He is moving out!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
He is moving out!!!!
6
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 10:00am

Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great deal of conflict about this. But overall it is a huge relief to me to not have him moping around the house anymore!

We had a LONG talk last night, totally civilized (I didn't mention my suspicious about the A). I explained my POV re: I should stay in the house, then we reviewed what it would be like if HE stayed in the house. The reality is, the KIDS should stay in the house and my job is 30 hours per week v. his which is 60-80-100 per week so we agreed that I would stay for a couple of years, then make a transition if it proves to be to much for us financially. We DID discuss the merits of me moving out, but couldn't make that work as far as the needs as the kids go.

Turns out his greatest worry was that a judge would force him to split up his 401K account which would involve a penalty. As if I would ever expect that! So I assured him I would not allow that to happen. We have other assets that we could split when the time comes. He made it very clear he doesn't want to leave me hanging financially which SOUNDED like the most genuine thing he had said in a long time.

We are not going for a legal separation at this point...we are going to attempt to manage finances together and just call it a TRIAL separation, which we hope will make it easier on family and friends to accept. We are NOT placing blame, just announcing a mutual lack of happiness.

I'm now reaching a panic stage for how to make this work for the kids.

I told him we couldn't do anything until after school starts...but I assume he will actively be looking for a place to live. He does NOT want a small apartment...not sure what he thinks he will find.

FUnny, too, how at midnight as we were winding this conversation up, he specifically brought up ground rules for dating others. I finally told him I had no interest whatsoever in dating and could we talk about that another time. I'm SURE he will interpret that as permission to continue whatever relationship he has going now as long as I don't know about it.

Enough for now!

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
In reply to: elin
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:18pm
The red flags are flying - you really should protect yourself by having a document drawn up. He could be shifting assets to other accounts and you wouldn't know it. You have the most to lose here. JMHO, but I would hate to see you back here in a few months telling us that he cleaned everything out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: elin
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 12:57pm

I know, it sounds crazy to me too, but he was actually talking about putting money INTO an account for me. And he wants to change the beneficiary on several accounts from me to the kids. Whatever comes my way i will be sure to hang onto tight!

And I do know that once he moves out, I would stand a greater chance of getting the house if we had to go to court. The equity in that is approximately the same as the 401K.

It was very interesting, he was being so reasonable for a change. On monday while he is at work I plan to go through his files here at home and copy account info from every asset I can find.

Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elin
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 2:43pm

"And he wants to change the beneficiary on several accounts from me to the kids."

It is my understanding that there are a lot of kinds of accounts where you MUST not list a beneficiary who is under 18. Some financial instiutions/insurers will decide NOT to pay the beneficiary, and will hold their money for them in trust until they come of age. If your husband puts the kids on his life insurance, then you might lose your monthly CS from husband and have to wait until the kids turn 18 to receive any financial help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: elin
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 6:25pm

It sounds like you two are really getting along to resolve this.... just be on guard, and realize that on your end... and his... this is a business deal.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
In reply to: elin
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 9:24pm

>>Turns out his greatest worry was that a judge would force him to split up his 401K account which would involve a penalty<<


I don't think that's the

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2005
In reply to: elin
Fri, 07-29-2005 - 10:43pm

I remember the day my ex moved out sure at first the apt was empty ( he sure take a lot of stuff LOL) but at the same time I too felt relived and I never lived on my own before you see I always had a roommate and then my ex and I got engaged so this is the 1st time on my own AND I LOVE IT !! its me and the cats now ( 2 of them) its so nice to see no one moping around like you stated and its nice to know that not everything has to be neat and perfect and I am just me and now I don't have to deal with added stress in my life and like you my ex wanted to discuss the ground rules of dating but I told him none of my business who I move on with and neither is his so do whatever and my guy wrote down that I cheated on the testimony for our divorce I think he is thinking now for I am married and I have started dating LOL what a joke but anyways we are here for you now your free and you can move on to someone better and someone that will love you for life !!

HUGS and Peace