Heartbreak

Avatar for sportsnutmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Heartbreak
6
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 4:01pm
I feel terrible right now, I feel like a terrible mother, I feel guilty, I feel like I've betrayed my boy's. My STBX and I have only been separated for almost 2 months. He still treats me like we're married, which I have discouraged a lot, but he still does. I've limited my contact with him because of this. Anyway, my son (he's 16) showed me a card he'd made for his dad for father's day. It was cute, had the UW Huskie on it, he'd written Happy Father's Day "Dog" (the UW mascot is a Husky, but they call them the Dawgs). I asked him if I could read it and he said no. Well I guess he gave it to his dad last night. In the card he said he was really mad about us breaking up and that he missed his dad. I think my son is blaming me for the separation....he sees my STBX crying, saying he loves me and wanting to get back together. He sees me being distant and cold. The thought that I was doing them horrible emotional damage has crossed my mind, I know it's not rational but I can't help but feel that way. I don't know how to approach my son with this. Maybe I'm not talking to them enough about the separation. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm new to this board, and you might think I'm silly for posting this much, be patient with me, I won't be this annoying forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 5:12pm

first of all, that's what this board is for so no more about posting too much!!

Second, have you seen a counselor, minister etc in order to get help on how to present and discuss these issues with your kids? My husband is the one to asked for the divorce but now that I am away from him, I am FINE with it. However, I do still have two little girls that will need a lot more time dealing with their new lives so I see a therapist that helps me with the parenting side of this. Maybe that would help you. You kids may need to see someone as well. It's hard to explain all of the issues in a marriage so that kids understand why divorces happen AND somehow manage not to turn one of the parents into a bad guy. I hope you find someone that can help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 7:09pm

It sounds like your son is just really confused about his own emotions too. He hasn't processed yet what is going on. That's just my guess. It might be a good idea for all 3 of you (son, STBX, and you) to sit down in a counselor's office and have a discussion about it. The COunselor can help mediate and help control your sbtx's gushing, and maybe bring out from you something your son might need to see? It's okay for kids to see their parents vunerable. It teaches them it's okay to be vunerable themselves. Just in the right way, at the right time....

Just my thoughts. Hugs to you and yours!
- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Thu, 06-15-2006 - 11:54pm

You are NOT annoying!


Ya know.... older kids you sort of have to play by ear.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Fri, 06-16-2006 - 8:52am

Sports mom you have nothing to feel guilty about you are NOT a terrible mother. Your husband is the one that betrayed your marriage and his family. I'm sorry do not take on the guilt of his cheating onto your shoulders. Your child doesn't understand the intricacies regarding this marriage and its demise, he doesn't understand what happened behind closed doors. YOU DID NOT DO THIS TO YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!

Is your child in counseling to deal with the grief, anger and feelings he is having in regards to the divorce??? If not I highly recommend it. He needs an impartial person to talk to about it.

Also you can show vulnerability to your children, it makes you human in their eyes, but I think you are cold because of what has driven you to this point. And I totally can understand that, I was weeping and sobbing at the beginning when everything went on with my husband and his OW. Once he moved in with his mistress, it was like a lightswitch inside me, I was all business with regards to my divorce after that, I would cry still in private, or sometimes in counseling but when I was around the ex or at the lawyers office with him negotiating things, I was all business. I refused to shed one more tear in front of him, the moving in with her while we weren't even legally seperated was more disrespectful to me than anything else and I shut it off, surprisingly enough that was when ex started crying and saying he missed me, although he didn't want to stop divorce proceedings I guess he thought crying and being vulnerable would break me down again but it didn't.

Talk to your child about his feelings as often as you can. Explain to him that you are sad even though he isn't seeing you cry. Maybe he associates crying with sadness and because you aren't crying you aren't sad. When we all know that isn't always the case. I wouldn't obviously advise disclosing the affair part of things.

GOod luck. Its tough but do not feeling guilty about protecting yourself and your family for the actions of your spouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 8:03am

hey!! you are NOT a terrible mother, you have betrayed NOBODY. ok?

your son is 16 - and he is going to have issues about his parents, no matter what the situation is. as a matter of fact - i think its a GOOD thing that he wrote these things, he misses his father, and he is upset that you are getting divorced. its better that he lets it out and talks about it, than keeps it locked up inside.

if you feel that there are things that your boys should know - then i strongly suggest that you consider family therapy so that things can be aired out in a neutral and safe place.

please - don't feel bad or silly about asking for help. you need help - you need to ask for it without feeling guilty. we all go thru periods where we need help and that's exactly what this board is here for.

hang in there...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: sportsnutmom
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 2:30pm

Please, post 50 times a day if you want! That's what we're here for.


I think the other posters had good insight. Out of curiosity, are you in counseling right now? I am, because I also struggle with tremendous feelings of guilt. I went through a similar situation - ex crying and carrying on about wanting to get back together, professing his undying love for me to our 11 yo son...etc.


I'm sure you didn't wake up one day and say, "Hey, I feel like getting divorced!" I'll bet it was a decision you struggled with for a long time. If you know if your heart that you tried everything and you made the right choice, your son will come to terms with the divorce. It will just take some time. Just keep being available for him to talk to and share his feelings.




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