He Wants To Make An Agreement

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
He Wants To Make An Agreement
9
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 1:31pm

Okay ex and I were in court on Friday. For the first time since I dont know when he actually sat with me. Usually he acts like Im a total stranger when we're in court. As you can imagine when ex acts "decent or civil" I have to be on my guard because he usually wants something that will benefit him ofcourse. No different that day. Here it goes: see he wanted the c.s. payment to be reduced because he cant afford to pay it according to him. Currently it was set at $50 a week but b/c he hasnt paid in like 4 mths now that he's working they are taking $80 a week until the arrears are paid off. He owes like 2 grand. Last year he sued me for "his stuff" in the apt. He was awarded $1250. Needless to say to I dont have it. I have to move out by Dec 1st.

So in court he says to the judge about what I owe him and can that be deducted from his arrears, the judge said he has to work that with me. He isnt reducing the amount based on him working part time, mind you he only bought 2 paystubs. What I dont get is he's still claiming he's getting public assistance. Go figure. So the judge told him since he's to graduate the end of this month and his school will be helping him find a job the order stays the same and we'll come back in February where he is to bring paystubs from a more stable job and we'll work from there. Ex was not happy.

He's crying broke, he cant afford the $80 out of his check every wk, etc. Then he says I never gave him a chance to see if he'd support our son just took him straight to court (true) but when everything you thought you knew, you found out was a lie all I thought about at that time was securing my son's well being. He's asking if I will CANCEL THE CHILD SUPPORT TOTALLY. Give him a chance to get on his feet, show me he will support our son without the court involved. If he doesnt keep his word then I can take him back to court. Apparently his visa will be up and he will be denied his citzenship if he's owing back child support and can be deported. He tells me Im strangling him. Why cant I let go of the rope I have around his neck. He says he's will to stop the custody case he started as long as I still let him get our son every other weekend and we can be done with court totally. He's willing to stop the custody case gee could it be because his lawyer told him the psychiatrist ruled in favor of me having sole custody?

What the hell do I do. He's developed a relationship with our son, a constant one. I dont want to rip that from my son now. I'd be willing to remove the $1250. I owe him. But stopping it all together even the rest of the arrears which would be $700. Im in a financial mess myself. I have to move in with my sister, put my things in storage until I can find another apartment. Im on the waiting list for public housing but god knows how long that will take and that's not the greatest place to raise a family. So Im hoping that though it will be cramped I will be able to save like a maniac and try to buy a house somewhere down the line. My son will be losing his room and everything and ex is crying broke to me. For months when he didnt pay a dime on purpose he didnt care about me or how we were surviving. He's saying he's sure some weeks our son wont need any money. What! Doesnt the babysitter have to get paid. What about laundry, and all the other expenses. He wants me to show him good faith. Give him a chance. My friend says if he gets deported too bad. But then my son looses his dad again. Oh God what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:27pm

You do NOT do anything outside of your court orders, without a court order. Believe me, I learned the hard way on this. It doesn't matter if you both agree. you have to get it in a court order.

The judge WILL NOT erase child support. He is financially obligated to care for the child. Don't do this. he's trying to manipulate you. Of course he's acting nice now-he wants something. And it seems he's using the child card to get to you "we've developed a nice bond-I wont be able to see him....."

Please trust me on this: Dont do it. Dont agree to anything outside of the court orders. Keep goign to court for things.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:28pm

This may sound harsh, but I say let him get his butt deported. This is something he has control over. If he's being too lazy to save himself then so be it. He wants you to show you trust him by dropping the child support, but you know darn well he won't pay a dime unless you force him to. Also, I suspect that since you said he's not showing pay stubs that are complete, he'll miraculously be able to pay up and avoid deportation.

From what you've said you're having a very hard time yourself, and if he was really trying to be a decent human being he'd make every effort to see that his son wasn't being forced into near homelessness.

Do not give into his ridiculous boo-hoo-woe-is-me nonsense. If he winds up deported and your son can't see him for some time then that is his fault, not yours.

I'm so sick of SOME men behaving like this. As if the small amount of child support they need to pay is out of line. My own ex behaves as if I have the financial death grip on him for squeezing $250 a month out of him for TWO KIDS. "I have a car payment to make" ..."dvd sales weren't that good"..."my skanky gf needs more skank-wear"...whine whine whine

Yes, I sound bitter today. Sorry.

Good luck to you. I hope this all gets resolved and your son doesn't lose his dad. I also hope things turn around for you financially. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 4:41pm

I hear what your saying 99% of me says eff him. It's his problem. Then I think about our son. I dont want him to loose his dad. The kids in this mess are innocent. I still have some bitterness creep up on me towards ex once in a while, for the most part though I've just made my peace with it. This "situation is a mess" I dont and cant trust him. Im sure he's just looking for a way to make things easier on himself. He knows child support doesnt play. And when he gets a better paying job 17% of his salary will go to me. When he doesnt pay it doesnt get forgotten. Him doing it on his own, for a week or month that he doesnt pay, its not like it's gonna build up ya know. So surely this would be to his advantage. I have been burned by him in the past of giving him extra time with ds and he would be nice prior to getting it and as soon as he got it he went back to being an s.o.b. I dont think this would be any different.

He's got twins with the ow he cheated on me with and Im sure his 20yr old gf he has now is tired of footing the bill. It's not that I feel sorry for him. Im just thinking about our son and the fact that he doesnt know any of the grownup stuff that's going on just that he loves daddy. It hurts when he says he wants to see him and I know it will be a week or two before he does, and for that to go to him not seeing him at all if he gets deported damn.

I mean yeah he only has himself to blame.

Truly, what would you do if faced with this situation? Bitterness aside LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:26pm

Bitterness aside, I think I would at first feel exactly like you do. I'd likely try to help him whether he deserved it or not. But, I really do feel like in the end I'd have to let him figure it out on his own.

When my ex first moved out I felt very sorry for him. I felt like maybe I was just being a heartless b**ch and started going back into caretaking mode. It's pretty funny, but I felt so sorry for him and his gf being broke that I actually gave him money so they could buy food. Ridiculous? Me trying to help support ex and new gf? I only did it once and then I let him figure it out from there.

I do understand your sympathy for your ex, but you need to let him work this out himself. Your primary concern should be how you and your ds are going to make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 6:49pm

If he is really trying to pay $80 a week in child support, then couldn't he get a part-time job to help cover that until he's caught up? I remember selling plasma in college, and that pays about $50 a week here in the Midwest.

If not that, then get a newspaper route or some crappy job that has flexible hours, just until the back-pay is taken care of. Then it will be back to $50 a week and that might be more affordable??

In other words, grow the "beep" up and do what's right. If he truly wants a relationship with his son, and I am not denying that he does, then what a wonderful lesson to teach him, to be responsible and work hard to do the right thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 8:10pm
Sorry to say this, but it sounds like your guy created his own misery. Abide by whatever the court decides. Don't give him any 'outs'- it just sounds like it will end up burning you and your son. You are not responsible for his relationship with your son- he is. He should support him. If he feels he can't afford it, he needs to make it important enough to figure out how. You take care of yourself and your son- let he and his attorneys worry about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:46pm

Nevermind that he got himself behind.... $50 a week!.... he should be bowing down in praise that he doesn't have to pay more.


I do think


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 2:21pm

Ahhhhh Guilt..... they are so good at using it against us. We as women are instictually nurturing.

Courts use guidelines to set support, they won't make him pay more than what is justifiable. If he can't seem to 'afford' it, then maybe he needs to change his spending habits. My husband cries poverty too about the support I get, yet, he can afford to go on 2-3 vacations a year, go hunting and out partying. I can't afford any of that. I DON'T let his guilt ploys get to me. I am doing what is best for my children.
I think you gave yourself your own awnser.....

"Then he says I never gave him a chance to see if he'd support our son just took him straight to court (true) but when everything you thought you knew, you found out was a lie all I thought about at that time was securing my son's well being."

And that my sweet is all you ARE doing! You are securing your son's well being. There is more to being a parent than seeing your son every few weeks. Don't let him manipulate you with feelings. Stand your ground, keep your chin up and work hard for you and your son's future. Your soon to be ex holds his own future in his hands, and you are not responsible for it. Don't give in!!

I do also agree about the money you owe him, do a written agreement to take it out of the arrears and wash your hands of it, so he can't hold that over your head any longer.

Amie

Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 5:59pm

Well a