choices as I sit here and type this mail. What your hushband may think is "love" or whatever is going to come at him full power and it will knock him off his feet. Just sit back and wait for the ride to begin. You will see what happens when cheaters cheat. Just to let you know, the OW will in the end getting what is coming to her too. She is a cheater too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 2:36pm

Nobody is strong in these things - it is hard on everybody. On us, on the OW (who ends up never knowing what is her part of the bargain, even when she appears to win)...
and the man does not really know what he is doing.

It looks to me that your STBX is simply afraid to be alone. So he just digged out his little black book, and did a random (or many random) call... it happen that on the other side, she was willing to listen. She may be willing to believe that he has been thinking about her ever since - its not true. she is just a cane for a stumbling man.

Do not change your mind, change your future because of that. Change if your feelings change. Change to follow your heart.

Keep your chin up, keep contacts to a minimum if you can, and avoid to think about it: pick a mental image that you will superpose on "hers" and "theirs" every time your thoughts drift... it will be easier if you are prepared. Pick something you like. Imagine yourself getting a new puppy, and choosing one (maybe you really will soon), or taking a trip you always wanted. Or think of your child going through an important moment... just ideas.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 9:54pm

As soon as my husband and i separated the first time, he went and got himself a girlfriend and some extra girlfriends incase the primary wasn't available. Most men can't be alone. They struggle with it and need validation when their relationship is ending.

She will be tossed aside as soon as he if finished with her. If not, it was not a relationship worth your concern.

Try to find something to do. I started painting by numbers and making crafts.

i know you can do it.

Good luck

Maddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:15am
Well, some of us have had to deal with the OW directly. STBX husbands can be very unfeeling in this situation. You confront him and simply say, "look, I am having hard enough of a time dealing with this. I expect some respect from you regarding your "girlfriend". I do not want her mentioned in my presense, nor brought into this house, nor anywhere near me until this is over. If you cannot do this, you are even less a man than I thought you were." Worked for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:43am

Hi Luv,


Your husband is trying to bandage his wounds by seeking out his old OW. How convenient for him!


The divorce process is a series of steps and revelations. It doesn't happen in one motion. Bargaining is one of the things we all do in divorce. Deciding not to be married any more is a big decision, then you have to deal with all the consequences of that choice, like one person (or both) "acting single" a long while before you're ready for it and often right in front of your very eyes.


For what its worth, the OW is a fool for getting reinvolved with your husband. She must not have learned anything from the last time.


I also agree you need to set clear boundaries with your husband. If the two of you are divorcing and separation is part of that agreement prior to the legal end of your marriage, then you need to tell your husband if he wants to play before the divorce is final he has to do it on his own terms, i.e. his own place, his own money, his own time.


If you haven't seen an attorney it would be wise to do so. They can advise you on your rights and obligations in a divorce and help you craft a legal separation agreement.


Good luck,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020