Help Ex Demanding Child Support on 50/50

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Registered: 04-06-2003
Help Ex Demanding Child Support on 50/50
2
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:39pm

My ex wants me to pay child support on 50-50 custody. Help! Here's my story. Divorced 3 yrs now, soon to be 17 DD who has been angry and hurtful since divorce. My ex has continually fanned the fire by taking her side, never listening to mine, saying negative things and agreeing with everything that she says.

Short summary, I divorced because my ex has played the "good guy" parent forever. I would discipline, he would undo. I would be upset and he would take our girls side. It was never "You mother and I are upset about..." it was always ME. He never was consistent or supportive in parenting and took their side against me. (We have 2 DDs: 22/17)
My youngest has been a real challenge, uncooperative, acting out by saying and doing spiteful things (throwing bleach on my black clothes, kicking my dogs, not obeying my house rules or respecting me, I could go on and on.) Part of this is his narcassistic and angry role and in his role of good guy-bad guy. I have sacrificed a lot for my youngest, struggling financially to live near her dad and sister to keep her happy, staying in her school district and near friends and try and accept that she is angry at me for leaving.

Problem is whenever I have an issue with her, (sex, drinking, disrespect to my family, friends or me) he says I'll get her side of the story and just gets angry at me saying I exaggerate, am crazy, don't love her and you don't know what your talking about.I know in my heart otherwise--I'm trying to be the parent. As a result she has been given carte blanche to pretty much do what she wants, get what she wants, and manipulate him. When she is angry he sides with her calling me mentally ill, unreasonable and uncaring.

At one point she pushed all my buttons for some extremely vile behavior and I got so mad I smacked her on the shoulder to shut her up. This was 4/2003. I didn't hurt her and acknoweledge that my anger had really got out of control, but I am not an abuser and even called the school to report it. I told her if she couldn't respect me and honor the rules of the house she would have to go to her dad's. He called saying "If I laid a hand on her again (I've never hit my daughter b4) he told her to call the police and they would slap me in jail. As a result she has since decided to live with her father all but 4 days out of a month. I try and keep in touch by phone and set meetings up but she always has an excuse. Even when I wanted her to begin to try coming back again it was all excuses. He is no use in trying to work this out because it fuels his anger toward my leaving. (I did not cheat!)

Both of them are always trying to make me feel guilty that I don't care or want to be involved in her life. I try but she is unreceptive, inflexible and unwilling to attempt to come back. We did counseling for a while but she would not acknowledge her anger toward me and would tell the counselor what they wanted to hear and then act as usual. Of course he loved all this because he is getting back at me for the hurt and has stated this. I have tried to talk it out, I'm never right, selfish, self centered and crazy. She never has time for me when I ask to try and get together, unless I am buying something or she needs something. I still have continued to pay for dance classes, shoes, haircoloring, clothes and anything that she asks for within reason. I have also acknowledge my contribution to the divorce, but fact is she is living and has been with him the majority of the time. This pain caused me to go into deep depression 2 yrs ago and almost end my life, I've since been thru counseling and meds and have my self esteem and confidence back. I will never allow myself to be degraded like that again or hurt. I have recovered and am stronger than ever.

FAST FRWD: I got engaged this year to a wonderful man with all older kids except for his youngest (G-17 too) who likes me a lot. I decided if my daughter wouldn't come over unless she had to on the 4 days of the month, to buy a condo and not have to worry about keeping it by myself (She refuses to do chores) I moved 15 mins further away. (we were 6 blocks apart from ex prior). It makes financial sense since I was paying big $$$ for a school system I wasn't using. Plus I had a home that was larger than I needed. I planned this prior to my engagement. I am the happiest I have been in a long time and part of it is because the abuse I suffer from my DD has lessened since she is not here to try and push my buttons constantly. With the move, the new stepfamily and future husband (who my oldest loves, accepts and adores) has come worse treatment. My youngest telling me I didn't consider her when I moved (how could I, she wasn't around plus I AM THE PARENT), that I am pushing her away, replacing her with a new stepfamily and still makes the excuse that it is too much trouble to come and visit, that its too far etc. (she wouldn't make it 6 blocks b4 either). That it will be a cold day in H---b4 she comes to visit.I have accepted that she doesn't want to come--their just excuses.

I have been moved a month now and she has not made it on the weekends I have her. I have told her that it is her decision that it is do-able but she needs to be flexible and she isn't. Now I am receiving an email from my ex stating that since "I have further distanced myself from our daughter and he is the full residential support or her he wants me to pay child support again. (I did, per my atty's advise when she initially moved out) Doing it for 3 mos until he quit cashing the checks since we were going to counseling). He says "My free ride is over" and that he has a rough idea from his atty what I need to pay.
I don't have a problem with the payment. Fact is she doesn't want to come, when she does she is hurtful. I have always continued to pay her dental coverage, and extras all along which are not cheap since he dotes on her so, but I can't pay $416 a month and continue with all the rest. She will be 18 on 5/2006. I admit that the relationship has totally degenerated. I can't talk to him because he gets so lewd and takes all of her side in whatever she tells him, but it makes me angry b/c I have tried so hard, almost to a fault to make things work, but I won't allow either of them to ruin my new life and my happiness through emotional abuse, that is why I left the marriage to begin with! Good example, of her disrespect--she and her 20 yr old BF came over the other night and went up to see her BR and were there for a while. We ate dinner and they left. When I went upstairs her thong was in the middle of a rumpled bed! So this is the hurtful experiences I have repeatedly been up against, I could go on and on. He does nothing.

MY QUESTION: What do I do? It will be tight to meet the support but I will do it. I can't make her stay or come anyhow. When she's there it hurts as much as when she's away but I've accepted I can't win this battle. My ex is using his anger to funnel it through her. I have found a happy life, I've told her that I love her and want her with me over and over and that I am not replacing her, but she doesn't hear. I am afraid that he will go for past support and more money and fact is, it isn't because I've distanced her, she (they) have distanced me. Can he get full custody? The amount I paid was based on the support calc that my atty provided me in 2003 to show that I was not abandoning my daughter. I stopped paying support b/c he asked me to. My ex and I cannot communicate, all he says is I don't believe you, I believe her. Then he starts all the guilt trips. I can pay the set monthly fee based on 50/50 custody, but do I have to pay for the extras too? That will kill me financially. Can he repetition? If I marry (live in MI) will my new husband's income make me have to pay even more?
It just makes me mad that I'm accused of being a bad mother, that I'm shrugging my financial responsibility, although my ex has never asked me for assistance if he needed it. (I have paid in the past for SATs, medical/dental bills when made aware of it) and the only issue here is a self asorbed teen who is playing parents against each other and doesn't want to go to mom's because she'll have rules, chores, and boundaries there--at dad's house she doesn't and gets all the benefit of the doubt.

I will pay and perhaps have pushed away some because of the ill treatment that has been part of our relationship which almost pushed me over the brink. I'm sick and tired of being the punching bag by both--but I can't financially afford much more--even if it is only for 1.5 yrs. I have advised him I will pay the $104 wkly at this point and am waiting for a response.

PLEASE ADVISE, I'm scared. I have never taken my daughter's side against him, I have never run my ex over the coals as respect for her well being and I have never told her of the things that he has said to me. I love my daughter and am trying to parent, but I am tired of being treated like the child.
D

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 1:54pm

I think you need to talk to your attorney about the support amount, what that covers (basics vs. extras) and whether he can go for back support. Also ask if the support payments will stop when she's 18, in some states it doesn't, or at least not automatically.

I can see you have quite a lot on your plate with your younger child, but I think you are doing the best you can do. One day your dd will mature and she will come back to you. I was not like your dd, but I did spend a good number of years in my later 20's apologizing to my mom for what I put her through when I was 17-20 years old.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-16-2005 - 3:14pm

I agree that the father can obtain more custody, because your daughter is old enough to tell the court what she would prefer. However, until he takes those steps and officially changes the custody, you have some bargaining room. You must definitely discuss all this with an attorney.

Do find out what extras you would be required to provide above CS. I think it goes without saying that if the child is fully provided for (by her father and by your CS), and if she is behaving badly towards you, you have no obligation to take her fun-shopping or get her hair colored for her. She is old enough to earn money, or negotiate an allowance with her father. Pay the CS and skip the hairdressers. If you can afford it and wish to do it, dance lessons could be a birthday gift or some such. But they are not a "given" for a child who breaks your rules. IMO.