He wants to try....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2006
He wants to try....
6
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:50pm
Just to recap, my dh and I are still living together. He decided a few months ago that he definantly wanted a divorce. He has been having mental issues due largly to his Mother's year long struggle with cancer and her passing a year ago last november. He has not been able to get over it and decided to distance himself from the kids and I. There have been a lot of issues including the fact that he decided drinking made him hurt less and the fact that he had a female "friend" which he hide from me. I don't know that there was a physical affair but the fact that he had a relationship with another woman that he activly hid from me makes me consider it an emotional affair. The last 2 years have been hell with dealing with MIL's illness, my Grandfather passed away after a bout on live support and family confrontation about the situation. My dh worked out of town for 5 months during all of this which aided in his distancing himself from us. He has now decided that he wants to try and make our marriage work. We have been married for 9 yrs, together 11yrs and have 4 wonderful kids. I do love him with all my heart but I don't know what to do anymore. He has said he is willing to do counseling and seek help for is depression. Any suggestions? I'm so confused I don't know what to do....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:55pm

I separated from my STBX three years ago. We went to counseling and attempted a reconciliation. Three years later, we are divorcing. Now, that's not to say it can't work.

I would definitely suggest you and he giving counseling a try and see if that helps. In the case of a reconcilation, BOTH parties have to be 100% committed to making it work. If one or the other decides not to put the effort in...well, I think that makes it impossible.

Try counseling for a few months, and see how you feel. I don't think it will hurt if you put the divorce off a little longer. That way, you'll know you gave it your all, no matter how it turns out in the end.




Edited 2/15/2006 6:51 pm ET by justiceandtruth
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 1:34pm
I am very likely going to be in the minority here, but here is my opinion. I would jump at the chance you've been given, even today. My divorce is killing me and my children. I truely wish I had never had the children because of the amount of pain they are in. I love them to death, but I would give them back if it meant they didn't have to hurt like this. My divorce was not my choice. My divorce is not God's will. My divorce lies solely in the lap of my ex husband. I still love him dearly. I do not believe his excuse of "I don't love you anymore" is a good enough reason to tear a family apart. He never even told me there was a problem. You have the unique opportunity to fix what went wrong. You know you have both been under a lot of stress and that takes time to work through. Go with him to the doctor. Go with him to counseling. Try and fix this for your children and yourselves. You say you still love him, reach into that love to find the strength to work this out. I want to recommend an excellent book. Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. It is a wonderful guide to figuring out what you really want. I do not know if you are spiritual or not, but prayer never hurts. I still pray everyday that he will come home. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:42pm
I agree. If he's willing to do counseling, go for it. Insist that he attend solo counseling for himself - he's obviously dealing with grief, depression and substance abuse issues. You should also do couples counseling. This is no time to make a decision like divorce - neither of you is thinking clearly because of all the emotional turmoil you've been through. If you loved him before and would still want to be with him if he weren't acting this way, stick it out - it's just a (big) bump in the road.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 10:06pm

This is a difficult decision... Based on what you've said in your post though, I would recommend helping your h seek counseling and treatment for depression and also begin counseling, either by yourself or with your h.

The counseling should help you work through your concerns and help you figure out what you really want at this time. Like another poster mentioned, to reconcile, it really takes two... but at the same time, I wouldn't run away from his williness to try, if he puts some action behind his words...

I don't see that counseling would hurt at all... it could help in so many ways, to clarify what you want for you, him and your children's futures... it could be the beginning of the strongest part of your marriage yet... or it could make you realize that divorce is the answer... in either case, you'll be more certain of the path you choose, which is critical so that you do not wind up second guessing yourself to death...

Good Luck and keep us posted on what you decide!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:58pm

you got some great advice here .... you know, no matter what happens in your marriage- you and your dh are going to be parents of four kids for the rest of your lives. it would be good for your kids if you and he could work things out, but even if not - it wil be great for your kids if your husband overcomes his issues.


its very difficult - i don't know what your marriage was like up till this point. but as the others pointed out - if your husband is willling to go to therapy - then its worth a try. but you should also make sure not to let him control this entirely. figure out what is acceptable to you - and set some realistic time tables . for example, you will go with him to couple's therapy for six months, during which time he will go to individual therapy. etc.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 2:22pm

11 years and 4 children is a pretty big investment.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~