Help! Graduating,Dating, &Telling Family

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Help! Graduating,Dating, &Telling Family
7
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:24pm
I've been lurking for some time but need to come out for some friendly advice. I have been seperated for 5 months but checked out emotionally years ago, thats a whole other story. My question is this. I have been dating this guy for a few months, we were friends before I separated (and no he is not the cause of the seperation in case anyone is wondering), and he has been very supportive to me in many aspects of my life. I am graduating LPN school in two weeks and would like for him to come as much as he wants to be there. He has been there from the beginning with emotional support, more than I can say for my STBX, and has listened/helped me with the stress I have felt both because of school and with home. My dilema is that my kids know him as a friend, and that will not change for quite a while, but my mother and step father who know nothing about him will also be there. I know the situation will come up eventually and that the kids will have no problem with him attending but I don't know how to broach the subject with my mom who isn't sure why I am even divorcing, again a whole other issue. How do I try to talk to her before graduation and what would I say or do I let things play out at graduation (I know nothing would be said that night but it would be brought up later). We will act as nothing but friends in public as we always do when the kids are around so there will be no real proof but a lingering question. I don't want this whole thing to negatively affect my graduation after I have worked so hard for this but he is important enough to me that I want him there.


Edited 12/1/2006 3:03 pm ET by timejustforme2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:41pm

Hi Time,


Invite your friend to attend graduation and tell your

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 3:08pm
But at this point I really don't want the kids to know that he is more than a friend if things don't work out, they are 12 and 13 and already in a vulnerable state. Friends they can deal with something else I am not sure....they've only met him a couple times. As far as mom goes, she is very religious and I am not sure the holidays is the best time to bring up dating when the divorce isn't even filed yet(financial reasons only) does anyone else have any input?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 4:15am

You are the only one to know all the facts, so the only one to be able to make an informed decision.

If you want him to be there, you don't really have a choice but to let the cat out of the bag: if you don't say anything, it is going to come up later as you say, and it is going to be worse. Also, don't think the kids will not understand as well...they are tweens, and nowadays kids that age have a pretty good idea of what goes on.

Finally, as for the best moment to tell, there isn't such a moment. It is a pity that you don't think your mom will be happy for you, rather than be saddened by your decision.

It is wonderful that you found someone who loves and respects you, and who is willing to be there for you. Your questions make me wonder if it is really what you want... :) don't mind my asking. Sometimes when we find too many reasons not to do something, is because deep down we don't want it to happen (I hope it is clear...)...

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 6:09pm
I can identify with alot of your post...I am separated just over 3 months, but was emotionally gone a looooong time ago. I also have moved on and am seeing someone, and i will be applying to nursing school in June. As for YOUR situation, if it were me, I would do one of two things. First, if it is important for him to be there then find a way to make that happen and who says you have to let the cat out of the bag...your parents, the holidays, your ex, none of that matters, but if YOU as a MOTHER feel that your children are not ready to know more, then by all means protect that. I too am not introducing my guy for the only reason that if it doesnt work out for whatever reason, i dont want guys coming in and out of my kids lives. And its way too early to tell if its gonna work long term. Okay, so I would invite a handfull of friends, 3 or 4 more so he sort of blends in, and noone would be the wiser, just a handfull of friends to cheer you on...If that isnt possible for whatever reason, in the interest of the kids I would plan a special date after graduation, so celebrate just the two of you...I know you probly want him there, I would too, so my first choice would be to get a couple friends to stand with him so he isnt out there alone inviting questions..lol...take care and good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 2:26am
If he is your boyfriend then of course you are friends:) Your friends should be there to support you. I would not bother with explaining everything to the family. It is your life and your choice. If they ask he is a friend, which is the truth. Input from family etc. is not really going to make anything easier for you right now. Tell them when you are comfortable with it. Lots of Luck:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 10:08am

Time,


Another two cents. I sounds to me like you're more anxious about your mother's disapproval,

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 5:45pm
I did it, talked to my mom that is. She took it very well and asked if it was anything serious, I kinda let the cat out but also tiptoed around it. Wrong maybe but baby steps is all I can take at this point. I guess I have this anxiety about disappointing anyone the whole reason why my marraige got to the point it is today, all this should have happened a long time ago. Thanks you all for your advice I knew what had to be done but guess I needed some support from those that may have been there and done that, this whole dating thing is so new to me and I really didn't do much before I was married.