He Physically Hurt Me - Humiliated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
He Physically Hurt Me - Humiliated
11
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:01am

I haven't been to the board in a while....so, here it goes...

In May, my ex and I got back together. Like everyone already knew, the honeymoon phase would only last so long. We were supposed to go to counseling, etc., but that never panned out. After a few weeks, it all started again. He became verbally abusive, and ever so often he would push/shove me around when he got angry. He started lying and sneaking around again...same old crap he always did. He just wanted to use me as his doormat. But, something just snapped inside of me, and 3 weeks ago, I had him leave. I just couldn't take anymore.

I told him that I didn't want to fight and argue with him. I just thought that it would be for the best if we just ended things as they were. He begged and pleaded with me for a while, said he was going to kill himself, cried, etc. Then he became angry when I didn't cave in. He came into my house when I wasn't home and trashed everything. Still, I remained calm...until tonight.

We had mutually decided that our dd could spend more time with him than just every other weekend. He hadn't seen her in over a week and a half, so I called him yesterday afternoon and asked if he would like to have her some in the evening and take her to dinner or something. He acted ticked off, but said okay. I took her over, and she was happy, but he was extremely mean to me.

Well...he called me a couple hours later and told me to come and get her. It irritated me some due to the fact that I was busy working on some stuff I HAVE to get ready for on Saturday, but I told him to get her stuff together and I would be there in a few minutes. I pulled up to his dad's house (where he lives) and left my car running. I didn't even make it to the door before he ran out screaming and yelling at me. He was calling me every name under the sun and said that I couldn't have our dd, ever. I freaked out and ran to the door and he grabbed me by the arm and twisted it around. He let go when I screamed, but blocked the door. All the while, our dd was at the door screaming a crying. He backed away from the door and I went in to get her, but he was still yelling. Needless to say, she ran. He grabbed me as hard as he could and threw me into the wall and started shaking me. I started screaming and crying - dd was watching - even his dad was watching and he just walked into the kitchen. DD came running up to me, I grabbed her and ran to the door. He threw her clothes at me (which were off for some reason) and shoved passed me as I got into the doorway. The door slammed back and struck my daughter in the head which only made her cry even more. I got outside where he shoved me off the steps (all the while dd is in my arms - she's not even 2). I just kept going, but he pulled my arm back, swung me around and spit in my face while screaming vulgarities and names at me. Out of instinct or something, maybe survival or fear, I slapped him, which only made things worse. He told me to do it again and he would knock me down and he didn't care who was in my arms.

I don't know what to do. He's threatened that the next time he gets her that I better take a good look at her b/c I'll never see her again. I was going to go the police station, but I was scared. Furthermore, when we were separated before the divorce I filed for a RO, which was granted. But I was too scared to go to court, so my lawyer had some type of add on put in our divorce decree. But, I don't know if it went through b/c I STILL haven't received any divorce papers (or child support) and we were divorced in March (separated in November 04).

I just feel like crap and I don't know what to do. I feel so stupid for trying to make it work with him and humiliated that he did all this in front of our dd and his father. I just want to protect my dd and myself, and I just don't know how.

Kait

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Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 8:45am

GO to the police ASAP and report this guy. I'm sure you don't want your daughter exposed to this violence anymore. Get a restraining order, and don't look back. The fact that your FIL just went into the kitchen and did not assist you OR his grand-daughter is shocking. I'd worry about the fact that DD's clothes were off... (although she is 2, you said?).
Keep us posted. The people on this board are wonderful, and we're all here for you.
Take care,

Susie

RE-EDIT: I wanted to rephrase this: It's easier to get over being humiliated than is to to get over being dead because your husband went too far and beat you or your daughter to death. PLEASE BE SAFE!

Edited 7/20/2005 8:47 am ET ET by susieyippin




Edited 7/20/2005 3:27 pm ET ET by susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 9:21am
Call the police right now. He didn't just hurt you, he hurt his dd and you need to protect her. It's not going to look good if you tolerate him treating you and her this way, file a report NOW so that it is documented, and then call your attorney and ask about a restraining order. Have your attorney send a letter to him that any and all exchanges with dd will be in a public place like a McDonalds (where there are lots of witnesses and he can't get away with doing that again without risking that someone neutral will intervene or call the police on him) and that if anything remotely like last nights events happens again you will be requesting supervised visitation for him and dd. When you take dd to him or pick her up, try and have a friend or family member with you when you go, he might be less likely to try something like this also if there is someone with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 9:49am

Kait, he was a madman last night. People don't do that sort of thing just once and go on to be normal and human. It isn't the stress of divorce, either. It was a conscious choice. Your daughter was hit with a door, sent from the house naked, and threatened with being knocked down in your arms. This is very serious. He also said you would never see her again. That is at least a threat of kidnapping. I don't want to scare you, but it could be a threat of murder. HE said it, now HE is responsible for the consequences.

You need an RO, not only for you but for your baby. He does not care about her safety. If he has visitation, it should be supervised, and not by his father.

As for your being humiliated, that's what he wants. Yes, it is a natural reaction, but all the shame is rightfully his. He's the assailant. All you did was go to pick up your child. It isn't your fault. It's his.

Take care of yourself, hon. I don't recommend being ruthless in a "normal" divorce, but this is abuse. Be ruthless, because he already is. Big hugs and best of luck. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 10:24am
Everyone is right. Get a RO now. Talk to your lawyer and get him/her to file for one and get it now. Get the visitation exchange changed to a public place (like someone mentinoed), a mc. donalds parking lot, or better yet, the parking lot at the local police station. And ie he keeps it up, DO file for court-supervised vistation (obviously his father can't be trusted to act in your daughters best interest). I'd also question why she wasn't wearing any clothing. That's not normal.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:04pm

Kaitlyn,

Yes, everyone here is correct about going to the cops. He's dangerous and you need to protect yourself and your daughter as much as possible.

There's lots of support out there for victims of domestic violence. Try calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 for assistance. They can help you with specifics like what to do, how to document, and where to go for help.

It's pretty clear your EX has gone over the edge and he's willing to do anything to control you. And that's what his physical assault on you and your daughter was - an attempt to control you. Don't kid yourself.

I'd also be very cautious about allowing your daughter to be alone with him again. I wouldn't trust him with her at all.

Get in touch with your lawyer and do everything you need to do to protect yourself.

Take care. My prayers are with you.

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:25pm

Kait-

I'm so sorry this has happened. Don't feel like this is somehow your fault for giving him another chance. He's shown you he's unwilling to change and instead has chosen to become more abusive. Yes I said 'chosen' - abuse is about control, and he chose to attack you to try to re-establish control over you. You aren't responsible for what he did and you have nothing to be ashamed of - the shame is all his. But now that he's shown you how he's going to act, you need to act to keep yourself and your daughter safe. This isn't something you can handle on your own - you need to reach out and accept the help that is available to you. Taking that first step will be scary, but not nearly as scary as what might happen if you don't act.

I can understand your fear of going to the police, but what he did is a crime and if you don't report it he will feel like you're willing to take whatever he wants to dish out on you and your child. He's escalating his abuse - the next time the injuries to yourself and your dd could be much more serious. His actions and threats have me worried for you. You do need to report this and seek an RO if the one you have isn't valid anymore.

I think you would also benefit from contacting a domestic violence hotline. They can help you deal with this, by offering an ear to listen and referrals to local resources. You also might want to research local resources such as emergency shelters. He has violated your home once - it might be good if you had an emergency place to go to that he can't find.

You should also visit the ivillage domestic abuse board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
There are many people there who have had similar experiences and who can relate to what you're going through. There's also a board website with links to domestic abuse resources, general information, etc.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 12:25pm
Go to the police IMMEDIATELY.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:06pm

Please, please, please go to the police... And call your lawyer. Find out about the divorce. I would also file for an RO for both you and dd, and if at all possible remove visitation or suspend it. If that isn't possible, go for supervised. He has threatened to kidnap dd, after all.

Please do not feel ashamed. All of us here are suffering through a divorce situation, and some are nastier than others. Some of us were abused, physically and mentally. Mine was just starting with the physical abuse, and I am lucky I got out. You did what you could to try to make things work for you and dd, and you should be admired that you tried. But now you have to move on, fight fire with fire, or fight fire with water, and put him out. He has shown what he is willing to do, what level he will stoop to. Don't let him do it again, go to the police NOW.

We are here for you, we will never judge you.
I agree that you might want to reach out to victim's support groups or domestic violence groups. It will be very hard to admit it for the first while, but it gets easier, and once you are comfortable, these connections can really, really help.

Hugs,
L

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:34pm

<>

Yes, it could be a threat of murder. I'm sure most of us have heard of the woman from New Hampshire who is looking for the graves of her children? Her 2 kids were murdered by their father in July 2003 because he was angry over their divorce. He killed himself in prison before disclosing where he buried the kids. The mother is searching through the midwest for her son and daughter's remains. I believe she is in western Pennsylvania right now, looking for gravesites off the highway.

People can get very nasty during divorces, and do irrational things. The OP needs to protect herself and her daughter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Wed, 07-20-2005 - 3:44pm
The fact that his father did NOTHING to protect you or your daughter from his raging son's attack speaks very loudly that it is NOT a safe place for your daughter or you... ever! Get your lawyer to renew the restraint order AND have a new visitation order for a third party present (not any relative) during exchange and visitation. Your ex has threatened to take away your child and disappear with her... do not let him anywhere near her until your lawyer has fixed this. If your ex has keys to your current house/apt... CHANGE YOUR LOCKS!! Get the police involved! Having you too scared to go to the police is exactly what your ex wants!

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