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| Sat, 12-02-2006 - 7:24am |
I am at a loss...
I found out this week that my husband who I love and have 2 wonderful young children with ....of 13 years who I have been with for 17 years since we were just 19 and in college....is cheating in such a horrible way.......
He met someone on an online dating service and has strong feelings for her and has been sleeping with her for about 5 weeks. Staying at her house all night.
Anyway really long story short...He started staying out late after hockey then coming home really late then all night... I thought he was just with the hockey guys but as the all nights became more and more over the last few weeks....I kept asking in a kind of half serious way and finally confronted him when my 2 year old got a flip flop keychain that said flirt out of his car. He slowly reluctently let the story out. He said he had feelings for her and said lots of things I can't even start to think about.
A few months ago he started geting distant stopped wearing his ring, started wearing different clothes, started playing hockey (never played a team sport in his life), ice skating on lunch break, wearing his earing, cutting his hair different, buying his own things. I really just thought mid-life crisis or trying to be his own person. He suffers from depression and went straight from a controling dad to a controling girlfriend to me who I suppose could be a bit controling in some ways he thinks so. I just thought he was changing things to make him self happier. I should have jumped in to counseling and changing things right then.
At the time he started staying out we were doing some date nights and having more sex than ever before. I was trying hard to connect and I still want to and can't get my head out of that pattern...
When he told me I went dead and just cried and he held me and I was numb and just wanted to win him back. HE said he was not going anywhere and there was hope but he had a strong connection with her and didn't know if there was anything left to work on with us. Ouch! He keeps going back and forth.
Then..2 days later... I called her ugh...we talked for a long time and she said she did not want to be a part of it but she is still with him right this second. The she told me they met on a singles on line dating service and he was out looking and probably dated hundreds of women before her and would keep doing it. I was so shocked and upset that I went home and confronted him. He freaked and got soo upset that I took her away from him and controlled everything. He said he had been on the service to see who he was and if people liked him and if people thought he was cute and worth talking too and never meant to get attached to some one and this was the first person he had met. He freaked out! The kids got very upset as this spilled over to where they could see daddy was thinking of leaving and was upset.
He went to her house that night and came home in the morning with things for my son's birthday and came home early from work to go to a movie and out to eat with us and home and stayed here that night. Everything seems fine when he is here. He called after work today acting normal....now he is out all night again.....HELP! I had just come to the conclusion that I was going to stay in the house and make the house and myself better for me not him and have been cleaning like crazy and trying so hard to be strong and thought I could...now he is out all night and I am going crazy.
He in many ways is a wonderful person and I see the good in him still. I love him so much and can't picture my life with out him. He is just very sad and not thinking right. We have been together forever and he has always suffered from being a workaholic and negative depressed but I have always loved him deeply and wanted him to feel better. He has always wanted me to be neater and cleaner and have the kids calmer because the chaos gets to him. He in the last few years has been taking meds for ADD, OCD, Anxiety depression... He has at times been distant....but I guess I tried to see what I wanted. I feel like I could have fixed things if I had noticed more and not taken for granted that he would always be there and been feeling like I just needed him around more and to do his part instead of trying to be there all the time for him to help make him better...if I could just rewind time....I have been walking on egg shells for years trying to protect him but I did not make the changes I needed to make and really put the effort into making it work...I am so bad at blaming my self...
We can't afford to live apart and I am not going to leave my house and upset the kids even more....I am starting counceling with or with out him. I don't know what to do. I have been home with kids for 7 years, he has taken care of finances and stuff my whole adult life. My kids love him and are desperate for his attention. I love him and can't imagine not loving him or a life with out him and his family who are really my only family. He sees us co-existing and being roomates plus what ever and I thought I could do it but I am not sleeping and going crazy while my husband is out all night with someone else. Aaaaggghhh! Help! What is the answer??
I just love him and really want to work through this.... but it is 6:00 am and I am up all night again because he is not home....I have to go to his brothers kids party tomorrow and I don't know how to face them...with out letting on what is going on with us. I love him with all my heart and want him to be happy but want him happy with me and our kids and this is killing me! I never pictured my life with out him and the kids with out their dad and me not part of their family I just want to work things out but....Aaagghhh!
Help!

WOW.
There is a lot to deal with, and the holidays coming on...
Lets start nicely.
First of all, you are nowhere to blame for whatever is happening. Stop right now with the "I should have", "I am controlling" or whatever else. You guys have been together, and happily, for many years, and obviously something was working - and still is, because he is still there. As much of a lying and cheating situation, believe me, he is still decent - based on what you say.
Second, good for you for calling the GF, and talking to her. She is the blameless part - the one who got involved without being to blame (she never promised anything to you... unlike your husband). It is a fact that he was out on a dating site (that alone is not meaning that he was trying to cheat... many people go there for curiousity alone), and they got in touch.
Third, have you considered talking about the future with your husband? see what he wants, and how he plans to put it in place. He is probably very confused, in the middle of too many emotions to realize that he is at a cross-road: either one way, or the other. It isn't an ultimatum - and be careful not to phrase it like that... just talk out with him about what he wants - and a bit about what you want. It may help him to see that you are there for him, but that you can't be "disposable" - that he can make his choices, but then he has to live with them. Right now he has the best world: a family, you, and an exciting new female friend... lovely no? someone should tell him that life does not work this way...
At some point, it would not hurt to talk to a lawyer (do that discreetily, it is just for information) to know what to expect, and what can come your way.
Also, I would start to reframe my life... this would anyway only make you more interesting and happy also to him! Consider looking for a job of some kind (you don't know what is happening), or to finish studying (or start new school). Look into your finances and insurances. 7 years at home can be overcome, but you should start now, before it is an absolute necessity! it will also take your mind off your heart-ache.