hello all, new and venting
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| Tue, 04-26-2005 - 5:31pm |
Although my divorce isn't final yet (I completed my part of the paperwork a few weeks ago and now I'm waiting for the judge to sign off), I'm feeling a little thrown for a loop by a lot of the stuff that's gone on, and I'm not really sure how to handle this stuff.
Dating - am I "allowed" to date? If I do date someone, it's sure to get back to my STBX (likewise if he does as well - although I think I would weirded out a bit, part of me would be upset and part of me would be glad that he's moving on). There's someone I'd like to casually date, I think, but I'm not sure if it would really be appropriate. I'm also a bit hesitant to engage in another relationship, and at 32, I'm not sure how many people are just into something casual.
Friends - *most* of my friends have been supportive, but there are those few individuals that I *thought* I was close with, but have been slowly realizing that they'd rather have me miserable than happy. As in, now that I'm not crying and distressed all the time, they are sort of nasty to me. Strange, I know. Has this happened to anyone else? Or do I just have bad taste in friends as well as husbands? I really don't feel comfortable in the same social circles I used to be in, because the STBX has decided to become a social butterfly (strange, because before he'd rather slit his wrists than go out somewhere with me) and I feel like I can't go anywhere for fear of running into him. I'm also feeling a bit judged and like I can't trust people very much. I'm sure a lot of this is paranoia on my part.
STBX really screwed me for money and I let him do it. I'm walking out of the marriage with no money and screwed up credit. I'm feeling really angry about this, at him, and at myself for not fighting more. I left him, so I think this was my way of punishing myself.
Work wise, I'm out of work at the moment, and feeling too overwhelmed by everything to even look (I have a few months of rent/expenses saved up), but I need to get moving and can't seem to find the motivation. Ugh.
Looking on the bright side, I guess I have a chance to try and make the kind of life I want , on my own - maybe I just need new friends and a new job to make it happen. But sometimes I'm just terrified and feel stagnant.
I guess I just needed to vent a little bit to people who understand what I'm going through -- thanks for listening, anyone who reads this.

Hi astralnyc!
I haven't posted much on this board but I do read often. Your situation seems in some ways similar to mine. We are the same age and from your post it doesn't appear that you have children. Me neither.
First of all, welcome. You will certainly find much support here. The people are wonderful. And it's always a good place to vent, if that's what you need. It helps! I am sorry for what you are going through, rest assured, we all have our own versions of the nightmare!
As for the dating thing, I started dating right away after my STBX and I separated a year ago. I met wonderful men but all I felt was guilt!! And this may be different for everybody, but I just didn't enjoy dating because I didn't feel completely "free" yet. And my ex didn't even live in the same STATE anymore! Being that you are so close to having the whole process be over with, I would just wait it out until you've had the time to really process everything and decide how you want things to be now that you get to start over.
I'm sorry about your friends who are now unsupportive. I say, if they are not willing to stand by you while you deal the way you need to, then you don't need 'em! The great thing about this whole mess is that you DO get to start over and change the things that aren't working for you anymore, including friendships.
I think finding a job soon is a good idea. Not only for the financial reasons, but for the sense of purpose. If you have somewhere you need to be every day and responsibilities that need to be taken care of, you are less likely to dwell on the negatives of your situation.
My ex (I kind of hate to use "STBX" because as far as I'm concerened, he's outta my life!!) screwed me on some financial things as well. Learn your lesson for next time and do the best you can to get on the right track. I wish you well. Keep us posted on how you're doing!
Lisa
Hi there and welcome!
First off, hugs.... Divorce stinks! but we all learn a lot about us and EVERYTHING happens for a reason, so the best is yet to come!
Dating: You are allowed to date. My X was dating before he left me...haha.... but I decided about 5 months after he left, after I realized he wasn't coming back, to begin dating. I dated 3 guys before meeting my current SO. I filed for divorce in May 04 and it was final 1/05, my being with someone else was never brought up in court and affected nothing with my divorce.
Friends: I lost most of my friends. My friends were "our" friends and after he left they were all visiting all the time and calling all the time, after I filed for divorce, they all disappeared. I have my own friends now and when I run into the "old friends" they all say WOW YOU LOOK GREAT! or WOW YOU LOOK SO HAPPY! and I say thanks and move on. I want them all to know I am happier and better off now than I was and they all notice but because they bailed on me I don't want to become buddy buddy with them again. If that makes sense.
We all are scared at newness, especially when it's something as big as divorce being a life change. I think once we "tackle" it we all realize that everything happens for a reason and even though I was scared, I did it. I AM HAPPY. Then it makes all the other stuff seem easy too.... example, fixing the sink, tightening the bolt on the garage door or installing the garage door opener.... there is something liberating about doing something you are scared or nervous to do and then accomplishing it. VERY liberating.
Everything happens for a reason. You will be ok. We are all here to be your cheerleader, if you need anything, please let us know.
Hugs to you!
Angelena
Dating - opinions will vary on this one, but the only opinion that really matters is your own. You need to feel "free" to date so you don't feel any guilt, and over your past enough that you're not carrying too much baggage into dating. For some people that's soon after separation, for others it's long after the divorce is final. Whatever feels right for you. For some people, the ex's reaction is also a factor - if you dating before the divorce is final could cause any problems (eg. if he can/would do anything to slow down the process by refusing to sign things), you might want to wait to save yourself a headache.
I've found that my friendships have changed since the separation. Some 'friends' were gone right away, others I've drifted from because we just don't have much in common anymore, and a few I'm still in contact with. Mostly my friends now are friendships developed since the separation, since they're people I relate to where I am now in my life.
Financially things were tough for me at the time of separation. Ex was threatening to file for bankruptcy, which would have screwed my credit and I likely would have had to do the same (I could afford my share of our joint credit, but not all of it). Luckily he changed his mind, but the first months of being alone were tough financially. Then I moved in with roommates for a year and was able to get myself back on track and was then able to afford a modest place of my own. I think I appreciate things I've acquired post-separation more than I would have before because I (just me!) worked for them, chose what I wanted, and if I wanted/needed a big item I saved for it and looked forward to getting it for months.
Thanks everyone for the support and kind words - I was pretty down/crabby yesterday and just wanted to vent a little to people who understand what it's like.
Feeling much better and motivated today - I made a list of things I wanted to get done and got through a fair chunk of them. I've decided to go out on a date with someone this weekend also, which is nice. I'm really not looking for a big commitment at this stage, but I think it would be fun to go out with someone who seems nice/interesting and have him pay for my dinner ;)