He is very depressed
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| Sun, 04-22-2007 - 10:26pm |
For the past few weeks, I have been helping my STBX coach our daughter's softball team. We get along fine. Tonight he has text me several times telling me how sad he is and how he just wants to drive away and never come back.
He is mad that I am in the house with the kids and the dogs. He is mad at me for taking away his family. What family? He wishes we were 25 again and could start over. Why? All he did was go out with his friends and play on 3 baseball leagues. He had no time for me.
He claims he worked hard because of the money. He worked hard and became a millionaire because he loves power and control. He was never home. Never had time for me. I never did enough. Never enough sex. I even kept a journal to prove we had it 3 times a week when he was around. (He traveled 70% of the year for his job.) He went to Hawaii, South Africa, Asia(where he cheated on me with a prostitute). His trips were both business and pleasure.
I begged him to spend time with the kids and me. He needed to play basketball, baseball, and go to the gym. Oh yeah, the business dinners every night. They have now disappeared.
It's my fault because we didn't go to counseling. Oh we did, but when we left, he screamed at me because he didn't like what I said. I think we went 2 times in 17 years. Basically, I was just a pretty, smart woman and I was able to conduct myself in a professional manner at his VP functions.
Do you think it is acceptable for your husband to get text messages from women in the middle of the night? EX. "Oh, I am not sure if I can work for you, you may not be able to handle me!" "What are you doing tonight?" Or get text messages from other guys telling you to look for your own girls. (THen he stayed out until 3 without a phone call to me ever) Business dinner again. Oh yeah, that was the night of the big fire, that was on the news. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Fire chief told me there were no fires. Oh yeah, how about emails from your ex girlfriend with XOXO. I don't know if that is acceptable.
Oh!! He also told me that he couldn't support me. If I needed support, go get it somewhere else. He could barely support himself. Or the comment of maybe we should have an open marriage. You date, I date. Lead separate lives. Is he nuts??
Now I matter. Now the family matters. Now he misses doing things with others. He never let me have friends. He never wanted to socialize with my friends.
I am sorry. I am just babbling and reminding myself why I am getting divorced. This is our 4th separation and second time in the divorce process together. He is good at what he does. He has me questioning myself again.
I do not deserve this. I deserve to be respected.
I keep saying that, but I don't seem to believe it. This is just horrible.
Maddy

Maddy,
You do deserve to be respected. Work really hard at respecting yourself. Forget what he thinks. You can't change it anyway.
You have many reasons for leaving. His behaviour is doing what it's meant to be doing- manipulating you. He wants you to buy into it and second guess yourself. Good for you for coming here and working it out.
If your STBX is like mine, then being nice is the worst thing you can do. I had to learn that letting him come for dinner and whatnot only made him angrier because "this is the way it's always supposed to be. You, me and the kids under one roof, blah blah blah." But, very much like you, those things didn't matter until it was too late. I just stay away. Perhaps you might want to try the same? I'd block him from sending messages etc.
Stay true to yourself. You'll be fine :)
maddy
do not second guess or question yourself. you know the answers.
stay strong.
what
He is making it very difficult for me. I feel like I am making a mistake again, but he did not make me matter. I had the way I feel. I don't even get peace in my dreams. I started to see my therapist again because I know that I can be easily swayed.
Why does he do this? When he had me, I was never good enough. Now I am? He'll change. How can I be with someone who told me he could not support me and that if I couldn't support him and the children and my ailing parents than I should go find someone else. Who says that?
Then he said, why don't we have an open marriage and still live in the same house. What the heck? He has already given me HPV the cervical cancer strains from his girlfriend while we were separated the first time.
I even think of the lies when he claims he only slept with one woman other than me. Yea right!!! What about the emails I read about his long nights with another woman and how much she loved him. A senator's daughter I might add. (Butt ugly too!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Why do I question so much? He didn't see me as a wife. Or my perception of a wife. I was his prostitute, his cleaning lady, his nanny and once in a while the woman who would go with him to functions.
He always told me that I had a sexual problem. Yes, him. He made me feel like that was all that mattered. He even made me have sex after I had surgery. He needed to feel loved. Bull>
Sorry, venting!! I am just afraid and I don't want to go back.
Maddy.
Oh Madison,
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i can totally relate to this. it isn't a good feeling is it? i am not sure if i missed something in one of your posts, but by chance does your stbx have some sort of addiction? alcohol or drugs? sometimes, the codependency is out of control and they put alot of guilt out there for others to deal with.
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i remember going to my functions with my stbx. he would walk up to a business associate or someone would approach him, and he would start talking. eventually, i'd get p.o'd and stick my hand out and say, "hi, i'm what, stbx's wife, nice to meet it."
it became laughable. it was almost like he was either embarrased to be with me, or more than likely, now that i know what a narcissist he is, he felt i wasn;t "important" enough for an introduction. just the little woman behind the "big" man. :-/
i know its really hard to remember this Maddy, but continue to look forward. you can do it.
take care
what
MAdison,
I strongly encourage you to go to counseling. You need to know how to cope with his manipulation and guilt-laying tactics. As for your STBX, he's suffering from regret but also feeling guilty about things (yes, it's possible...you don't miss what you have until its gone.) And, frankly, he may be worried what a divorce will cost him financially. Hence, the guilt trip and the attitude.
Get some counseling and get a good lawyer.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020