Find a Conversation
|Thu, 10-17-2013 - 4:13pm|
My 25-year old marriage had been falling apart for years. I just didn't have the wherewithall to realize that it was time to divorce. Every year, I did what I could to keep the marriage going, for my sake, for finances, and for the sake of our children. Every year I kept hoping that our relationship would get better, but it never did.
Then I met him. A man who turned me on like no other man had since before I was married. I knew he had a girlfriend in another state but I didn't care. She was so far away and they were carrying on a long-distance relationship. He was probably lonely ... and horny. He paid attention to me, devouring me with his eyes, flattering me, and generally making me feel like I could do no wrong. I foolishly let myself fall in love with him, but I never let on about my feelings, knowing that I was married and knowing that I could never commit adultery and be able to look at myself in the mirror. Sex was out of the question, but I ached for him.
We spent time together because we worked together. The relationship was purely professional with hints of flirting but nothing out of line. We became friends. Then, the place where we worked closed. We both lost our jobs. He planned to move out of town, back near his girlfriend. At one point we went out together, a simple dinner, he picked me up and paid. My husband was out of town. During the course of our unbelievably great conversation, I got lost in his hazel-green eyes. The time flew by. Before I knew it, it was time to go. He did not make a pass or hint at any romantic interest, but he did remark that he didn't connect that way with just anyone and suggested we should go out one more time before he left. He never made any more overtures and I'm the kind of woman who will not pursue a man. If he wants me, he has to let me know. This one didn't. He left town without saying goodbye. We are Facebook friends, but that is the extent of our contact.
Long story short, I knew it was time to divorce my husband. Forget about the other man, just the fact that I could fall so hard for someone so unavailable -- it was a wakeup call. We're separated now and in the process of divorcing. I should have gotten out long ago, while I was still young and had my life ahead of me, but I guess getting out in middle age is better than nothing. There is no hope for our marriage, no hope of reconciliation, and I'm fine with that. Truthfully, I don't have any feelings for my husband one way or the other. For so many years he was more like a roommate and a safety net. He left me alone most of the time which was horrible. When he didn't leave me alone we fought. I think it is better to be alone and really be alone than to be alone and be married.
But then there's my "friend." He lives in another state near his girlfriend. From what I can glean online, they seem extremely happy together. Their relationship has progressed to the point where she feels comfortable having him around her children. It looks pretty serious.
I cannot get this man out of mind. I have tried everything, even telling myself that he was only nice to me because he wanted to sleep with me, and that if I had wanted to seduce him I could have had him, but at what price? Because we worked together, I feel like I know him, and I keep reminding myself of all his bad qualities, but it doesn't help me and I continue to obsess over him. I know it's wrong of me to obsess over him but I can't help myself. I know in my head that I will never see him again but my heart won't let go of the longing and in weak moments, I fantasize that he will break up with his girlfriend and come back to me. This is so stupid, I can't even begin to express the depth of stupidity involved, but I can't stop myself.
Please help me. I need to find a way to get over him. Whenever I see him in pictures, I ache for him all over again, and I HATE his girlfriend, even though I don't know the woman. She is probably a very nice person. There are days when I am happy for him but sad for me, days when I am in complete lala land over him, and days when I think I am done obsessing about him, only to find that I haven't. Does anyone have any advice for me?
Please don't suggest that I contact him to tell him how I feel because I can't. He's happy with his girlfriend and it wouldn't make a difference. I would end up feeling foolish. And while I'm in the throes of divorce, I need to keep my dignity. There has to be a better way to handle this. I just don't know what it is.