He said I dont love him like he deserves to be l

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2011
He said I dont love him like he deserves to be l
14
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 9:53pm
My husband of 15 years went on a two week vacation. We work together, so I kept the business going in his absence. We texted everyday while he was gone. I had planned a weekend trip to the beach and had established with him that I would not be home when he got back. I would be home the next day ( I felt I had a good reason to be gone). When I came in that night he was angry with me and told me I did not love him the way he deserved to be loved. Told me that I did not know how to love. I have to agree that I have not been a very loving wife in the past year. I had built a wall between us because he had been pushing to have a swinging lifestyle and I did not. Intimate relations always brought up the subject and an argument. He told me that he was tired of wasting time with me, that he was kinky and proud of it. Am I a pride to think this is unacceptable behavior? Apparently it is cause for divorce. Then because we work together in our own business , he says he hopes we can be friends. I don't think I want to be his friend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 10:24pm

I think that you are the one who should be mad at him because the vast majority of people wouldn't accept being swingers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 1:57am
My guess is that he's already been cheating since he craves the "swinging lifestyle" so much. You and him do not want the same lifestyle so there's no sense in staying together. If you want to continue to run the business with him that's fine. Have a professional relationship with him and nothing more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 2:18am

I don't know what a big deal it would be to get out of the business, but I doubt you can be friends under these circumstances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 7:43am
Thanks so much Tracy. What you describe is what I have been going through. My lawyer suggested counseling, my H said I should go because I needed it, but it would not make any difference. We each have grown children from 1st marriage, so that is not issue. I have always cut his hair and after filing for D he still expected I would do that. I told him there would be new boundries. I am also going to a divorce support group once a week. I have not shared the swingers information with the group or the counselor because it is just too humiliating. I know that I need to face that to heal from this D. My beach weekend was to meet a half sister I knew existed but had never met. It was important to me because my sister and brother had both died a few years ago . I told my H I was just searching for a connection for me and he said I sacrificed the marriage for that. He is a real control freak and I have allowed him to control me for many years. I just needed reassurance that my feelings that this swingers stuff is immoral and wrong and people can have enjoyable lives without this. I know I have to leave this firm that I have worked very hard to grow. Just never expected to be starting over at 57 years old.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 11:41am

Dear Pumpkin,

You seem to have faced your situation with strength and courage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 11:58am

Pumpkin, I also should have told you that my H thought I didn't give him enough attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 12:36pm
Cheating aside, I don't know how anyone could stand to be with their spouse constantly like that anyhow. When my H goes off and does his golfing 3 times a week that is HIS "alone time" that he can forget about family responsibilities and totally relax, and I would never want to impose on that alone time. Maybe he will find a clinging vine type woman that likes that much togetherness. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 1:32pm

Peaceyma,

I don't know whether he will find someone to fit the bill or not, and I'm not sure how I would like that to play out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 09-05-2011 - 1:57pm
Simply because some men can never be happy with what they have at home no matter how good it is. The attention of just ONE woman will never be enough for them because they need their ego stroked by more than one woman to feel like a man. My FIL was a serial cheater and I know of at least 1 affair and 1 attempted affair my H had, although I have seen some flirty e mails he sent to a women at work besides that (that he doesn't know I saw when he let me use his phone) These men are like babies craving constant attention and ego stroking. From what I've seen on the BS boards, I think a lot more men are out there seeking more attention from women than any of their wives will ever know. It's just that they haven't gotten caught yet. So sorry that your H couldn't be faithful to you. I know how you feel though. It really sucks when all you want is a good honest family life and they can't seem to just be satisfied with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 12:13am

Yes, my H could have had a fairly stress free life at home, but opted to make things chaotic.

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