Help! How can we just coexist?
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Help! How can we just coexist?
| Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:50am |
Hello everyone. I'm new to the board.
My husband of 6 years(together 12) has stated for the 4th time in our marriage that we should get a divorce. We always disagree on issues and he's emotionally and verbally abusive. I won't tolerate the abuse, so we always argue about it. He won't go to counseling because he says that he has no issues. That it's all me and if I would do such and such, we would get along. Anyway, I know it's not all my fault and I've taken steps to try and repair our marriage, but he won't participate. I know I can't fix it all on my own, so I've basically just given up. I don't want to,I would do anything to save our marriage, but trying to talk to him is like talking to a brick wall.
We're both from a different state so we have no family here. We don't have the resources available for one of us to just move out. We can't afford the mortgage and bills at our home, plus an apartment. He says that he has a plan that will allow him to move out, but I haven't seen it yet. He's still here. We basically just coexist. He sleeps in the guest room. I still cook the meals, and wash all the clothes,everything is like normal except we don't communicate much and we don't share a bed. We have a child and I know that she probably knows something isn't right. I try to shield her from as much as I can because I don't want to hurt her, if he's just playing another silly game.I just never know when he's actually serious or not. Again, we've been through this before,and we always ease back togther. None of our issues get resolved, we just go back to normal with everything being shoved under the rug until next time.
This is so frustating to me. What are the best ways to handle this situation?
My husband of 6 years(together 12) has stated for the 4th time in our marriage that we should get a divorce. We always disagree on issues and he's emotionally and verbally abusive. I won't tolerate the abuse, so we always argue about it. He won't go to counseling because he says that he has no issues. That it's all me and if I would do such and such, we would get along. Anyway, I know it's not all my fault and I've taken steps to try and repair our marriage, but he won't participate. I know I can't fix it all on my own, so I've basically just given up. I don't want to,I would do anything to save our marriage, but trying to talk to him is like talking to a brick wall.
We're both from a different state so we have no family here. We don't have the resources available for one of us to just move out. We can't afford the mortgage and bills at our home, plus an apartment. He says that he has a plan that will allow him to move out, but I haven't seen it yet. He's still here. We basically just coexist. He sleeps in the guest room. I still cook the meals, and wash all the clothes,everything is like normal except we don't communicate much and we don't share a bed. We have a child and I know that she probably knows something isn't right. I try to shield her from as much as I can because I don't want to hurt her, if he's just playing another silly game.I just never know when he's actually serious or not. Again, we've been through this before,and we always ease back togther. None of our issues get resolved, we just go back to normal with everything being shoved under the rug until next time.
This is so frustating to me. What are the best ways to handle this situation?

My ex and I couldn't afford our mortgage either, we had to sell. We sat down and worked out separate budgets and estimated child support and proved to ourselves we could manage to separate without one of us getting screwed. So we put the house on the market and waited to move until it sold.
I think you have to decide for yourself if you want to coexist. You can, but you will not be able to shield your dd from the fact this is an unhappy marriage. Your relationships will be her example of what a woman should put up with, and what she is worth. Sometimes if you can't make it work, it is better to leave and be happy. But that is your choice to make, and either way the road will be full of challenges.
I agree with first. I KNOW it would have killed me to just "co-exist" with my ex... not to mention the effect of it "killing me" on my children. They feel everything.
You have to do what is right for you. The rest will fall into place later. Living in constant sorrow and resentment is not a way of life and if lived that way for too long it will become habit, harder to crack yourself out of.
Hugs to you and good luck
Angelena
My EX and I lived in "our" home together until our house sold..... it wasn't easy, but we managed... and it took lots of tongue biting and chanting on my part "it's alomst over.... it's almost over".
In the end, it was worth it because it helped to not further financially wreck us.... but that sure didn't make it any easier when we were doing it.
Hang in there!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~