He wont settle, have to go to trial
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:20am |
I was hoping to settle this, I cant believe my ex. In court on Monday he accused me of so many things that were untrue. Claimed I've been interfering with the visits, never gave him his makeup visits, I lied about the carpet allergy, that I say he's allergic to cigarette smoke and that my mom watches the baby and she's a chain smoker so therefore he doesnt want the baby to go there. That rotten ba$%^rd and his lawyer! How dare they. They were trying to get the order changed to allow visits at his house and none at my mother's.
But the judge caught him in a lie regarding the visits. In total he was to have 8. They were claiming I cancelled two and his lawyer said he cancelled one (the snow storm day) but I never gave a make ups for any, so the judge asked him, you cancelled one visit, he said no: lie #1 b/c his lawyer said he did. Then the judge asked how many visits in total did he have, he said 7 of the 8. She said wait a minute, you said you were missing three visits now youre saying you had 7 of the 8 what's going on here. They were left looking stupid, he couldnt answer.
She asked me about the carpet at the school, I had a note stating they pulled up the carpet and explained that the carpet was put down a month ago and told her my mom doesnt watch the baby and she isnt a smoker, she cant smoke she has asthma.
Now since he wont settle, we have to have a forensic's evaluation and a trial. I have to pay $200 as a portion to the cost of this damn thing, he pays nothing because he is some so called student. So we were checking off things both sides wanted addressed for the evaluation. The straw that broke the camel's back was they are trying to say that with all "my lies and how I misinformed the court" they are concerned about my mental stability and there's a history of mental illness in my family. The judge said where is this coming from. There has been nothing in the report to express this as a concern, Im not agreeing to that. I hope he burns in hell for doing this. How could he. F him and his lawyer. He wants a fight then a fight is what he will get. How could he tell lies like this. What is wrong with him?
Have any of you had a forensic evaluation, should I be alarmed? Are they competent? Have you been to trial? What was it like? Did things go in your favor.
On a good note he didnt get the order changed as he still hasnt pulled up the carpet at his place and they didnt ban the baby from my mom's house. I also got a new lawyer, it's an older man and so far his attitude is completely different than that of the previous lawyer.
Ladies, Im scared, nervous and so upset. Even the baby's lawyer was shaking her head, when we left the court room she said it's a shame, b/c it didnt have to come to this.

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Well, I think, from what you've said, that your EX ended up looking like the irrational one.
I don't think that you've got anything to be concerned about, really.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
What did you offer that he is not wanting to settle on? What more is he wanting?
I would not worry about the mental stuff, judges hear this crap all the time, it is a very common ploy in custody cases.
A forensic evaluation is where they are going to interview both of you and come to your houses and evaluate the situation and write a report. Do not badmouth dad during the interview, only talk about the best interest of the baby and act like you are encouraging a relationship between the two. The courts focus is going to be on encouraging a strong bond with each parent. The parent that appears to be hindering or interefering with that is not going to look good in the eyes of the court. Let him conitnue to make a fool of himself and, if you remain calm and don't get over emotional, you will come out looking like the more stable of the two.
Custody trials can be long and costly, even if the state is paying for your attorney you will still have costs involved.
You have an exchange on Saturday right? You need to be completely neutral and do not react to ANYTHING he says or does. He is trying to make you appear as mental and unstable and will probably try to provoke something. Do not react, hand him the kid and walk away.
That's a good point to remember.... I'm sure that, right now, he is trying to provoke things that he can stash in his arsenal, so paying special attention to "not go there" would be very important right now.
Great tip!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hey step,
I thought he was satisified with the schedule he had as that is what he wanted and thought we'd be settling on that, I didnt get to even offer anything extra. With the change of attorney I have to bring him up to speed. I thought the conference would have been between us and the attorneys to dicuss what we wanted if anything more than was is going on now. As far as you know will/can this occur. Will we be able to attempt to reach a settlement and forgo a trial?
What my main concern is that with all his lies would he be sick or crazy enough to bruise himself and then say I did it to have "something on me". He did ofcourse say I assaulted him but the judge didnt even address that. The last 2-3 visits have actually been fine, Ive been alone so Im worried since they are going this route as I would have no witnesses with me if he tried to pull something slimy like that. I couldnt believe he lied and said I didnt give him any of his makeup visits and my sister never served him and my mom is a chain smoker. When checking off "issues" to be addressed for the forensic eval they checked domestic violence as did I. I still have the copies of the restraining order and police report I got when we first broke up in '04 and we had pushed me. Then I also have copies of the report where a month later when he violated the restraining order in the courthouse and had to spend the night in jail because of. I would imagine this wont look good on him as he had no reports ever filed against me for domestic violence. I didnt want to bring this stuff up but he's leaving me no choice.
I will remain totally neutral for the exchanges no matter how much he tries to provoke me. For the F.E. do you know if they will throw a bone and see if you will bite and negatively talk about the other parent, any little tricks or are they staightforward. Im worried about his lies and he always has his gf there so she could be a witness for him.
Well, for one, if you don't "come back" and rebuttal every little accusation that he makes, and just stick to reporting things that are factual... and documented... and always, always, try to seem like you're trying to be accommodating and co-parent so that your child is the true beneficiary.
For instance, instead of saying "he has carpet at his apartment" you could phrase it as a concern like "I would like for EX to consult with DS's pediatrician about his medical conditions within the next 30 days to be sure that he is aware of all of the medical directives that will help our son thrive."
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Unless he is willing to call the police, make a police report, and LIE to them, I wouldn't worry about it. If he tried to do that, he could EASILY get in HUGE amounts of trouble for filing a false complaint.
I found a couple of articles that may be helpful for you. Not everything is relevant, but one of the articles talks about what goes on in a forensic
That's great. It's all about the attitude towards things. I know I have first hand experience with that and the old lawyer. The new one introuduced himself, shook my hand and talked to me with kindness and concern even if he really doesnt give a crap. It's how he handled it. I want to show Im approachable, non combative and show a willingness to work together which I am. I just have to stay focused on that.
Thanks so much. However if the evaluator asks me are there any concerns with regard to his parenting I have to answer truthfully, I do have some concerns, the leaving the baby with the guard that time, and the withholding the info about the carpet. If I say these things I wonder if they would consider that as my bad-mouthing him or being negative. I dont want to come across as that kind of person ya know.
Thanks girl. I ve been all over that website and printed tons of stuff already. LOL.
It's stressful yes because it's so scary for the lengths he's already gone to. The mental illness thing was the real kicker. He knows he would need something solid on me to win this. Right now he has nothing. I just wish I knew why he's taking it this far. He's getting his visits which is all he said he wanted when this first began. Ive always informed him of anything medical going on and he has chosen not to be involved lately so what the heck does he want from me.
LOL, I'm sure you have! I'd be doing the same thing.
The whole mental illness deal.....you show me ONE family that does not have SOMEONE with a mental health problem - depression, alcoholism, etc. Even if there is a person in your family with mental illness, that doesn't automatically make you mentally ill!
A good friend of mine got a divorce several years ago. Toward the end of the marriage, she was so miserable, she turned to drugs, alcohol, and eventually had to go into a psych hospital for a few weeks. She was awarded joint custody with her ex...as long as she was getting help, they were fine with it. I'm just sharing this story not because I think you're mentally ill (obviously....LOL), but if SHE could get joint custody, I don't think you have much to worry about in terms of what you want. You may not get exactly what you're looking for, but close.
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