Help, I'm losing my NERVE!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Help, I'm losing my NERVE!!!!!
4
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:41pm

Well, for those of you that don't know my story, it's pretty simple. Married 17 years, 2 kids (16 and 11)....STBX cheated on me with a friend of mine...I filed for divorce in June, final divorce date set for January 11, 2007. I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused for many many years.

Over the last few weeks, he's been really nice. We're talking, out of the ordinary nice. I know his girlfriend has moved on, LOL, but I think he's got way too much time on his hands and may have plans to weasel his way back into my life.

I feel like I'm losing my nerve. I feel like I'm losing my strength. I don't want him back, but as I always have in the past, I am falling for his charm.

Please I need help! What the heck do I do? Why am I falling for his evil ways?

Thanks for listening and please, send me words of wisdom!

Hugs,
Jennifer in CT

Jennifer

Proud Mom of Travis (15) and Mandi (10)

and our pets, Sully the Dog and Till

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:54pm

He is being nice because the final hearing is coming up! My stbx is doing the same thing......Don't fall for it honey!!
Hang tough!
YOU deserve better.....remember the way he REALLY is!

Stick with it!!

Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:57pm
I am just getting out of an emotional abusive relationship. He moved out 2 1/2 months ago and I changed our separation agreement to a divorce on Saturday. It is so hard to be strong when they start being nice....those are the men we fell for. Stay strong. I am constantly doubting myself but I know he will go back to his ways at any given moment..............................besides, his verbal garbage is affecting my kids, the way they see me, etc...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:12pm

Momof2,


Abusers are manipulators. Violence is a form of manipulation, i.e. if they hit you, yell at you, intimidate you, its a way of getting what they want from you. "Being nice" is just another form of manipulation. Your STBX knows just how to push your buttons and say just what you want to hear in the way you want to hear it. Since it's "nice" you figure he must be being honest and you hold out hope that "this time" he'll be "better." His goal is to still get what he wants and it's probably not a better marriage. In his case he's probably looking for sex. He figures he'll probably get it if he plays on your heartfelt wishes for the "nice guy."


The ONLY WAY I'd encourage you to even consider a reconciliation with him is to remain separated and both of you go to marriage counseling - together and separately. Being separated can provide a breath of fresh air on a relationship since you're not facing the daily or weekly blow ups that make it difficult to see what's going on. Going to counseling would help both of you work on your issues and provide both of you an opportunity to owe up to your end of the marriage bargain. If he won't go or says you're the one who needs counseling, then be careful about taking his "nice act" very seriously.


As soon as he has another girlfriend he'll be off again.


Stay strong.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:14pm
Someone on this board mentioned that she keeps a journal of all of the lousy things her STBX does- or has done so that she can avoid being sucked in by manipulation. May be worth a shot.