HELP!! The beginning of the end-how??

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2006
HELP!! The beginning of the end-how??
2
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:38am
Some of you may have read my earlier posts. I am married to a minister and I want out. I do not love him. I know he suspects it--(how could he NOT? his behavior is horrible)but I think he thinks that his behavior has been this way so long that why would I want to leave now? I mean he has been like this for years now, so what has changed? I am wondering that myself. Why could I tolerate it before but not now? I think it is because, I used to love him, that is why I tolerated it. I did love him years ago--now I do not love him at all. None. I just don't know HOW to get this ball rolling. I wish he would at least ASK me, "do you still love me" or "do you want to continue to live like this" But I think he doesn't ask because he knows the answer. It is like there is an iceburg in the middle of our house, (and I think it is me!!)that nobody wants to admit they are seeing. I have been very cold to him in the last few months. No sex for 2.5 months--I have faked sickness, to tired,etc...so HOW do I get the ball rolling?? Just keep refusing sex? I haven't told him I loved him in 6 months now. His need to preach and be the bigman in church has just taken a huge toll on our marriage. I ask myself if he resigned would that make a difference--the answer is no. At this point NOTHING he could do would help. Nothing. I just want out, I just don't know how to get out. I know this will be a bombshell on our church, our kids, and our community. I just want out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 5:26pm

Bombshell or not... neither of you can really afford to be too concerned with that.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 3:56pm

Pwin,


The tone of your post suggests you need information. Have you talked with a lawyer about your legal concerns? If not, get out a piece of paper and make a list of questions about any topic that you are concerned about, custody, visitation, child support, spousal support, division of assets, division of bills, etc. etc.


You can also do some "homework" now by collecting documents you'll need and getting them copied, i.e. bank accounts, loans, insurance policies (life, health, auto, home, boat, whatever you have insured). You can also research your financial standing, i.e. outstanding bills, get together your tax returns from the last 3-5 years, and other documents such as the kids birth certificates, dental records, medical records, and any other information you may need living single.


Gather up your utility bills, credit cards, grocery bills, etc. so you can get an idea of what you spend on living expenses.


You can also take steps to become independent. Research local housing options, bank accounts, a P.O.Box, state assistance (food stamps, housing, medical care). You may not need this information but it's far more useful to have and not need it than find yourself in dire need of this information and have no way to get to it quickly.


I'd also research a place to go if you choose to leave out of fear for your safety. A lawyer can answer many of your questions about whether you can take your children out of state or more than a certain distance. I'd also ask him about a legal separation so you can begin the process of legally separating yourself from your husband.


Finally, I do encourage you find support whereever you can. I know you are not comfortable talking within the church community, that's understandable, but you do need someone you can talk with and vent. Check out the local mental health services, community colleges, and the local hospital. You'd be surprised what's out there.


Finally, doing something, even making one phone call a day will make you feel less trapped and vunerable. Get going!


Good luck,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020