That healing process - bumps in the road

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
That healing process - bumps in the road
6
Sun, 09-23-2007 - 10:24pm

Oie!

Ladies, I have been so strong; done all the right things, etc. Been WAY decent to this guy who has destroyed my dreams for my children and our family's future, who's actions daily wound my dds young hearts.

But, strong and dilligent though I am -- taking all the right steps to care for me and my kids though I am -- I am really at a low spot right now.

Just getting hurt from all sides (family declining invitations to join me and the girls for the holidays; friends blowing off playdates with my dd; local employer not telling me they had a job opening they knew I might want; and stbx just saying, after "visiting for dinner with the girls" tonight "I gotta go" to my 5 yo who is sobbing).

How does he do that?!!

And the job hunting -- adding HUGE stress to an already stressful situation so I end up barking at the girls when I can't get my resume to attach to an email (new computer) and have to drag them to Kinkos to FAX the darned thing.

I am just so angry at him for only thinking of his own GD SELF! The trail of hurt and pain he is leaving behind ... especially for my kids. They are over the honeymoon of the separation and just plain miss him (and me when they are with him); my older dd says "weekends are boring and sad and empty because we never have mommy and daddy."

OH GOD!!

Sorry, need to vent. Can anyone share their journey -- say "me too" and offer hope.

I am so tired of being SO strong.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sun, 09-23-2007 - 10:55pm

I'm hitting some bumps in my road too lately... my bumps aren't in the divorce neighborhood, but in the job neighborhood, so I understand where you are...


My xh rarely sees my son... he was here instate in July, time before that was January, time before that was May of last year... my xils typically handle the exchanges for me... they pick Joey up from school or from daycare and keep him for the weekend xh is in town... but after one of his visits, they decided it was easier on "everyone" if they brought Joey home before xh left--the night before he left or whatever, because then Joey doesn't see him leaving and get all upset that he's going and such... apparently a couple of visits ago, he made such a stink that it really HURT xh and xh even cried,

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 10:52am
I have to admit I have forgiveness issues; just when I get close, stbx pulls a new trick out of the box. Our oldest is getting married in 2wks, and I am watching a man who didn't have time to help raise the kids act like father of the year. I'm also going back to work at a "real" job after 10 yrs away from my field; trust me, no-one wants to hire a nurse who's been gone that long. I just fell into a private duty case through a contact at church, after months of fruitless begging at the hospitals and nursing homes in the area. I'm paranoid about finalizing the d, because until it's over I'm still on the health insurance. My job doesn't have those kind of benefits but i'm hoping now I have something current on my resume that I can go back and get hired by a place that does. One of the stbx's habits is to stop every night at the post office a block away and pick up his mail and then he just drives by the house to get to his place; doesn't stop in to say hello to the kids, only comes by when he gets a message that he needs to pick something up or drop something off. I can't twist myself in knots over his weirdness, that's why he's an x after all. And the kids aren't stupid, they know who has their back. I don't know how old yours are, mine are 17,18,20,22,and23. I've been the primary parent from the get-go since the office was first in his heart and his parents were second. I know that cliche "hope springs eternal" is true, otherwise we wouldn't care so much. Take a breath, do it one step at a time(it's so easy to get overwhelmed by the big picture), find an escape for your brain--I read trashy romances and murder mysteries and splurge on luxury soap and body lotion--and repeat once or twice a day,"this too, shall pass..."
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 11:57am

Hey Julie and Everyone else who posted -- thanks for the virtual hugs. It is was I needed.

God the pain these poor little ones have to experience. Julie I am so sorry for your little guy.

I can only hope and pray that despite this my dds will somehow grow strong, healthy and happy. I hope my stbx's good qualities and my strength can help the girls become whole adults despite the losses divorce creates.

As for the job stuff ... ieeee. Was at the school volunteering today ... checking into what the deal is on the job ... may have a lead on another job at another school. Did get my resume faxed for yet another job so ... hopefully something will come together.

Just need to get over the knocks of life and dust myself off and give the girls tons of loving and hope that is enough!

Thanks again and hugs to everyone else who tries to be so strong for their changing families!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Mon, 09-24-2007 - 10:49pm

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have never posted on a message board before - have been a lurker for years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 9:41am

Awe, honey, hugs!!!!!

Yeah, sometimes it is ok just to say "me too!" So I am glad to hear from you!

I am sorry your stbx is as he is. I hope, somehow, you will be able to keep the house. That is a decision I, too, must face. Bless you and your little ones. My dds are in the same place, I must say. Their dad moves again this coming weekend -- a little bit closer and he says he is going to get a car.

I wish I could offer us all comfort. Technically, I can. I know, intellectually, there are many women who have come through this nightmare to make themselves whole, healthy and happy. It can happen. Often does. And their kids often, by some miracle, do really well, too.

We can hope for that, pray for that, work for that.

But, being in the moment when the moment is full of hurt, pain, stress, huge responsibility, anger (you name it) is really tough.

So, I guess that is why coming here and sharing is good and having a counselor is good and seeking out friends who can support is good and finding ways to give back is good. I have to say -- having kids over to play with mine, having friends over for dinner, cooking a meal for a friend who has surgery, packing up clothes to hand down to a friend's little girl, volunteering at church and at school -- these acts help give life back to me.

Today I turned down a 3 hour teaching job because I have to do my research for my class tonight -- those are the challenging times -- I need the short-term job, but I need to be in school to get the permanent job.

So, just soldiering on as you are -- lets stay in touch and comiserate and offer support and encouragement too!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Tue, 10-02-2007 - 10:08pm
Thanks for your support and kind words!