help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
help me
5
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:09am
I'm new. I joined tonight. My husband told me today that he wasn't happy and was having an affair. I had no idea. we have been married almost 15 years. we have a beautiful six year old son. How can I go from loving someone with all my heart to hating him in one day. Why does it hurt so bad? Why am I crying and miserable and he goes on about his life? I need to stay strong for my son-- but how am I going to get through this? I thought he really loved me. This hurts so bad. I can't stop crying. What am I going to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: memorialmayday
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 6:49am

memorialmayday..

Betrayal by any spouse is brutal!

Pianoguy knows this first hand after learning that his bride of 15 months had been having an affair with a man from a different state.

So hating the person whom you trusted and loved for more than 15 years and fathered your 6-year old IS COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE!

Unfortunately, you're going to have to look at the responsibilities that come with being A SINGLE MOM not to mention an unmarried woman.

First...talk to a close friend or family member you trust and can keep your situation out of the ears of others. You don't need the unnecessary stress or vocal suggestions from people who will automatically call your soon-to-be-EX...a b**tard! Talk to someone who can be rational...and can also give you the name of a good divorce lawyer.

Tuesday...you call and set up an appointment. Meanwhile...you make a long list of what you feel you're entitled to care for yourself as well as your son. Your husband might have decided to turn to someone else...BUT...the price of 'having another partner' could cost him more than he possibly can imagine?

Now stop crying and start writing that list!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
In reply to: memorialmayday
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 7:07am

<<<<>>>>

Betrayal is hard to take. All you can do now is cry. Just try to do it when your son isn't around. It's hard. I had a miserable marriage that I was staying in for the kids and I was an emotional wreck the first couple of weeks after stbx announced he was leaving. Of course my dad died 4 days after he left and that complicated things.

It will be a few weeks before you feel remotely in control. You're in shock right now. Be with friends and family as much as you can. Go do things with your son to take your mind off of it. Just get through the next few weeks as best as you can and things will start to stabilize.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
In reply to: memorialmayday
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:55am

I totally can relate to what you are going through. My ex-H dropped the bomb in January 2007 after 11 years of marriage (+ 2 little girls) and I think I cried everyday for 2 months. I am now starting to come out the other side of it (or at least handling things so much better). I found that journaling really helps. Write everything you are feeling in a journal because your journal won't pass judgement on you. You will notice in a few months when you look back at your journal entries that you are definitely not as sad and angry as you were. I've started to do that now and I can tell that I have come such a long way. Also, counselling has done wonders for me. It's good to talk to someone who is outside of the situation. I also found that physical activities like using my elliptical machine, going for a walk, etc. helped get rid of some of the pent up anger because there will be plenty of anger. Just know that when you get to the really angry stage you are getting closer to acceptance and that is a good thing.

Please remember this is not your fault. No one deserves to be cheated on. This is ALL about him. Everybody says "time will heal". It sounds like such a cliche but it is so true. Spend lots of quality time with your son and know that your ex-H is the one who will end up the loser. I keep waiting for that "what goes around comes around" thing to kick in with my ex...argh! haha

Keep your chin up. You WILL get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: memorialmayday
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 9:59am

I am six months ahead of where you are now. Our situations are very similar. I can tell you this - there will come a time when you can stop crying but allow yourself some time to grieve. You are in shock right now and need to take care of yourself - so surround yourself with people who love you and find a professional to talk to. You also need to protect yourself - so get a good lawyer. Take each day as it comes - some days getting out of bed and taking care of your son will be all you can do and that is enough.

It will get better. You will get through this. Come here often and let us know how you are doing. You'll find lots of support and companionship here.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can tell you from experience you will find your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2007
In reply to: memorialmayday
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 1:12pm
Thanks everyone- reading your posts did make me feel better. that doesn't mean I won't totally lose in 20 minutes but at least I know there are other survivors.