Help I am so confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Help I am so confused
2
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 3:55am

Hi, I need some support. History: 8 years, no kids, both of us are in our early 30’s. Last year my husband and I decided to go into counseling so we could learn to be more constructive with our communication. I felt like it is a preventative measure to ensure an enduring marriage with open communication. However, in the fall he became increasingly distant towards me. He became more moody towards me, drinking and going out on a frequent basis. I felt the distance, but was reassured in our counseling sessions it was just due to the pressure of school and working full time. I needed to be a patient wife. Then in December he seemed to be extremely annoyed by everything I said and did. Within two weeks of that time he came at 3:30 am to say, “I don’t know if I love you anymore”. I was so shocked. We have been so close and often others envied the openness of our relationship. By the next day it was revealed he had “feelings for someone else” (a person that we had known socially for sometime and I thought was a friend) and required a couple days to “think”. Irony of ironies I found out that she left separated from her partner at the same time? What a coincidence. Almost a week had past and he had not contacted me at all. I went to him asked to talk to me. He said he didn’t love me anymore, he wanted a divorce and that was it. Within two weeks he had all the assets and accounts separated and divorce papers drawn up and moved to another city. I, friends, family were all in shock by his behavior. I was devastated. I believed so strongly in the bonds of marriage and the vows that I took and couldn’t fathom what was happening to the marriage I cherished and that my husband would do this to me. That he had not been honest in counseling. That he treated me with such hostility and sometimes cruelty. That he could dismiss me like I was nothing.

Now six months later, I am still struggling so hard even with counseling and the help of antidepressants. I find out now he was developing this relationship before the marriage ended. He hasn’t contacted me. I have called twice in the 6 months so at least we didn’t need to end this with hostility, but he passive aggressively treats me with disrespect so I gave up.

Now he does things that he would never do with me. During our relationship he wouldn’t be social and didn’t like to travel. Now? He is “in love”, traveling, gallivanting fool. I don’t understand why he is this way now, but not when he was with me. I can’t help but feel bad about myself as our positions are so contrasting while he is off embracing life, new relationship, trying new experiences left right and center, while around I am stuck in depression, really, I wasn’t a bad wife. I do try to do new things, experience, live and create a new life for me, yet this hurts like S.O.B. I am feeling alone, angry, shattered, rejected, lost. How do I make it through this? Someone help me figure this situation out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 11:39am

You get by, by taking things one day at a time. It's only been six months. You spent 8 years of your life with this man. It was a little over 5 yrs for me and it took me 2 yrs to get over it. Im still healing, but its tolerable now. Him and I have a 3yr old together and that made it that much harder. For you, you dont HAVE to see him because of kids for example so it may be even easier for you. But dont rush it. It's going to take time to adjust to what's happening. Use this board, friends, family, Pray alot. Allow yourself to go through the hurt, pain, dissapointment, and whatever else you feel. Will it be hard? Heck yeah, but you WILL GET THROUGH. I never thought I would and I did.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Thu, 06-08-2006 - 11:40am

hey there!
Just take it easy, stop fretting, and keep busy. Go out with friends and have some fun.
Continue seeing your therapist to get you past this. You deserve someone better and you will find someone when you least expect it.

It is funny how the things that they did not enjoy with us, all of a sudden it is their favorite thing to do with the new woman/relationship. But, in time it will probably be the same in the new relationship eventually.

There are several men out there for each of us. Be patient and one will come along. Get out there and be social again. Girlfriend power!!

You will look back on this and think wow! I am so glad that I am no longer with him.

hugs!
D