Help - long post
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| Sat, 02-24-2007 - 3:02pm |
Okay, I thought that if maybe I could talk to other people who are going through the same thing I am, I could adjust a little better. Maybe some of you can help me to understand this better because I'm just not getting it.
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years (March 11th is our annaversary) and he told me Feb 12th that he didn't think he could do this anymore and that he was done. He literally blind sighted me with this. I mean, yeah, we've had our problems, especially this past month, but our relationship as a whole has been amazing. We've been through a lot emotionally - he was in the Navy and was gone on two long deployments (7 months & 5 months), his grandmother dying, I've had fem. problems, etc. We get along great, we have fun, laugh, almost like a story book.
Recently, I've been having trouble with work and other sorts, and he's been really busy with school and work and his firefighting traning, so we've not spent a lot of time together. And when we've seen eachother, I've been upset because I've missed him. I guess I had the notion that I would get to have more of him when he got out of the Navy back in June but such has not been the case. The weekend of the super bowl, we got into a fight, and I can't even remember what it was over, probably me upset again that he didn't want to spend time with me that evening. So we talked and he told me that he wasn't sure if he could do this and that he was sick of the fighting. So we spent the weekend apart and then he came back from his friends and told me that he was sorry and that he couldn't see himself without me, that he missed me and that it didn't fit in with his plans to not be with me. We talked about fixing our problems and about how we were going to work on them, and that's what I've been doing. Well, I come to find out on the 12th (when he told me he was done) that he felt like he was just going through the motions with me and found that he wasn't really trying. But what's wierd to me is that we'd been having a great week...no problems, etc.
So in the two weeks that we've been seperated, he's removed all my pictures from his myspace (I know, we're lame), from his camera, hasn't called me but a few times to pay some bills or ask me where his hat is, he's sleeping in a different room, took off his ring, saw an attorney - basically cut me completely out of his life.
How can someone go from being madly inlove with their spouse to completely cutting them out of their lives. The pictures, the "I love you", the whole thing? How can someone say that they want to bring children into this world with you and then the next week decide that your relationship is over? How can someone treat a 3 year relationship with such harshness, treating a seperation/divorce like a break up?
It's not like I cheated, or he cheated. It's not like our relationship was in shambles or like we were abusive. It's not like we hated eachother or didn't get along with eachother's families/friends. We argued like a NORMAL couple. We made love like a NORMAL couple. We shared our lives together like a NORMAL couple. We held hands, and laughed, wrestled, cleaned house, went to the movies.
What really upsets me is that he's not even giving me the respect that a husband gives his wife - ESPECIALLY after all she's done for him. I waited over a year for our relationship to be one on one, I gave him his freedom, I gave him his boat, his truck, his dog, his fishing pole. I gave him my entire world. You would think that I deserve as much as a second chance to make things right, I deserve the opportunity to try and make this relationship work and fix the problems. But no. I guess it's not worth his time. Funny thing is...I gave him all of mine.
I'm honestly trying to be strong. I'm doing everything that I said I would do when we spoke about our differences. I'm holding up my end of the bargain...can't he see that? Can't even recognize that I'm trying to change for the sake of our relationship? Can't he even try? And what's more, he's not a quiter, never has been. He's always "prided himself on being a doer" and that he's someone who "never gives up". That's why I married him...that's why I was so dedicated to him and loved him. Because of who he is.
He says he'll always be here for me, that he'll always love me and that no matter what, we'll always be best friends. That's great. I love that, but where's my respect? Where's the effort in the relationship? Did all of those letters mean jack? Do I just not deserve to be given the opportunity to TRY to make this right? So did he just lie when he said "until death do us part" because I've never known him to be a liar...It wasn't too long ago that he wrote this email to me:
"I just thought that you might need a little boost this morning so yah. Just so you know I am always thinking of how beautiful, cute, sexy, gorgeous, radiant, intelligent, classy, sassy, humorous, extravagant, loving, and caring and how wonderful you are to me and every person your around, you just have a glow about you that is hard to miss and with that beautiful smile and those baby blues you are just hard to miss. I hope you slept good and that this puts a big smile on your face because I know it did to mine and everything I said is from the bottom of my heart. I love you Danielle and miss you more and more every day. From your husband, Shawnn"
Like I said, I'm trying to be strong. And I feel like I'm holding up pretty well. I've the support of everyone and I know that atleast I'm trying. And I'm not trying to get us back to where we left off because obviously that's not where we wanted to be, but I'm trying to work at getting us to be okay so that we can be happy again. I just don't understand what happened...I don't understand who he is or where my husband went. Two weeks ago, we were making love, making plans, sharing our lives. Now, we're just done and he doesn't even care about our past or the future we made together.
I realize that this is a lot to take in, but I need some advice. I want to know if I should just give up or if I should keep going because my heart is telling me to hold on. All of his family and friends are telling me to hold on, but everyday it gets harder.
Help?
Edited 2/24/2007 3:26 pm ET by kittlesd


I know what you are going through. It has been 33 days since my husband left me the first time (on my 30th birthday), then he returned 2 days later. Then on Jan. 31st, he left again and has only returned to pick up his things. I am struggling with what to do. I want my marriage to work; we've been married 9 years, together for 11, and known one another for 14 years (almost half my life). We have had one serious talk since he left, and that was a little over a week ago. I got a lot of my questions answered, and I felt better after talking, but he's still unsure as to what he wants to do. He says he hasn't pursued divorce, but that he just needs time to figure out what he wants. I told him that I want him, and that I don't want a divorce but that I am not ready for him to move back home (even though that's what I really want, we're not ready for that). He doesn't feel anything will change.
Don't give up, but don't dwell on him. Let him be, and let him realize what he's missing. Focus on you. Do things to make you happy. Go out with friends (go sit and have drinks and men bash; it's fun), read, get a manicure or haircut or both, watch some movies, write in a journal, post on here, etc. That's what I am doing. I have read so many relationship/divorce/separation books in the last 2 weeks (1st week I was a zombie), and I am learning a lot about myself and my husband. I'm having to learn to just give him time. I've taken the advice of one of the board leaders on the "Breaking up is hard to do board". She told me to write my husband a letter and tell him how I feel about him, tell him why I love him. I spent two days composing the letter, and now it is sitting on my desk. I've decided to wait 2 weeks before I mail it. When he and I spoke last, I asked him about talking again by mid march (spring break-we're both teachers), and possibly see one another. His response then was "I don't know, I'll have to see". So, I'm going to mail the letter the weekend before the vacation, then see what happens. If he calls me over the break after reading the letter and 3 weeks of no contact, then great, wonderful, maybe there is hope for us after all. If he doesn't say anything, then I know I need to leave him alone.
That's what I suggest for you, worry about you, and leave him be. Do things for just you. I know it's hard to take, and I know that is not what I want you to hear.
Good luck, take care. Hugs going your way.
Melissa
Melissa,
I appreciate your words. It's especially hard because he's still living with me, but in the guest room, so we see eachother all the time and talk like normal but it's like there's a BIG pink elephant in the room...awkwardness.
I am trying to do the "me" thing, I've started working out, like the day after we "broke up" and so far, it's great (I keep getting compliments like "you're glowing" and "have you lost weight!"). And I'm also going out with friends and rekindling old friendships. I'm also trying to stay optimistic and not dwell on him but seeing him everyday is good and bad. I still tell him I love him every once in awhile, but I don't hear it back, so it's harsh.
But I've been talking to his friends, and they all say that he's being stupid and that he just needs to get over himself. And I guess he was talking to one of our mutual friends and he told him that he was "just so tired of stuff".
I just don't understand how he can just give up on all of this.
Good for you. I too have been working out (we had just started a membership at the YMCA 3 days before he moved out), and have caught up with an old friend that I haven't spoken to in over a year (I'm actually going to see her in a couple of weeks over spring break). I have started going to church again (I've wanted to for a while, but he never would commit to it), and I have joined a couple of book studies at the church with a co-worker/friend of mine. I am starting to volunteer with local youth, and I am really looking forward to that. Next week I am going to a writing conference for school. It's four days at a big hotel in Houston. I can just drive back and forth each day, but I am thinking of getting a room for just one night for a treat for myself.
I am glad that you are taking care of you. Believe me, after letting him take care of me for so many years, I have been so scared. He paid all the bills and such, so I am still trying to figure out what bills there are, and when they're due and whatnot. What's nice is that if I have a question, he will answer, just as long as it's not a question about us or our marriage.
Over the next couple of weeks, I have plans to go to the rodeo with my sisters, see a movie with my family, possibly go to the zoo with my family (younger high school age sisters and my parents), get a manicure and pedicure (co-workers got me gift certificate), get highlights in my hair (never had them), attend a counseling appt., and attend the musical Wicked with my sister in April. I have found that making plans help because it gives me something to look forward too. Especailly since I have a whole week of no work coming up in 2 weeks.
I don't understand how my husband can just give up on us either. I've been told to just give him time. But, I am afraid of making myself seem too independent and too busy so he'll interpret that as I don't need him, which is not true.
Just try to give it more time. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.
First of all, HUGS.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit