Is HE right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Is HE right?
5
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 4:57pm

Here are some of my email convos with STBX. I think he's dealing out manipulative BS but it made me doubt myself. Please respond with opinions on our correspondense's.

ME--->I have been worried about you but I knew you were having to deal
> with things. I just see how messed up our whole marriage has been
> since we have lived as a married couple. It has been one thing
> after another. It is not that I don't want it to work, it just
> doesn't seem like it will. At this point in time I don't feel like
> I know who I am as a person anymore. We have tried time and time
> again. Do you see where I am comnig from? I have been so depressed
> through out our marriage. I now realize that my unhappiness was my
> own doing, not anyone elses. I just think we were both blinded
> from reality by what we wanted to see, not what was actually
> there. I know it was sudden but I just viewed our past few years
> together and it has been so much heartache. It was a reality
> check. I am not saying I don't hurt because I do. I want so much
> for you to be happy and accepting of yourself, you are a truely
> wonderful person. I want so much for me to find peace and
> happiness within myself and to
> squelch my restlessness.
> >
> >
> > ---------------------------------
HIM----> THAT WAS COMPLETELY SUDDEN AND UNEXPECTED. I WONDER IF U WERE
> PLANNING THAT THE WHOLE TIME AND JUST DIDNT SAY IT TILL U WERE FAR
> ENOUGH AWAY. BUT U DONT OWE ME AN EXPLAINATION. WHATEVER IT IS
> THAT HAS MADE U MAKE YOUR DECISION HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN STRONGER
> THEN THE HOPES AND PLANS OF OUR FUTURE AS A FAMILY. THE CHILDREN
> WE WILL NEVER RAISE TOGETHER IS THE THOUGHT THAT HURTS ALOT RIGHT
> NOW. IM SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE BACK BUT IVE BEEN VISITING
> SOME VERY LOW PLACES IN MY MIND LATELY AND THOUGHT IT BEST NOT TO
> DO ANYTHING THAT WOULD EXERT ANY MORE EMOTION. IM KEEPING THIS
> SHORT BUT KNOW THAT I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR DECISION BUT
> WILL NOT STOP U OR HOLD U UP IN ANY WAY. I WILL BEGIN THE PROCESS
> SOON. IM SAD U NEVER GOT TO SEE MY IMPROVEMENT FOR YOURSELF. U
> WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO LOVE ME MORE AGAIN. BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF
> MORE NOW. ITS A PROCESS THAT HAS NOW HAD A SET BACK BUT IN THE
> HOPES THAT U WILL SOMEDAY CHANGE YOUR MIND, I WILL CONTINUE TO
> BETTER MYSELF IN HOPE S THAT U
> WILL WANT TO BE TOGETHER AGAIN.
>
>
>
> ---------------------------------
HIM----> IVE HAD QUITE A BIT OF TIME TO THINK THIS WEEK SINCE I WAS OUT OF TOWN ON BUSINESS AND I REALLY THINK YOUR EXCUSES FOR GETTING OUT OF THE MARRIAGE ARE WEAK. LIKE U ARE GIVING UP TOO EASY. I JUST BEING BLUNT AND HONEST HERE SO DONT TAKE OFFENSE, OK? MAYBE IF I HAD BEEN A BETTER MODIVATOR FOR U THEN WE WOULDNT BE IN THIS MESS. MODIVATED U TO GET A BETTER JOB (ONE U ENJOYED MORE AND WERE U WERENT AROUND DEPRESSING DRUNKS ALL NIGHT). MODIVATED U TO GET OUT MORE. MODIVATED U TO TAKE THE ZOLOFT REGULARLY BECAUSE IT WAS HELPING WHILE U WERE TAKING IT. MODIVATED U TO NOT SLEEP YOURSELF INTO A DEPRESSIVE STATE. THESE ARE THINGS COUPLES DO FOR EACH OTHER. THEY DEPEND ON EACH OTHER FOR SUPPORT AND LOVE. WE BOTH SEEN THE OBVIOUS NEED FOR YOUR SUPPORT OF ME BUT IN REALITY U NEEDED THE SUPPORT JUST AS MUCH, BUT HEY, WHAT THE F@#K WOULD I KNOW? IM ONLY THE PERSON WHO KNOWS U BETTER THEN ANYONE ELSE IN THIS WOULD INCLUDING U............................

Me---> You have lied, cheated and neglected me. I have given you my reasons. That's that.

Ya'll I'm doing the right thing, right? I am so much happier without him but it's hard because the whole divorce makes me sad. Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
In reply to: cheri800
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:01pm

cheri
I myself am one of those work it out until it can not be worked out anymore type people.I believe that you should go thru hell and highwater to try. But as I read your last entry

Me---> You have lied, cheated and neglected me. I have given you my reasons. That's that.

If he has lied, cheated and neglected you then you do have reason to move on to a future without that....It was his choice to do those things just as it is your free will not to want to stay in the marriage.Only you know for sure if you are doing the right thing for yourself...Just trust in yourself and your own judgement..I am trying to do the same thing, but it seems like my emotions just change from day to day...I want to move on,my H is just never going to get better..but I have a very soft heart that just tends to get in the way...Hang in there and do what you feel is right for you........

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cheri800
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 6:35pm

I don't think he's being manipulative, it sounds to me like he wants to keep trying to make the marriage work and regardless of the problems he's created that's an emotion he's allowed to have. You don't have to agree with it and you don't have to do it if you know leaving is the right decision.

My ex-h had several months worth of emotions he had to just get out and I thought it was good that he wanted to get them out (although I would have prefered he done it with a therapist, it made me feel better about leaving if I could help him get through it in some small way). I would tell him I understood his feelings and I'm sorry this has to be the way it is and it's so hard, but that I wasn't going to change my mind, and then I'd let him continue on venting his frustrations.

If I were you I wouldn't worry too much about giving anymore reasons or justifying your position, even if he starts asking. Telling him 'that's that' is more what he needs to hear. Don't expect him to accept this divorce very soon. From reading his email, I'd say it will be a while before he'll be ready to accept it.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: cheri800
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:29pm

Cheri-

It is normal to feel some twinges of doubt/fear/regret/etc. during the divorce process, even when you know divorce is the right choice. It's hard to accept a marriage ending, even when you're the one pushing for it to end. In your emails you sound confident in your decision, and you mention he's lied, cheated, and neglected you. I don't remember your situation (if you've posted it), so it's difficult to offer an opinion based on just his half of the emails. Personally I interpreted them as manipulative, but first got the opposite impression so maybe I'm just jaded. But ultimately, no matter what we think it's what you think that matters. Is there any hope left for your marriage - i.e. do you still feel love for him, do you believe your problems could be worked on, you could trust him, you could be happy together if you both put in the work, went to counselling, etc., and do you believe you both would follow through on this? Or do you believe that this could never happen or you don't have enough feelings left for him to consider it?

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: cheri800
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 12:49pm

Oh yes, sang, you appear sooo jaded, lol!

I don't know, it is really hard to tell someone's intent through an email even if you do know them. I think it's reasonable to expect a lot of "don't do this" "you can't do this" "I can't believe you are doing this" and "you're not giving us a chance" from the person who doesn't want the divorce, even if they are the person who did the most damange to the marriage. You could call that being manipulative, but no matter what you call it, I just think it's expected behavior from someone fighting the idea and not wanting to accept the divorce is going to happen.

Just because the OP's husband wants to work on the marriage now doesn't mean the OP's decision is wrong (or that it's definitely right, it's her call to make). The title says "Is HE right?" and I think divorce cannot come down to black and white, right or wrong. It's more complicated and it's based on emotion, persepective, feeling and guessing. They can each have a different opinion and both know in the hearts they are right, and still never agree on that. That is all I was trying to say, not that he's necessarily unmanipulative, but that he has a right to his view whether the OP shares that view or not.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: cheri800
Mon, 08-08-2005 - 2:57pm

Oh, I wasn't disagreeing with your assessment. All I meant was when I first read the OP's post I thought 'yes, he sounds manipulative', probably because it reminded me of my insincere ex saying those types of things. Then reading your post made me look at it again and think that yes, someone who wasn't ready to accept a divorce would say anything, grasp at any straw to attempt to change it.

And I think you're right that there is no right and wrong in this situation. It's nice when people can agree on a course of action, but when you can't sometimes you have to follow what you know is right even if it means going against what people around you think you should do.

-sang