Help me I'm drowning

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Help me I'm drowning
9
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 2:24am

It's been about six months since I last posted. I was struggling but starting to do better, my theory the last time I posted I had decided that I was not going to be upset over something I can't control. Fast forward to now, something happened in the past two weeks, I miss him terribly. He still has not filed for divorce because he still was not certain, I had left it to him if he wanted to leave me he could file. I mean come on you don't walk away after 18-19 years and just say I can't be with you anymore, I have no feelings for you. Over the past few months he calls or stops by, he has asked me to go do things, we were doing well, maybe that is why I changed in the way I feel. I admitted to him I missed him and I let him know that I wanted to see if we could get help. He told me that he did not see the point in working things out and he did not want me any more, he told me we have no chemistry and I never did make him happy. He had only been with me for so long because of our three children and that he knew the day after we were married that we should have gotten the marriage anulled. I was devastated, I begged him to please give me two months to prove to him that I could be what he needed. He persistantly said no and I begged over and over. This is not me, I am strong and able to survive without him. I spent our whole marriage with knowing he did not love me, he was emotionally and physically abusive, he spent little time with me and never cared one day what I wanted from life. So....why, why do I sit here sobbing and sobbing barely able to see though my tears. For years I did not want him, he had rejected me over and over and I thought why do I care. We seperated once before, but when we got back together I put myself out I came back and wanted a new life with him, and I tried. But as always he pulled away and told me how I was to blame for our relationship, but never reasons why. So yet again....why do I sit here sobbing and sobbing, barely able to gain control.

It will be interesting to see what happens, I know he is now going to move forward with him lawyer, but what he does not realize is that our lawyers do not agree. He thinks that he can pay child support and have me sell the house. One month before we seperated he refinanced our house and paid off his bills and got into his appartment. What he does not realize is that not only does he have to pay child support, but now alimony because of my lost equity in the house and I will probably get more than 50% of the house. He is now going to think I'm being vindictive or he is going to realize he might be making a mistake. Either way I get to play bad guy. Which would not be bad if I did not live in a small town where all of his family lives and none of mine.

I don't know what I need right now or how to get myself back on track. Yes, I'm seeing a councilor, and I'm sure she will have a hay day with this breakdown. I know I can't be the only one that has fallen off the wagon in a bad relationship, but how the hell do I get back up. I can't seem to find it in me to want to give up. Help someone get a two by four and smack some sense into me!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 06-29-2006 - 5:41am

Have you visited the Domestic Violence New Beginnings baord? Many women there are where you haev been. WHY do you feel this way? B/c abusers KNOW how to control. They know what buttons to press. & YOU are so programmed, that this is how abused women often feel in this situation.


You deserve SO MUCH MORE. He does NOT deserve you or your love.


You will be ok.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:27am
Thanks for suggesting that. I had not thought of going there before, might have to check on that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 12:50pm
Hi chickygirl,
I just wanted to post to let you know that you are not alone. My story is like yours in so many ways. Only, I left because the house was in his name....but I mostly paid for it. He thought he would get all of the house and we'd split the bills...He got the house but he also got all of the bills to pay me for my equity. He told everyone in our small town how I cheated (which I did not...he did) He told them I took him to the cleaners in our divorce....Our divorce was fair...and the people who wanted to believe him....did... but usually the truth comes out in the end!
And as far as missing him and wanting to work it out....I hear ya! But I think it is part of the process of letting go. At first I was so angry that he wanted a divorce after all that I had done for him...all the work that I put into our marriage...and he wanted someone else. I was mad as hell......But then as time went on I was able to let go of some of the anger and I found myself missing him and the good things about him....and as a little more time passed, the bad things about our marriage seemed to fade away and I was left with fond memories which made me miss him more....But he had moved on and was engaged to someone else. It has been a year and a half since we split up and I feel like I have been on a roller coaster ride....up then down...up then down....but now my head is clearer and I can see the good and the bad. I know that, for whatever reasons, my husband and I were not ment to be...and even though I think how he treated me was crap...I will always have feelings for what we shared but I think I am ready to put them in the past ....It seems like it was all a healing process...the anger...sadness...then acceptance....I am hoping I am ready to move on and find happiness of my own. I know it is hard now but just feel your feelings, know that they are normal, LOVE yourself, and take good care of you....because if you don't no one else will.....
Best wishes,
Diana
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 6:09pm

Diana,

It's always interesting to hear people going through so many similar things. I just know that it's going to be all about what I did not him and that is frustrating. People have told me at random times he's so nice what's wrong with you. I protected him for so many years that it amazes me that people don't know the truth. My close friends do but they know I don't want them to share that information.

It kills me that he has money to spare, although he tells me he is broke, and he knows that we struggle all the time. My councilor says it just shows how he feels about me that he will let us struggle.

Right now there is not a lot of drama in this podunk town but I know once the financial things start coming up and he see's how much he has to pay he will start whinning loudly.

The thing I kick myself for is that for 16 years I knew that I needed to get out and that it was a bad situation. But I just kept believing if only I was better, prettier, better mother, wife, always always striving to the perfection that he wanted but I would never reach. I kept myself blind to the fact that he never tried to make my life better it was just about what I was to do for him.

I just can't believe that I let myself get to this age of 37 and I look back and think I could have had a chance when I was younger to find someone but now....I'm not so sure. One I'm so damaged and have a difficult time letting anyone close, male or female. I'm not good at making friends because I no longer trust. Secondly, because of some of my health problems I am 50 lbs overweight, and when there is nothing buy young pretty girls around so men just don't see me. I have lots of male friends but that's just it, friends. I have been without a relationship for so long that I have no issue with wanting to move on and find someone. It's not about filling the void but it's about finally finding someone where we can make each other happy and share a life.

Ok I will stop venting for now. I could go on and on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 6:26pm

Vent away sweetie...that is what these boards are for....
And don't knock yourself down. I gained 30 lbs after the divorce and now I am trying to loose some of it and feel better again. You do what you need to to take care of yourself. If that means loosing weight, getting a better job...whatever you need to do....you have to take care of yourself.
I know that money can be an issue, but there are many things we can do to take care of ourselves that doesn't cost much. Put it in your budget even if it is 10 dollars...treat yourself...love yourself...
And one other thing I have learned thru all of this..... The best revenge you can get against the X is get out there and look good, do good and be happy!!!! IT DRIVES THEM CRAZY!!!! They think we can't make it without them.....they want to se us struggle... I know it is hard but even if you are struggling....don't give him the satisfaction of knowing...it is none of his business.....
Take care!
Diana
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Fri, 06-30-2006 - 6:40pm

Yeah I'm making sure I don't ask him for anything. I don't want him to think that we have to depend on him...although we do need to. I found ways around things, the girls have learned to call him and ask for money and the two older ones work for what they want.

I'm trying to better myself and move forward. I work out but I'm not progressing and that adds to my frustration.

Right now I'm trying to find ways to surround myself with supportive friends. The girl I considered my best friend for nine years is very toxic and competative and actually affected a relationship I have with one of my male friends. I have recently cut ties with her and that's been hard to not want to call her but she tends to put me down belittles me so that she feels better about herself. So right now I'm trying to find a new group to hang out with and that has been difficult.

I can and will move on from him, I just have to make a list of all the things he did to me and all the reasons I wanted to leave in the past. I was actually going to do this last fall when he threatened to leave me so that I would not forget. Now I wish I had.

One of the things I always thought I wanted for my girls was a better life, to show them a life where people were happy and family was a strong and good things. I know I can still give that to them but about two years ago I realized that everything I put them through by staying was now permanently there and it did not matter if I started over, their lives were now very affected. I'm lucky for all they have seen and been through they are very well adjusted, strong and confidant.

Thank you again Diana. I enjoy talking to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:11am

I have felt that way before... To this day, in my STBX's eyes I never do anything right and I am never good enough. He always thinks the lowest of me. He calles me names and accuses me with his assumptions even though there is no evidence.

Yet, all these years, I have tried to prove to him that I am really a good person. But it came to the point that I realized that his reverse pshychology was working on me...... One day I looked back and realized that I am the one who is doing everything right, and him not doing any thing at all!!! It is amazing but everyone knew this but me!!!

Once I hit that point, I felt so free. I don't care what my STBX thinks about me. He's like a fly in my face. Once you hit that point, you will feel very empowered because you see so many possibilities in yourself and your future.

Maybe you can move to another city and start a new life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 1:28am

Can't move yet, my oldest daughters are going to be a senior and junior in High School. By the time my middle daughter graduates the youngest will be a sophmore. So I'm here for a few more years, although I dream of leaving all the time.

How long were you together?

My husband was that way (see I stil can't say STBX, maybe once one of us files) he wanted a level of perfection that was impossible to reach. But if I met his mark, he'd change it and I still was not good enough. Everything I did was wrong and if I changed I was still wrong. I used to ask myself why I let him treat me that way and I would imagine a life with someone that would want to be with me. I remember in the end if I would laugh at something someone said he would get upset that I was enjoying myself.

Tonight I went with two female and one male friend, we got food and a few drinks, after that we went to a youth baseball game of another friend. It was so nice just to enjoy being and not worry about someone being angry when I returned home or being upset because another man had been with us. I think I wondered what he was doing once tonight but I put it out of my mind.

The only thing I'm having a hard time seperating ties with him on is going to the local race car track. We have gone every weekend for two years and last year I got him into racing. It's something I always wanted to do but due to my arthritis I don't feel as if I can live this dream. Anyway, I don't want to give this up because of him but it's very hard being in the pits while he is there. Other drivers have offered to let me hang out with them but they are still right next to us. I even told him that I should be allowed to get "racing" in the divorce because it was my thing. Everytime I try not to go, I draw myself back over.

I think I'm still so close to the issues with him and the life I wanted with him but never had to be able to hit that point of empowerment. But I will be there, I will get to that point and I won't look back when I do. Just the idea of a better life is beginning to drive me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 8:05am


Even when a painful, unhealthy