help! ex getting remarried/upset daughte

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
help! ex getting remarried/upset daughte
3
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 10:06am

Help! My ex is getting remarried... he chose (or she did) 07/07/07 (that seems to be the big date that everyone is choosing this year... eeew!). Well, that is my daughter's 16th birthday. My daughter has had a confilt with her dad ever since he left in July 2004. He lives in Texas, we are in Colorado. Now, their relationship is even worse. Her dad called and told her about these wedding plans when she was just having "curtain call" at the school play. And, when she told him that it was really upsetting to her as she didn't want to go to Houston for her birthday, she wanted to be here with her friends, let alone have their wedding day be on her birthday, he flipped out and started screaming at her. He has a huge problem handling his anger (he won't admit it, but...). He told her things like "I f*%#ing sacraficed 15 years for you" "I don't care what you think" "everyone is coming to the wedding". I don't want to even get involved in this situation as my ex is always screaming at me. We had a 3 year divorce. The papers signed just last October (2006). He won't speak to me... only calls me names and such. He's 52... He's not stupid.

I am wondering if I should get involved or if there is someone else I can get involved to handle this. I have another daughter, who is 13, who doesn't care. Of course, she's pursuaded by the fun in Disneyland. My ex is getting married in California and taking everyone to Disneyland after the wedding. This from a man that just got done emailing the girls telling them he couldn't afford to have them come visit every month, like he told them they would do. And he tells them that he can't afford to come here, take time off work and rent a car to see them. The last time he saw them was Jan 1st.

soooo, what can I do? I want to really stay out of it, but I see my daughter is so upset and just wants to talk to her dad. Of course, he won't. He will ignore it all and just go about his merry way with this. What a jerk!

Help!!!
thanks, kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:00pm

Smile,


If you haven't been referred to a family counselor, please ask for one. Your ex husband isn't going to change and your children need help coping with their father, your divorce, and how they will respond to these new developments. Many local mental health clinics offer family counseling at a reduced rate. Please call today and ask for an appointment. Your daughter(s) need help understanding their father's behavior is his responsibility, not theirs, and their feelings are valid and should be considered.


And, depending on the laws in your state, your 16-year-old may be able to legally decline a visit to her father. But ask before you say anything. She's old enough to make decisions about whether she wants to see him, and how often.


Good luck.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:50pm

Thank you so much! I believe she can make her own decision. I also have reports from a child advocate (my ex tried everything to gain custody of the kids), which states that my ex has no clue how to handle "teenage girls" and how the girls are able to be involved with decisions such as this.

I will get them to a family counselor... I thought that might be a good thing. Thank you for confirming my thoughts.

On another note, I feel so at peace now. As far as I go... I feel good... I expected he would remarry (4th time!!!???? what a fool!!!). I always wondered how I would feel when I heard the news. I don't care, I feel okay about it... it's a relief in a way to know that this didn't upset me. I don't even remember who this man was (and to think I knew him for 20 years! wow!)

Did I mention that he had the girls tell me? He told my younger daughter first, a week before her sister. Why in the world would he do that to his kids? The girls were so worried about me wigging out! They kept this in for over a week. What a coward of a man he is. He should have discussed this with me... wow!

Thanks again for your advice!!!

Kathleen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 11:15pm
I would have her tell pops that surely he remembers his 16th B'day. And that she wants to celebrate with her friends. If he buys her a car than maybe she could drive there after her party. Of coure I don't expect it to happen but it might take him off gaurd. Your kids will be fine. They adjust. We are the ones that have the biggest problems.