Help! how to get him to move out...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Help! how to get him to move out...
3
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:45am

My marriage has been a wreck for at least 3 years, and frankly I've never been happy. We have two kids so I've been reluctant to take action until last summer when I began to suspect that my h was cheating. I confronted him in august, he refused to admit anything but an emotional affair. It was enough for me! This stressed him out, and I was starting a new job, so we agreed to table the separation. Fast forward to January, I see a lawyer, he sees a lawyer. He is rarely home, even sleeping elsewhere. I have my paperwork done in a timely fashion, he dawdles with every piece. It seems I will NEVER be rid of him!

He doesn't seem to understand that it is OVER. He fluctuates between being independent (like sleeping elsewhere) but often seems to forget and makes assumptions (a recent one being that he expected to be included in a family gathering and was hurt when I told him he was not welcome.)

He SAYS he is moving out at the end of March, and he has a place to go...still has not taken steps. He has never been a decisive person, but this is getting ridiculous. I don't want him around, I don't act like I want him around, I do everything myself. He seems to be hanging on for the kids, but in truth I think he is A)Afraid to be alone and B) Hoping that I will somehow forgive him and beg him to stay.

Of course, he hasn't done anything to make that happen. I'm not going to forgive him.

My lawyer says we can't force him out if he isn't abusive. His lawyer says he can't leave without a legal separation in place. I can't force him to get the legal separation. I feel very powerless.

Any suggestions on how to get rid of him? I'm ready to move on with my life. I've had 3 years to do all the work I needed to do on myself.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:04am

I don't know if this will help you or not, but my STBX finally moved out once he and I had a parenting plan negotiated between the two of us.

He too had been having at least an emotional affair for a couple years and had already filed for divorce but was reluctant to move out. He was very clear that just because he wanted to leave me that did not mean he wanted to leave our children.

At the time, our plan was not a legal document, but the parenting plan from our hearing of temporary relief does very much mirror our original plan since it was working for us.

We had our kids stay with their grandparent's for an evening and the two of us met in a public place, a restaurant/bar, to work out as many details as we could agree on. We had both looked at some sample parenting agreements from the Internet so we could make a list of the things we needed to address. There were a couple points where we agreed to disagree for the time being, but overally it was a very successful evening.

We told our children about out separation/divorce and our new way of being a family about a week later - just a few days before STBX moved into a rental house just around the corner in our neighborhood.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:12am

Oh, that sounds interesting but also like a bit of a delaying tactic for him to take advantage of. Frankly, he is too cheap to ask his lawyer for advice. He thinks it is about the kids, but he is really just dragging his feet as always. The kids won't even notice he is gone, he travels so much and works so many hours.

I decided this AM upon the direct approach and sent him an email (he is out of town for 10 days). I spoke from the heart, reminding him of all he has already done to move on and how he can do the rest of the work. I reminded him that I have been over this relationship for 3 years and I am not turning back. I told him I am interested in someone else, and that it is not fair that he got to get involved with someone and I have to wait until I'm legally separated. (I had to be honest when I discovered he was snooping in my email). Then I went back through and edited out the b#tchiest parts before I mailed it. You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, after all. I'll save the b#tchiest parts for another day.

I don't know when he will have time to check his mail. He may be checking often if he is hoping to get something from his girlfriend while they are apart!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 10:49am

I played the tactic that "oh... you'll be so much better off once we're divorced and you'll be free to move on to something else that can be everything that you deserve."..... whatever!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~