Heart breaking for Lauren
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| Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:17am |
What do you say to an 8 year old little girl who thinks she's worthless, can't do anything right, broke her mom's heart, etc? I can't wait for Friday to get here. Lauren's separation anxiety is getting worse. Now's she's regressed to hitting herself on the head with her fist. She's been crying for me in the afternoons before I get home from work, apologizing for every little minute thing that she THINKS she has done wrong (even when she hasn't). She's clingy, whiny, and driving me completely nuts.
Ever since her dad and sm took her to see the gal over Christmas break and had Lauren tell the gal that she wanted to go live with them, it's gotten worse. She won't go to bed on her own anymore. She refuses to leave my side (unless she's busy with something and doesn't realize I've left the room). Once again she would not go to bed alone tonight. She sat on my lap for a little while and then she fell asleep on the couch. When I go to bed, I will pick her up and carry her in to my bed. Before Christmas break she was not like this.
Anything I can do? Please help me!!!

Hi...
I don't know all the details, and I am not sure I understand your whole picture. It looks like your little girl is very afraid that you may disappear just as her dad has - or perhaps that her dad will take her to live with him?
If a divorce settlement is already out, tell her. Be very very clear and honest with her, show her the papers stating she is to stay with her mom, and explain her that in all cases she will NEVER have to choose between her dad and her mom (that is a very hard spot to be in for a kid). That her dad and mom will remain such no matter what, and love her no matter what. That she still has a family, even if not all living together, and that no-one is going away. That she is the PERFECT kid for YOU, and that the rest does not matter at all.
It may help to explain practically how the divorce works out, what is the role of the judge, how does it works. She is 8, and probably has heard already lots in school... not knowing is very scary, and it may be the reason why she is so afraid and worried.
You will have to repeat this over and over, and again, before it really sinks in!!! but it will. She isn't a baby, and as much as we moms always would want to believe our little ones to be ours only, you cannot make her secure without helping her to leap on her own... :)
Actually, we have been divorced for 3 years (It will be 4 years in August). Currently, we have joint custody, but her dad lives 7 hours away so it's no longer realistic. I'm taking him back to court to try to get full custody. He's counter-suing for full custody. During the past three years, I have had to make some very hard decisions--whether to pay rent and utilities, buy groceries, or buy my daughter's asthma medicine. Whether it was the right decision or not, I chose to pay my rent and buy groceries. There was never a time that she got sick that I didn't take her to the doctor.
My ex was 5 months behind on child support so I was only bringing in the wages (about $15,000 gross annually) from my job. On top of that, I was required to drive a 4 hour round trip to take her to see her dad for visitation (that has since increased to a 6 hour round trip). This past Friday, I had to go for a deposition (more like the Spanish Inquisition). During that time, they grilled me about any/everything that has happened during the last 3 years dong their best to make me look like a terrible parent.
My ex makes around $80,000. They are working hard to paint a grass is greener scenario. I have been there for her in every way possible since she was born--most times he was not. I'm hoping that will carry a lot of weight in the case. It's a case of no money compared to plenty of money. I know that if he wins, it will be because of his money.
In the meantime, I'm trying to swallow my pride and take the highroad. Unfortunately, through the whole thing, Lauren has been in the middle--through their pettiness and pumping her for info. I've made a New Year's Resolution that I will do my best to take the high road and not take the bait for their pettiness anymore, keeping Lauren out of the middle. It will be a difficult thing to do. Our marriage was full of mental/emotional abuse. He still loves his power trip. I'm taking baby steps, but I'm getting there. Wish me luck.
Becka
Oh, I am just sending hugs. This is the kind of thing I so fear for my very sensitive dds. I will pray for Lauren. Oh gosh, I don't know how to help. It just seems so injust that we divorced moms have to see our children through such agony that was not of their own making and many Dads (not all, by any means) seem to take the attitude of "tough."
My heart and prayers are with you and Lauren. I hope you get some sort of help from a child psychologist or the courts.
M
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS
If she is up to it today, maybe there is a craft you can do together, or just curl up with a bunch of books and read to her or curl up and watch your favorite movie together.
Of course that is what *I* want to do to comfort me and my girls when they are hurting; not necessarily their idea of consolation ... :-).
I hope you can help her and protect her. My heart breaks for you and with fear for me, because I think my dds are going to suffer this separation desperately when it comes.
Let us know how you and your dd are doing!
M
Its is so sick, what selfish parents can do to a child.
I am saying a prayer that things get MUCH better for both of you!
Thank you so much. Both of us are looking foward to the visit back to the therapist today. I'm hoping that as well as helping Lauren, she can give me some insight on how to handle the separation anxiety without discussing the case with her or making her feel like a baby. I will let you know how it goes.
Becka