Help! How Do I Tell Him I Want Out Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2007
Help! How Do I Tell Him I Want Out Again
1
Tue, 12-18-2007 - 11:45pm

I've been seperated and living on my own from my husband now for 7 weeks. It took me a year of solid work to work up the guts to tell him that I wanted a seperation. He'd always said that if I ever asked for a seperation that it was the same as asking for a divorce, so I knew when I did it I needed to be prepared for it to be the end. It probably made me stick around even longer then I would have otherwise. Sure enough, after two weeks of working up my courage, renting an apartment and planning out exactly how I would tell him I did it. It was so hard, and sure enough he told me "okay, that's it then".

I was sad, but relieved. Glad that the worst was over. However, a week later he called and said he did want to work on things. I told him I'd need time to think about it. 5 weeks later (a whirlwind for me between moving, my mother coming to visit to help out, the going home for Thanksgiving) he sends me an e-mail that looks like he is starting divorce proceedings. I send him one back asking if that is what he's doing, that I just need to know. He says, he hasn't heard from me in 48 days and he needs to move forward. I mail him back saying I understand, that it probably is time to move forward so lets get together over the weekend so we can talk about it.

I think I'm meeting him to talk about divorce, then instead he tells me that we should make this work. That we are meant to be together. He tells me all the things he's done in the last few weeks (all things I've been trying for the last 5 years to get him to do - which only made me angry not impressed). He's so determined to get what he wants, he doesn't even ask me what I want. Now if I say I want a divorce I really have to do it in the face of his big positive onslaught. I didn't know what to do, I knew I should be saying "no, no, that's not what I want, its too late." but I just couldn't do it. I end up going to a movie with him instead.

I try to tell him my concerns for the umpteenth time, but he just says "Oh we'll need to bring that all up eventually but not all at once." His idea of fixing things is to just try to have a good time together and not talk about any of the "bad" stuff. I know he still doesn't understand why I left, though I've tried time and time to tell him. So I know he won't be able to do what I need, even if I wanted him too, and I just don't anymore. He could become the perfect husband, its just too late, he didn't step up when I really needed it and now I don't need him anymore. I miss a lot of things about my life with him, but I don't miss him. Not as a husband anyway.

Now he's thinking we're going to be hanging out together again, but I don't want to but just wasn't ready to be the "b*tch" who says "I don't want you". I need to tell him, but how? It was so hard the first time, and I could really have used a little more time away from him before I had to do it, but now I'm forced to either play along (which seems cruel) or to hurt him yet one more time, and right before Christmas. Now he wants to cook me dinner Christmas Eve, and I wish I could just agree and not worry about this until after but that doesn't see right. What do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 12-21-2007 - 11:18pm

Well... how much do you have invested in this relationship... and how much would you be risking by just letting him cook you dinner and see what he says?


I mean, in no way do you have to lead him on or let him believe that this is reconciliation... seeing you *could* reaffirm to him that you can be civil... and comunicate with each other... see each other... but that doesn't


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~