Help me let go........
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Help me let go........
| Mon, 12-18-2006 - 8:27pm |
I know, no one can really help me let go, but I need help. I posted a little bit ago and got some really good responses, which was well needed. However, I cant help but think every day is getting worse instead of better. I think theres something mentally wrong with me (other than absolute denial). Wont go through the whole run down again...seperated almost 6 months...hubby left....I want to be together, he loves being irresponsible. I feel like I dont have a friggin back bone...somebody just stole it one night, cause I used to be strong. My ex picks my kids up on Wed after school and keeps them Sat nights. Not much time with them, but even that seems too long for him. Now this week he is off school, so he is picking them up every day and next week he will watch them everyday since they're off also. Now this is too much for him, he is pissed. They are attached to my hip any other time, he needs to help. I just bounced a check (intentionally) because i didnt have the money for last weeks afterschool care. I havent received child support yet...he has made 2 weekly payments, but apparently it'll take 3 weeks for me to get them. I am stone broke, using my moms cc for xmas. He had the nerve to call me in work today to tell me if he is picking the kids up...he wants me to give him 100 back when my child support comes in. That he is saving me money, so I need to give it to him when i get it. First...I have been getting all the kids gifts...if it were up to him, they'd have nothing. He actually told me not to get them anything, they'll "get over it". He has spent 35 on my daughter and will spend the same on my son. To top things off, his mom (who actually used to hate me) told me yesterday that she thinks i should still go to his aunts for xmas (I always did). she said I'm still a Harper and I should be there. I actually wanted to. Trying to hold on to it rather then be depressed out of my mind. I told her I would feel him out. She said it doesnt matter what he thinks. So I talked to him about it anyway. Not to my suprise, he said it would be uncomfortable and he's pissed his family wants me there. He said he's not getting anyone gifts and doesnt want me to show him up. also that he doesnt think anyone would know how to act. (which is BS) so anyway, he told me he wants me to just say Hi and bye when i drop the kids off and not get along with his parents because they think somethings still going on. guess he doesnt want to look like the bad guy, since they knwo how I feel. I'm just sad because I dont have much family....now I have to give them up too. I sound so pathetic, I know. I just dont know how to cope. He told me to keep the kids on xmas so I dont have to be alone and he'll see them the next day. The kids have been looking forward to it for months. But I cant be selfish... I just dont want to be home or anywhere else crying all day over whats gone. I really dont want to deal with it anymore, I think my usual depression is making things worse and I cant handle things now. Honestly if it werent for my kids, I wouldnt be here now. Also when I was told a few months back about ebing sick, he didnt care at all. I ahd a procedure done and asked him to help with the kids so I could sleep, he said he has homework...he cant. so I ahevnt told him anything more. Now he thinks its a sympathy thing to get him back and told me he'll believe me when I die. As orrible as he makes me feel, why do I still love him? Why do I want to put up with everything just to have one more chance to hold him. It happenned so sudden, I know Im in denial, I keep thinking it cant be over. I guess it is, and eeryone tells me Im better off etc. But I want him sooo bad, it kills me. After 6 months , i shouldnt picture him next to me anymore, shouldnt pick up pennies on heads, wish on stars, pray he'll be with me (anything that seemed to work before...lol). What is wrong with me? Why can't I move on...at all?
Edited 12/18/2006 8:46 pm ET by harponi98
Edited 12/18/2006 8:46 pm ET by harponi98

(((((((((Hugs to you))))))))) Oh my heart just bleeds for you right now - you are in such pain over this. The holidays just seems to magnify the intesity of our losses that much more. I haven't split with H officially yet, but come the New Year we are going our own directions.
In your case do you think that maybe you miss what you had hoped or wished your family would be instead of what it actually was? He doesn't sound like a very supportive or caring husband. You deserve someone who will be there for you when you are down. I too no longer have any family of my own and I became very close to his family. I know they want me there at Christmas but I think I will be too emotional to be able to do that. I also do not want to deny my children of that occasion with their grandparents and cousins.
Do you have a friend that you could have Christmas dinner with? I have received an invitation but I will likely feel like crying all day so I think it is best if I stay home. Realistically it is only a few hours - a few really hard hours non-the-less. Have you been to a counsellor? Ther are a few free counselling programs you might be able to try. I have found that to be really helpful. Also you mentioned that you suffer from depression - if you are on meds please be sure to keep taking them over the holidays. Try and get some rest -sleep can do wonders for depression. ((((((More hugs))))))))
Hang in there,
Rose
Oh Darling, don't put yourself down!!!
Denial? no, it would be denial if you said you don't feel anything!!! of course you are sad - when separation and divorce happens all at once, it is so painful that it's dulling!!! Your ex sounds like another manipulative SOB (hope you'll forgive the expression...) - and knowing you well, he knows exactly where to hit so to hurt you!!!
You say you are not getting your checks - lets' start there. You should let your lawyer know you are pennyless - he may be able to write a couple of letters, and get your ex moving with a bit more ... ahem ... promptness.
As for Christmas and your family in law, just do what YOU want. if you truly feel like sharing some time with your ex mom-in-law... who says you shouldn't??? "people" will be uncomfortable, namely him - but you can give a big hug to the kids' grand-parents (so you see, they're still family to you!!!!), bring them a coffee cake, wish them a wonderful wonderful Christmas. Just don't overstay, leave graciously after a bit, and a big hug to the kids. and forget he is even there!!!
Girl, you have been strong and wonderful, for yourself and for the children. No man can ever be more important than you are - yes, life alone is hard, is sometimes sad - but at times also exhilarating! it can be. It takes time to get over it, to get over sadness, to get over anger - but it does happen eventually, one day you will wake up and realize that you haven't thought about him ONCE in 24 hours. then in a week. then until the next checks comes...
My trick, is to prepare a "substitutive" thought. Whenever I used to fixate on someone - ex and his gf... - I would immediately force my imagination onto the other thoughts - sometimes it was a recipe I planned, a gorgeous actor pic (hehe that is the way to develop a crush... ), or an upcoming vacation. Even if I did not plan one, I could think up where to go, what planes to catch, what I would visit, where I would stay... Any plans for the future work well - it is a way to get myself off the obsession, and into positive thinking. Perhaps it would help you as well?