Hello

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Hello
5
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:33am
Hello, My name is Brenda and I wanted to thank all of you for your advice. This is my first post on this board, but I have been lurking for 3 1/2 months. I was afraid to post for fear my ex-husband would read something and use it against me. Here is my story. On March 4 my husband served me with divorce papers. These papers allowed him to take my children, my home, and all of my possesions except my clothes. I was given 24hrs to get out. I have never been more shocked in my whole life. He never in the 15years we've been married even told me he was unhappy. I knew I was unhappy at times, but I wasn't to the point of divorce. He says he is doing this for me. That he thought it would make me happy. I signed the final papers last Tuesday. I cannot believe it is over so quickly. Like the last 20years have just been erased. The whole thing has been so cordial. Does anyone still love their ex? I do. I would take him back tomarrow. I love him more today than the day I married him. This is killing our children (2 boys, 12 and 9). They are a mess. I lived with my sister for the first 3 months, seeing my boys every other weekend. I am now back in the marital residence to stay and I have my boys ever other week. Worst thing is I haven't stopped sleeping with my ex. I can't seem to let go of the emotional attachment. I don't want to lose him. How do I detach myself? He has all the benefits of being married without the paper or the expenses. This really makes me angry, but I don't know how to punish him without punishing the children so I am still doing most everything I was before. How do you survive the financial ruin? My husband is a proffesional and makes 3 times what I do. I have worked part time for the last 12 years. We finally got everthing paid off in October 2004 and he files for divorce in March 05.
I feel so used. I can't seem to get angry. I am just so sad. I go to therapy once everyother week. Can anyone give me a rough estimate as to how long I am going to grieve?I don't want to be alone forever, but how do I trust again? How do I keep this from happening again? Sorry so long. I just wanted you to know I was here and how grateful I was for your advice. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 12:34pm

Hi Brenda.


Welcome to the boards :)


I first want to send a huge hug to you. I know this cannot be easy.


I am happy to hear you are in therapy. That is a great first step to taking care of YOU.


If you were like most of us you spent your marriage, however long, on taking care of your husband, kids, pets, house etc... Now that the marriage is through you have to take time for YOU.


You will not heal if you keep sleeping with him. Sex has an emotional bond with most women and creates more heartache in the end. You have got to stop that immediately. It confuses your heart into whats real and whats not. Your divorce is real, it's already done. The emotional bond that you still have to him is not real to him. See what I am saying?


Does anyone still love their ex...hmmmmm, I know in my situation I love him for giving me my children, I love him for sticking it out for 6 years, I love him for teaching me what he has, I love him for making me who I am today by leaving me... I could go on and on. Would I take him back? No because I also hate

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 2:52pm
How do I let him go? He has been part of my life for nearly 20years. I have such a hole inside me. I miss him more with every passing day. I have never been this sad in my whole life. I wish I could see into the future. Thanks for the response Angelena! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 3:27pm

Brenda, I have been seperated for 10 months now and have four kids...three from this marriage. I guess maybe that's where our similarities end because I have absolutely no feelings for my ex and haven't had any for several years now....so there's nothing to get over in that department...still tons of struggles, but no emotional attachment.

It is not going to be easy for you because you didn't see this coming...unlike some of us who knew it was over long before it was over. A double whammy because you still love him. No one can say how long it will take for you to heal because honestly, you have not even started the process yet. You can not possibly move on with your life while you hang on to the past like this.
You HAVE to stop sleeping with him !!! It is preventing you from healing emotionally and detaching physically from this man. As long as you keep allowing him into your bedroom you will forever remain attached and will never heal or move on. Yes, it will hurt, yes, you will be sad and lonely...but it is necessary for you to start to heal yourself.
Once you start to feel resentment and anger instead of just pain...the healing process has begun. What he did to you and to your family was terrible...it is Ok to get mad...it is OK to get your feelings out.
It will take time and it will hurt...but eventually every day will get a little less painful until one day you will realize that you are actually happy again.
Hang in there...you can do it.

Jan

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 9:31pm
Thanks Jan. I wish I could get angry. Anything would be better than this sadness. I am so scared to be without him. I have had him around for over half of my life. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2005
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 11:45pm

Trust me Brenda, I KNOW it is a hard road but you have to do it.
You can live without him...but you are not going to move on and heal and grow until you separate yourself physically from him. Sleeping with him, holding on to him...it is just making it harder to let go.
Let him see how strong you are...I know you can do it.

Jan