Heartbroken
Find a Conversation
Heartbroken
| Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:48pm |
I have done all I could for my marriage. I stuck by a man who didn't love me as a wife for 18 years. I had one beautiful daughter from this marriage. After marriage counseling tonight, and having it drilled in my head, once again, that my husband had no desire for me as a woman, we came home and, once again, ran away. I was left to tell my daughter that her dad was moving out. My almost 16 year old daughter told me that everything would be ok and that she was just worried about me. I asked why she would be worried about me, and she told me that after her dad moved out she plans to move in with him. She said she has always been daddy's girl and she feels this is what she wants. I spent the next hour on my front porch crying and for the first time admitting to myself that I hate my husband. Not only is he leaving me, but has attached himself so well to my daughter that she wants to leave to be with him. I have tried to shelter her from the realities of what has happened. She has no idea her father had an affair 8 years ago, or that he totally abandoned us on a 2 year alcoholic binge at that time. What she knows is that daddy had gone away for a while. I told her all of this to make it easier on her so that she wouldn't be so messed up. Now she believes my soon to be ex is a saint who dotes on her and has decided she would rather live with him that mom, who raised her and sheltered her and worked 24/7 so that we would have food on the table and not lose our house while her doting father spent every penny we had on alcohol and his mistress. Sorry, just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Oh, I am SO SO sorry. HUGS are not enough. Oh my dear. I will say a special prayer for you. Reach out to friends and family who know you and know of your sacrifices and can tell you how wonderful wonderful wonderful you are.
Someday, your dd will know, too. Maybe sooner than you think.
M
Piano guy I sooo disagree with your idea of what has happened here. She already admitted how she sacrificed to a man who never loved or respected her then covered up his bad stuff so the the daughter might still respect him.
It looks more to me like a case where he was an emotional abuser who ......was able to put into the daughters subconcious mind that the mother was faulty.
No daughters dont always all the time bond with MOM. Not if dad de valued the mother. they grew up being taught the the mother was less of a person than the husband. They do it subtley in time........over time.
Someday as the daughter matures she will see the light .....and this will all come back to bite him the but* you just watch. The daughter as she grows and becomes a woman and learns about an abusive mans behaviour will see how her dad used her mom and abused her so that the daughter would love him more. It doesnt work. when the kids grow they see the light and immediately disrespect the dad that drank too much, treated their mom like crap and womanized.
This is temporary. The daughter just has alot to learn about these types of men and someday she will realise what her daddy did to mommy and she will have the utmost love and compassion for mom and they will become best friends I bet this is what happens.
you betcha!~
I am so sorry for you. This would be something I don't know if I could get over, so I know you must feel awful.
Although it's probably a cold comfort, you've been a great mother to your child since she's secure and happy. She looks at her world positively. Discipline is a drag at her age, and while she needs it, she can't see that right now.
Maybe your ex will step up after you are divorced. It could be that he's allowed you to be the disciplinarian because he didn't want to, and you were willing. Once he's forced to be the parent, maybe he will.
Do you have a strong, loving relationship with your daughter based on respect of each other? If you do, chances are that she will come back seeking the security of your home if her father turns out to be too fly-by-night. If you don't, that may be part of the reason she wants to live with her father. Discipline without feeling loved and respected is very hard to take on the receiving end.
Also, at 16, she's already internalized a lot more of what you've tried to teach her than you think. She may not show it now, but in a few years when she's an adult, that's when you start seeing how you did as a mother.
Please don't start telling her all the bad things about her father that you shielded her from previously. This would only drive her further away, and may make her think that her father "needs her."
Let her know that your home is always open to her, no matter when or for whatever reason, and that you'll always be there when she needs you.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
I hear all you've been thru - however, this is actually an opportunity for you to take back your life - and be strong - in my belief there is no such thing as "love" - it's simply a four letter word like many others - it's a feeling that comes & goes - the real love actually lies in truth - truth about who we are, why we are special & why we should love ourselves - if we don't hold that truth (or love) for ourselves, then no one is going to hold it for us -
the fact that your husband hasn't been/wasn't a saint & your daughter not knowing it has nothing to do w/her going to live w/him - you can't base your worth or who you are in life off of mistakes or things you may or may not do - value & worth is placed on you by yourself & how you feel about yourself based on who you know yourself to be - if you are unhappy/miserable etc. b/c of "circumstances" then everyone, including your daughter will pick up on that & therefore not want to be around you or w/you...it's simply the law of attraction - the more light, truth etc. that we radiate, the more people will be drawn to us, want to be around us & want to do for us...
anyhoooo!! i wish you luck in reconnecting w/yourself & the truth of who you are - it's a great, amazing process & journey - and the only destination is happiness :)
Laurel
www.buildingwithbelief.com