Help me help him
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| Sat, 12-01-2007 - 7:58pm |
I filed for D a month ago. It will probably be final in a month or so. My H and I have had a very difficult last few years. I finally had enough, and filed.
History is that my H is bi-polar and has had a lot of issues with lying, not paying bills, lying, not paying CS, lying, and did I mention lying? The nights that I stayed up all night worrying about the police coming to the house to take him to jail, for not paying his CS, the days I worried about what would get repo'd because he didn't pay the bill, worrying about getting sued by someone because of something he did, the constant times I wondered what of what he was telling me was true, and what was a lie, all of it has taken a huge toll.
I can no longer trust a damn thing he says, can't count on anything, can't rely on him. There's no feeling worse than never being able to believe in, and depend upon, the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with.
He is completely destroyed by this. He is begging, pleading to come back. He is trying to fix all his problems. He is really trying. And he begs every day. And he is oh, so sad. And I cry for how completely destroyed he is by the D.
So, my question. What do I do to make this easier for him? I am not changing my mind, and I have told him that, time and time again, but he keeps holding out hope. When he calls and wants to talk, do I answer? When he wants to come see me, do I let him? What do I do, to help him get through this, so that he can start to move on? He said he never will. That he will always love me. He asks if I love him, the truth is that I do, but does telling him that make it better or worse? I love him like my best friend, but I will never be in love with him again. And I am done.
So I guess the question is, how honest should I be with him about what he has done to me over the last 5 years, and what do I do now to help him walk away?


btdt -
I just read your other posting from tonite
BTDT,
Decisions like divorce often leave both parties with regret. It's part of letting go of the dream of marriage and the part of the grief process in ending an marriage. It's stiff price for moving on with your life. Yet, you can survive to do so.
I suspect your STBX is "begging and pleading" with you about the divorce because as they say, the chickens have come home to roost." In other words, he's paying the ultimate price for his habitual lying and failure to treat his mental illness. As long as he got away with lying he figured you'd always put up with it. Now, by filing for divorce, you've said "no more" and he can't lie his way out of it.
The best "help" you can give him is two things. First, minimal contact, if any at all. Every time you pick up the phone or allow him to come over, you give him false hope of stopping the divorce. So, no, don't take his calls and don't invite him to see you. If he needs to talk, he needs to talk to a professional counselor. If you say anything to him, that's what you tell him. (But don't take responsibility for finding a counselor and making an appointment).
Second, I encourage you to seek a support group or counselor to help yourself with letting go. It is difficult to feel nothing toward someone we've shared a home with for many years. Hence, I'm not going to chastise you for feeling sad about his pain. It's normal to want to avoid hurting those we love. What I would hope is you don't stay there too long. A professional counselor or a support group can help you over the guilt hump and help you feel less responsible for your STBX.
Finally, having a bi-polar SIL, I'm all too familiar with the frustrations you've suffered.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thank you both. It seems the concensus is that the continued contact is harming more than helping so I will stop that. I appreciate it - that's exactly what I needed to know. You're right, this is very difficult even when it was my choice.
Wisdom Tooth - I love your "learn to spell" section. Tee hee. My pet peeve is spelling, or lack thereof. You gave me a chuckle.
Can you add Their and They're....? :)