Help!! To go or not to go??
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Help!! To go or not to go??
| Sat, 07-28-2007 - 2:12am |
I am very seriously contemplating leaving my husband of almost 3 years. We have been together for almost seven years and since the birth of our son who is almost 5 nothing has been the same. I feel as if I grew up when our son was born much more than he did or has. Also, he has changed jobs more times than I can count which has been difficult on me and our family because we have constantly been in a state of uncertainty. On the flip side of this, he is a great Dad and has been greatly supportive of me while I have finished my bachelors degree and begun to work on my master's degree. He desperately wants to try and patch things up and make it work for our son. He is making small changes to try and make me happy and now has a great job. The problem in this perfect scenario is that I am unsure that I want to try anymore. I feel that maybe it is too late to finally be making changes for the better. Most days, it seems like the only thing we have in common is our love of our son and what we want to do to make him happy. To me this doesn't seem very healthy. I love my son more than my own life but I also believe that it is beneficial for him to see his parents happy with themselves as well. I have mentioned divorce more than once to my H and he is never receptive to the idea and gets very angry at the mere idea of it, screaming threats that I will take our son away over his dead body, etc. I know that this is a lot of information to process but if anyone has any insight into what I should do as far as either leaving, counseling or otherwise I would greatly appreciate it because right now I feel like I am in a state of limbo and if I am going to do it it needs to be sooner rather than later.

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You didn't mention counseling. Counseling for you and counseling for both of you would be wise.
I believe marriage is a life-long commitment. I believe divorce is bad for children. Some divorces are necessary, nonetheless. Some children are better off ultimately if their parents divorce, but our culture, in my opinion, is waaaay to accepting of "not happy, then leave."
Weigh carefully the consequences to all of you before you take this step. Read about divorce and children (Hetherington, Ahrons and Wallenstein) and work incredibly hard on you marriage, *both* of you.
Gl.
M
i just posted how counseling has really helped clarify some things for me & the state of my marriage - if at all possible - i would have at least a couple of visits w/one to see if they can help you sort things thru & where you can hear an objective/professional opinion...
as far as some of the things you described, it doesn't seem as if you have a husband that things can't be worked out w/...and i'm wondering why he thinks a divorce means taking his son from him? w/my ex - we split 50/50 -
and being someone who really knows the consequences of ending relationships w/kids involved, i would advise you to proceed w/caution - making sure you've really taken all possible routes & done alot of soul searching before you lay divorce on the table - when you divorce w/children...it's not like w/out - you lose alot of control & a part of a life that you once had - and w/my experience, the reality of things didn't hit until a year or two later - and when it hit, trust me, it hit.
another thing i will say - is that happiness lies w/in you - and if you aren't happy w/you, then you can never be happy w/another or vice versa - re-arranging that equation isn't going to change anything - if anything it can make life alot harder & more complicated (once again, w/a child involved) - as someone here posted awhile back - happiness is a choice & that's something i totally believe now - so w/or w/out each other, you should be able to find happiness -
i see your point about the uncertainty - and that would be an issue for anyone - but if things are going well in that area now, then my advice would be to stick it out & see where things go from there - there is no more certainty in another relationship if you were to re-enter...remember that...
good luck w/things!!
Laurel
p.s. also - just as i am thinking about it - this thing w/job uncertainty - is that going to change if you split? think about it - if you split, you go from two incomes to one - not sure if he'll pay you support - but if he does, you still are dependent on him in one way shape or form, financially - yet, this time around you only have one income...
are you planning on remarrying? think realistically - since you have a child already, maybe this person would have children as well? is that something you want to deal w/etc? if they don't have children, maybe they will want more - are you ready for that? if you get my point, there really is alot of uncertainty in life in general - and even more so, unless you meet the ideal guy & you guys fit w/out a synch - which is possible - however the odds are against you -
anyhoooo!!! i'm just being the realist here - i think sometimes the grass looks so green on the other side of things - however, as they say - it may be greener - yet, can be just as hard to mow - lol!!
Thank you all for your insight into this. I am aware of the dangers or ending this which is why I am trying to do the right thing for all of us. I am not opposed to counselling and would consider it if he would go. I also know the repercussions of these actions on my son could be huge. I am not planning on entering into any new relationships any time in the near future no matter which way this goes but eventually I am sure that would also be something that would need to be considered.
Again I do appreciate your insight into what I may not have thought of and I will certainly give things a lot of thought. As one of you said, when children are involved everything is more complicated. I would never keep my son from him but there is still a whole new dynamic that needs to be created for sharing holidays, birthdays, etc. Lots of hard decisions and hard work definitely lie ahead.
I'm sorry, if you would just clarify - is this "your" son from a previous relationship? If not, unless he's completely unfit, then if he wanted joint custody - why would he only have him on holidays etc? I'm just curious about that & wonder where the disconnect about custody comes in at - him saying that by divorcing you would possibly be taking his son & you saying you would't keep him away from him? I'm wondering if the child is is being used as a power play w/all of this?
Once again, I'm only mentioning this b/c these are things I've learned over the years w/kids & relationships not working - eventually kids get to a point where they are old enough to put things together & if he is a fit, capable & ready to have his child parent, yet only has him on holidays etc. b/c of a divorce - there's going to be some anger there...also kids, once are old enough (12 legally) can make their own decisions concerning who they want to live w/ - so keep that in mind - w/a divorce, your whole state of motherhood can easily change...especially if two parents aren't w/in "sharing" distance & school districts are involved - and being that he is a boy - as my counselor told me - the same sex parent, is the more dominant one - i've watched it w/a friend of mine - she was the most loving mom ever, had a close relationship w/her son - however, once he hit 12, he wanted to go live w/dad - who was out of state - it's a done deal now...sooooo...she went from being full-time mom, to not one...
we live in different times now concerning children & custody - and w/father's being more active in their children's lives, it can makes the consequences of divorce all to real for us mothers - and i'm simply sharing for you what i've seen & experienced to give you more food for thought - i wish i would've thought more carefully, being that being a mom was/is a huge priority in my life - if nothing else, it would've helped me put things into a better perspective concerning the marriage - requiring me more so to see that no, he wasn't perfect, yet neither was i - and he was still willing to live w/me -
at least til the kids are 18 - ya know!!! and then maybe that time, you're over the whole "relationship" cinderella stuff - lol!!!
Laurel
No he is our son and there is not a power struggle....At least not that I am aware of. The problem is that he has another child from a previous marriage and his ex does everything that she can to keep him from being a part of his daughter's life. In some strange way she feels she is punishing him but doesn't realize that she is instead punishing her daughter by keeping her from her father. From this stems his fear that I would do the same with our son together.
In all honesty were it not for our son I am pretty sure that we would not still be married right now, but because of him we both want to try and make it work. I jmust don't know at what point you throw in the towel. I know that it is better for my son to have both of his parents but I also know that it is not healthy for him to see his parents always at each others throats and sleeping in separate rooms.
I will certainly not take this decision lightly as it is one that will dramatically alter the lives of all three of us not to mention our extended family and friends. I also as you pointed out do not want to risk losing my son somewhere down the road although it may be unavoidable.
Okay that explains the issue w/him feeling that way...No sleeping in separate rooms etc., isn't healthy & that is where my husband & I were at before ending things...
I'm not sure either as far as when to throw in the towel - I know that in the past, couples made it through whatever/however - as far as the kids - well I suppose they survived & most end up repeating the same pattern of marriage no matter what - hmmmm...
Honestly, I don't think there is a definitive answer on any of it - I guess you can find some balance in where your heart & mind both lead - God did give us both...
One thing I do know for sure is that both people have to be willing to look at themselves & own up to their own flaws...and it takes alot of open communication & maturity for that - but when one person blames the other & isn't willing to really step back, admit they weren't perfect either - then there comes the tension, which yes, is completely unhealthy for everyone - and I won't lie to you & say that w/that in mind, separation might be best -
if at all possible, it's better to work the problems out before the marriage, rather than after - of course you can't predict all the problems that will come up - however, really communicating about what eaches expectations are, whether or not they can be fulfilled & what would need to be accepted - that's a big start & something that i would feel a counselor would be a good mediator in -
i think the most important part of things w/having a child - is saying that you really did all that you could do & counseling is a good mark for that...
Laurel :)
sounds good :) i think to have a 3rd pty's opinion, could be a great asset - especially one that sees this type of stuff all the time ;)
we actually got 8 free sessions thru his EAP program, so if he has one of those, go that route...
good luck & yes keep us posted!!
Laurel
I think that as long as there is no hostility between you, then you should work on the marriage. Be sure that you are both willing to work on it though.
From my experience, I should have left earlier. So make up your mind before your son is old enough to be really damaged. I tried to stay together for the kids. I guess I was in denial that it was hurting my boys to watch his passive agressiveness and total neglect. My feelings meant nothing to him. My children learned that marriage is not about love, but sticking it out whether it works or not.
I wasn't all innocent either. I had an affair because I was tired of living like we were room mates. I guess that I figured that if he didn't want me, why would he care if I went to someone else for sex and affection. The affair lasted a couple of years, but I stayed through it and for 4 years after.
Now we are a year and a half into our divorce after 24 years of marriage. Our boys are teenagers and have a lot of anger. My oldest doesn't go to school, smokes, drinks, steals from me and sneaks out at night. Now he lives with his Dad because while he was with me, 'It was my problem.' When my other son comes home after his weekend with 'Disney Dad', he is angry and tells me all of the things that his Dad bad mouths me about.
Anyway, I just think that if there is no love leave. If you are both commited to working hard then try but make sure that it is going to be a loving and nurturing place for any children to grow up in. You don't want your child messed up like my kids are.
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