He wants to try....
Find a Conversation
He wants to try....
| Wed, 02-15-2006 - 12:50pm |
Just to recap, my dh and I are still living together. He decided a few months ago that he definantly wanted a divorce. He has been having mental issues due largly to his Mother's year long struggle with cancer and her passing a year ago last november. He has not been able to get over it and decided to distance himself from the kids and I. There have been a lot of issues including the fact that he decided drinking made him hurt less and the fact that he had a female "friend" which he hide from me. I don't know that there was a physical affair but the fact that he had a relationship with another woman that he activly hid from me makes me consider it an emotional affair. The last 2 years have been hell with dealing with MIL's illness, my Grandfather passed away after a bout on live support and family confrontation about the situation. My dh worked out of town for 5 months during all of this which aided in his distancing himself from us. He has now decided that he wants to try and make our marriage work. We have been married for 9 yrs, together 11yrs and have 4 wonderful kids. I do love him with all my heart but I don't know what to do anymore. He has said he is willing to do counseling and seek help for is depression. Any suggestions? I'm so confused I don't know what to do....

I separated from my STBX three years ago. We went to counseling and attempted a reconciliation. Three years later, we are divorcing. Now, that's not to say it can't work.
I would definitely suggest you and he giving counseling a try and see if that helps. In the case of a reconcilation, BOTH parties have to be 100% committed to making it work. If one or the other decides not to put the effort in...well, I think that makes it impossible.
Try counseling for a few months, and see how you feel. I don't think it will hurt if you put the divorce off a little longer. That way, you'll know you gave it your all, no matter how it turns out in the end.
Edited 2/15/2006 6:51 pm ET by justiceandtruth
Hugs, Brenda
This is a difficult decision... Based on what you've said in your post though, I would recommend helping your h seek counseling and treatment for depression and also begin counseling, either by yourself or with your h.
The counseling should help you work through your concerns and help you figure out what you really want at this time. Like another poster mentioned, to reconcile, it really takes two... but at the same time, I wouldn't run away from his williness to try, if he puts some action behind his words...
I don't see that counseling would hurt at all... it could help in so many ways, to clarify what you want for you, him and your children's futures... it could be the beginning of the strongest part of your marriage yet... or it could make you realize that divorce is the answer... in either case, you'll be more certain of the path you choose, which is critical so that you do not wind up second guessing yourself to death...
Good Luck and keep us posted on what you decide!
Julie
you got some great advice here .... you know, no matter what happens in your marriage- you and your dh are going to be parents of four kids for the rest of your lives. it would be good for your kids if you and he could work things out, but even if not - it wil be great for your kids if your husband overcomes his issues.
its very difficult - i don't know what your marriage was like up till this point. but as the others pointed out - if your husband is willling to go to therapy - then its worth a try. but you should also make sure not to let him control this entirely. figure out what is acceptable to you - and set some realistic time tables . for example, you will go with him to couple's therapy for six months, during which time he will go to individual therapy. etc.
good luck
11 years and 4 children is a pretty big investment.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~