He will not communicate AT ALL...
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| Sat, 10-15-2005 - 11:20pm |
I guess I am just needing to vent since there is no more answer for this than for anything he decides to do. I am tired of trying my best NOT to be or act like a victim---I just cannot figure out how not to be I guess. Stbx has not taken phone calls, or emails or communicated in any way LITERALLY at exchanges etc for almost a month. I tried ignoring it, tried leaving a note, he has the oldest daughter (9 years old) tell me things if it is about picking the children up. He won't answer me if I try to call he hangs up or puts the kids on. I cannot exchange info like please send long pants this weekend, or can you send their coats? He MAKES the girls bring their 'dirty clothes' back or they get fussed at; says he doesn't want me to wash them, if I send them home he tells the girls he is going to rewash them because I am unclean and so is my apartment. Whenever the girls say anything about that sort of stuff, I try to quickly distract them or change the subject, as I don't think it helps for me to defend myself and the court order says we are not to talk anything about the divorce or the other parent unless it has to do with visitation etc.
Or he sends ME emails if he has some edict...I must pick the children up at 6 pm because HE says so. I cannot call on the days he has them if I want to talk to them before 6:30 nor after 7 pm so as not to interfere with their dinner or evening routine.
One morning week before last our 4 year old had a cold, was snuffly through the night. I gave him extra vitamin c and ran the humidifier. He wasn't too bad when I put him to bed that night, but the next morning he had a slight fever and was very snuffly and coughing. So I gave him one childrens dose of kids tylenol cold medicine. When I took the children to his house he would not speak or come to the door. I tried to tell the grandmother, through the screen who would not come to the door either. Our oldest knew I had given her brother medicine, but I do not think that is appropriate to try to tell her to tell the father either. I sent him an email when I got to work with the exact time I'd given the dose, how much and the exact brand etc of the medicine.
Tonight he came to pick up the kids...staying way way down the sidewalk; we had the bags ready etc. One of my little girls had just started to ride off on a friends bike; they were taking turns on the sidewalk in front of our door. Anyhow somehow the friend got tangled in the handle bars and my daughter over compensated in turning it I think and somehow crashed close up against the building. She is 8, not usually too hysterical. She got a scrape on her knee and one thigh, but then the top of two of her fingers got the skin pretty 'scrunched' back...it did bleed more on one finger than the other. I hugged her of course and we went and got the scrapes and the fingers cleaned up a bit; I put neosporin on all, and band aids on each of the tops of the fingers. I wished I had larger bandages, but I did what I could. Meanwhile he is standing out there with his arms crossed acting irritated. One of the other children ran ahead to tell him it would be a minute, then the dad got him buckled into the truck and wouldn't let him come back to
give me a hug, so he started crying. I walked the children down to the truck. Stbx basically almost runs around the truck, locks the back door where he had put the one son in, then got in the drivers seat and shut the window, staring straight ahead. He hit the automatic door remote and the back door opened. I helped my daughter get in and get buckled up, trying to speak to the ex in a calm manner (though she was crying again since she hit one of her fingers as she got up into the truck). He would not turn his head, would not answer me at all of course, told the daughter to tell me to shut the door, that 'daddy will take proper care of you when we get out of this place and to your real home' ---- so I just hugged her and said she could call me and let me know how she was if she wanted later of course (he won't let her I am sure.) That seemed to calm her down and I shut the door and walked away. I wanted so bad to just scoop her up and walk back down the sidewalk with her...but that would just be stooping to his level and doing the same sorts of things he does THROUGH the kids. I look at their little faces though and see how THEY see me STILL doing what HE SAYS. I thought there would someday come a time when that could stop to some degree. He still controls everything in front of them just like before. If I were to be disagreeable or argue it would only hurt/upset the children, so I generally just try to make some sort of assertive short statement and then stop talking or walk away...but it seems so pitiful, so useless. His need to control the smallest things knows no limit, still, yet.
And no, neither of these situations are huge; but I am uneasy about all this. I know he is busily keeping a 'divorce log'. I don't know if I should have made a bigger deal of this or not; from a mommy's point of view, in normal times, I may have taken another look at her fingers tomorrow morning and then maybe taken her over to the weekend clinic. I am fairly certain it is not too bad; but I second guess myself so continuously with all that is going on, I do not know if I am overreacting or underreacting.
I do not have a lawyer to run in Monday morning with a motion of some sort and get the judge to 'slap his wrist' and tell him to act like an adult and be more responsible in our communications and mature. I just keep going on, day after day, doing nothing it seems, feeling useless - just waiting for that stupid final custody trial, which I pray is really final so that there is some closure for the children as well as myself. They so need to know who they are going to be with, and when. 10 months this has been going on now. I am sorry to whine; there are so many moma's out there with serious, serious problems in their divorce process---I try to just suck it up and remember these too are consequences of my decision, fully thought out for a long time, that I absolutely could not stay with him one day longer, that it was time to get the divorce. I so did not know he would do this kind of stuff with the children though; I just thought he was going to fight me; I put him up on a pedestal when it came to the kids; I was wrong. Hoping for some peace soon, and that my childrens hearts are protected during this time. Annah

You are not whining and I'd need to vent all that too.
(((Hugs))) Wow, you are a much better woman than me!!! I would have flipped by now. It's got to be so painful to have to watch this. Are you keeping a log of these events? You are NOT overreacting to this in any way! He's trying to
I document everything, keep copies of notes, and kiss my girls goodbye before he arrives to pick them up and don't go near the door when he arrives. Why give him the stisfaction of thinking he is geting to me and also avoids confrontations in front of the girls. I also find this a difficult way to parent but I truly believe that he is trying to get to me by hurting dds. It is not fair and I also have trouble dealing with it at times. I know that some day my daughters will look back and realize what is happening. I agree that in my case anyways it is a form of PAS because younger daughter in particular comes home very angry and tends to stay that way for days. I am going to take them for counselling (kicking and screaming I'm sure) because they have lived in a household where this is behaviour existed for all of their lives. There were times when he didn't speak to me for days because he was angry about one thing or another.
My only advice is to hang tough. This is only their way of trying to regain the control that they have lost. Unfortunately they are using our children. When it goes to court the judge will see that you have put forth every effort to co-parent. So just document everything and keep you chin up. Don't let him think that this is bothering you even though it is.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain...I can empathize with you about how hard it is to deal with a hyper-controlling and ridiculing ex. All my kids ever heard from him about me was negative, they pick up on the tone of voice and body language even if abusive words are not used and the situation worsened after divorce. Just know this, my kids, now that they are older and they are seeing mom on her own, are beginning to doubt his attitude. Yours will too one day.
I agree with the others--you have every right to vent your frustrations on this board--you're in quite a difficult situation. I sure hope you're keeping a written record of what happens at exchanges and while the kids are with you. I would even hide a small tape recorder in my pocket and record his hateful comments.
The comments about the laundry and proper care were definitely inappropriate. When I hear rediculous stuff about me/my actions repeated from the kids or in front of them, I say to the kids, "Now what do you think,..." If your home is really not dirty and if you really do take good care of them, they will know dad is full of bull. And when my ex was pulling his noncommunication stunts in front of the children, I didn't let him get away with it--I repeated my questions, asked if he was having trouble hearing me and kind of made jokes with the kids, like, well, I guess Dad's hard of hearing today, will you remind him that practice is cancelled or you need to find that library book, etc. I also said numerous times in front of the kids how important communication is. Refusing to acknowledge my questions/comments made him look bad in front of them, now he doesn't ignore me at exchanges. I've had so much trouble with him not communicating with me--it's quite frustrating. You also have my sympathy on the money situation, I know how hard it is to fight the legal fight with a bullying money-bags.
<> This comment got to me, I've felt it myself. Somehow they need to understand that the way he treated you was wrong so that the pattern will not repeat. You don't want your sons to treat their future wives this way and you don't want your daughters to think that the way he treated you is all they could hope for. Even after 3 years, I still talk to my therapist about recovering self esteem from the verbal abuse. I have had some talks to my older girls about this too. I don't want what happened to me to happen to them. There are lots of respectful men in this world. I urge you to seek counseling and educate yourself about re-building your self esteem. Maybe a therapist at a women's shelter will take you on with gov. funding or at least get books from the library and search the web. You will grow stronger and more confident, but it requires action on your part. I feel so much better about myself these days. I'm a doormat no longer, neither are you!
Hopefully when you go to your custody hearing, you'll get a joint possession situation and hopefully the judge will order some co-parenting therapy. I did that with my ex and it helped some...the ex quit recently when the therapist asked him to change some behaviors.
Try to remain optimistic.