Help I am so lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Help I am so lost
7
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 7:13pm

Well I have been married to my husband for 18 1/2 years. As far as I know we have a great marriage. We have three wonderful kids. We were married at an early age and was put together by the minister of the church. We never let that bother us we were just happy that we found each other. All of a sudden three weeks ago my husband decided that he wanted to be free and single. He said he wants to be able to choose who

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
In reply to: djt42
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 7:38pm

Well, I'll tell you what I did that didn't work, and maybe you can have better results if you do the opposite. My STBX said she "wanted some time to herself". I suspected that she was having an affair, confronted her but she denied everything. I did a little amateur detective work and confirmed my suspicions, at which point she admitted to having "a friend". We separated at that point, and I figured I'd wait it out and the affair would burn out after about 6 months, then I could get her into counseling. Didn't work...the "burn out" was a lot slower than I expected! Three years later when things weren't going so well with the BF she asked me if I wanted to work on things, but it was way, way too late. If I had it to do over again I would have immediately filed for divorce so it was clear that by continuing with the affair she was losing me and our life together. I don't know if that would have worked any better, but I'd certainly try something different than what I ended up doing.

When I hear a story like yours I always say "95% chance there's another woman/man". And I always get jumped on for generalizing. But I'll say it anyway. There's a 95% chance your husband is having an affair. Confront him, get it out on the table, and make sure he knows what he's losing.

Sorry that you are in such pain this weekend. Just remember that you are not alone. There's lots of caring people here and elsewhere in your life to help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2007
In reply to: djt42
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 10:41pm

Texas does have alimony but you have to have been married for 10+ years and not have the ability to get a better job to support yourself. That second part is really dependent on the judge.

I was working a low income job when my ex moved out. After about 18 mos I finally got a new better paying job.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: djt42
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 1:54pm

Sorry to say but I also think that your H has someone on the side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2007
In reply to: djt42
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 3:29pm

Hi


It sounds like you are talking about my husband. I knew he had an affair earlier this year. But that got cut off and he was back with me. For a few months things were okay. he was working really hard on rebuilding. And then all of a sudden, just like your husband, he wanted to be single.


I have found out in the meantime that he does have someone and I'm pretty sure it is still the same lady as he had back then .I feel backstabbed and extremely hurt. I relate to your pain. I also have no one around here, and no family that lives close. I'm going through this alone and it is hard.


Don't believe the lies he tells you. He did not just stop loving you. I too suspect that your husband has someone on the side, as awful as that must be for you to hear.


Hang in there, post here as often as you need. We gotta get through it! Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
In reply to: djt42
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 10:07am

Change can be hard in any form let alone when you least expect it!! I find it easiest to focus on the positives in my life- my 3 children are my BIGGEST positive, they are why I get up each morning. You have a job and even though it may not pay very much that can be a source of comfort too- it is good to have things to do.


I found that right after I left my husband-we had been together for 18 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
In reply to: djt42
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 1:16pm

Are you still involved in the church? If you are, you could ask the minister for some counseling and ask if he/she will talk to your husband. I agree with the man that posted earlier that your husband has probably met someone else. The other thing is, although it's sudden to you, he may have been thinking and planning for a while, but like a lot of people, he didn't tell you earlier that he was having "issues".

Do you have any savings? It'd be a good idea to speak with a lawyer ASAP to figure out how you can and what you need to support yourself. You don't have to go into warfare, but you should be prepared.

On the website TheModernWomansDivorceGuide.com there are State Resource pages that can help you find free legal help. There are also two interviews with Texas lawyers in The Family Lawyer Interview Series you can read.

As tough as it is, be strong and stay healthy. Thoughts are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2007
In reply to: djt42
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 2:20am

I'm in a similar situation--married 20 years and in Sept. my husband asked for a divorce.