He wont settle, have to go to trial
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:20am |
I was hoping to settle this, I cant believe my ex. In court on Monday he accused me of so many things that were untrue. Claimed I've been interfering with the visits, never gave him his makeup visits, I lied about the carpet allergy, that I say he's allergic to cigarette smoke and that my mom watches the baby and she's a chain smoker so therefore he doesnt want the baby to go there. That rotten ba$%^rd and his lawyer! How dare they. They were trying to get the order changed to allow visits at his house and none at my mother's.
But the judge caught him in a lie regarding the visits. In total he was to have 8. They were claiming I cancelled two and his lawyer said he cancelled one (the snow storm day) but I never gave a make ups for any, so the judge asked him, you cancelled one visit, he said no: lie #1 b/c his lawyer said he did. Then the judge asked how many visits in total did he have, he said 7 of the 8. She said wait a minute, you said you were missing three visits now youre saying you had 7 of the 8 what's going on here. They were left looking stupid, he couldnt answer.
She asked me about the carpet at the school, I had a note stating they pulled up the carpet and explained that the carpet was put down a month ago and told her my mom doesnt watch the baby and she isnt a smoker, she cant smoke she has asthma.
Now since he wont settle, we have to have a forensic's evaluation and a trial. I have to pay $200 as a portion to the cost of this damn thing, he pays nothing because he is some so called student. So we were checking off things both sides wanted addressed for the evaluation. The straw that broke the camel's back was they are trying to say that with all "my lies and how I misinformed the court" they are concerned about my mental stability and there's a history of mental illness in my family. The judge said where is this coming from. There has been nothing in the report to express this as a concern, Im not agreeing to that. I hope he burns in hell for doing this. How could he. F him and his lawyer. He wants a fight then a fight is what he will get. How could he tell lies like this. What is wrong with him?
Have any of you had a forensic evaluation, should I be alarmed? Are they competent? Have you been to trial? What was it like? Did things go in your favor.
On a good note he didnt get the order changed as he still hasnt pulled up the carpet at his place and they didnt ban the baby from my mom's house. I also got a new lawyer, it's an older man and so far his attitude is completely different than that of the previous lawyer.
Ladies, Im scared, nervous and so upset. Even the baby's lawyer was shaking her head, when we left the court room she said it's a shame, b/c it didnt have to come to this.

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You asked how a judge can tell who is telling the truth and who isn't, they hear a hundred of these cases week. They get very good at discerning what sounds like thr truth and what is being exaggerated and what is a bald faced lie. Plus the Forensic Evaluator will ask a lot of questions and get information the judge just does not have time to get and then present it to the court.
If you are asked about his parenting please do not bring up the guard and the carpet. The guard incident is so minor and you were right there. It will paint you as a control freak and it will give him the opportunity to say that he used a security officer for the exchange because you are combative etc. Has DHS issued a finding on their investigation of that? I bet it comes back as unsubtantiated and they do nothing.
Just say that you fear that his anger towards you clouds his judgement sometimes and that you wish you could get to a point that you can co-parent together. That will put the evaluator on the idea that he is angry and irrational and then when he displays that, which he will, she will think "This is what Luv was talking about".
Remain as neutral as possible with the evaluator and let her come to her own conclusions. The truth has a funny way of making itself known.
I wont mention the two incidents. I'll do as you said. Ive come to trust your judgement and appreciate all you offer. It's great to have this outlet, it gives so much wonderful information and advice.
I only want to do the right thing for the baby. He loves his dad I know. I have to tell you I faced a huge "challenge" over the weekend. The baby was saying he wanted to see ex's gf. Asked for her by name, I calmly said okay your gonna see her when you see daddy. In the beginning that would have killed me. Even though I wasnt thrilled LOL, I handled it in the right way and Im way proud of myself.
On the site divorcenet.com they say joint custody means not how much time the child spends with each parent but it means joint legal custody giving both parents equal rights in making legal decisions for the child providing both parents can do so together. Do you know of this to be true. We're in New York.
That is correct. Joint legal means that you both have legal rights to the child. If there are legal decisons to be made and you all can't agree then you will have to go to mediation or court. Do you have joint legal now or is that what he is asking for?
You handled that very well with your son. It has to be hard to hear your child ask for your ex's new partner. I know that my husband had a very hard time when his ex remarried so quickly and the boys were spending large amounts of time with her new husband. I always wondered if it was hard for her when I entered the scene, I am sure it was. The good thing is that she must be nice to him if he is asking for her and that is a good thing.
The guard and carpet at the child care center are documented events that aren't "your heresay".
Keep this in mind,
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Ah Ha. I hadnt thought of it that way. That too is a good suggestion. I do know the social worker documented the incident, and spoke to the guard and him and he admitted it to her so he couldnt say I was making it up. You guys have given me some great examples of how to deal with this. It's way less scarier now.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
We dont have joint anything yet maybe not ever. As of now I guess it's all on me. He's asking for joint custody. I was assuming that referred to the legal and residential aspects meaning he'd live with me for two weeks and ex the other two or for six months then vice versa. Or does j.c. automatically ONLY refer to the legal side. What I concerned with is, is he wanting joint residential as well. I will discuss this with the lawyer ofcourse. Can that be issued with a child so young. I would imagine that would be very confusing. That I dont want for sure. So we need to conference to lay out exactly what he wants. But the article i read today stated j.c. refers to the legal decisions and not the actual time each parent spends with the child so with that Im a bit confused as to what exactly he's looking for. With his refusal to communicate he cant possibly want the legal part.
Shouldnt all this be laid out before a trial is begun?
Well, sometimes.... what we "know" ourselves gets lost in the muck of all of the other emotions, so it's often helpful to have some other's to toss ideas around with, just to help remember and validate.
You're doing GREAT!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I seriously doubt you will go to trial on this, you guys will probably settle it through the attorneys. Joint Legal, at least here, refers to the legal aspects of the child.
When my DH and his ex first divorced they had joint legal and she was the residential parent and he had EOW and 2 dinner visits a week. They changed the parenting plan to 50/50, or shared custody a couple of years later. The boys were 4 and 5 when we did that and they were not confused at all, they love it and have done really well. BUT, and this is a big one, we all work very hard to get along and communicate fairly well together.
The best way to mediate something or negotiate is to go into it looking at what you are willing to do, not what you aren't willing to do. If he meets all of the health issues, ie carpeting, medications etc. are you willing to let him have overnights? What about extended time during summer and holidays? He is probably feeling controlled by you and wants to break free from those restraints. He is doing it in a crappy way by trying to lie etc. but I would imagine that he wants time with his son that is seperate from you and your concerns. That is pretty normal, if things were reversed and you had to answer to him for everything in order to see your child you would feel resentful, just human nature.
I hear what you are saying but Im even surprised at myself that since things have been so crappy that i havent called him while he had his visits asking if the baby was okay or why he hasnt called to let me talk to the baby once in a while. Once the baby is with him on his time I have left it completely alone and not even called him or tried to "butt in" on his time because I knew that was what he was expecting. At times I have had the urges but didnt dare do it, I have used that time for some "me time" I usually always try to do something to make the time pass so I dont just sit there watching the clock. I have gone to the movies, window shopping at the mall and stuff like that. I do my grocery shopping etc.
I used to be very attached and would have called probable but I let all of that go. It was damn hard but I did it so he wouldnt feel like he has to answer to me. Im willing to give the overnight visits gradually in the beginning as long as he removes the carpet has a bed for him to sleep in and some type of partion for privacy since its a kitchenette and allows me the phone access for the overnights. He has had nothing but time separate from me. For the concerns he has to grow up with that. I will always be concerned for my child as you know, and its harder with him because of his condition so its more sensitive for me. I mean its not like i want him to check in every hour or couple of hours. All I want is IF something happens or he gives him medicine to be informed. Simple as that.
That's what boggles my mind that he feels Im trying to control him. This has nothing to do with him, all I care about is the baby being safe and happy ya know. Ive made so he is free of me and he's still acting like this. It makes no sense.
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