Help me please....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Help me please....
5
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:47am

My divorce will be final on March 22nd. We have been separated since June 1, 2006 but have had marriage problems much longer.

My STBX has told me that he doesn't want our kids (9 &6)around my BF until the divorce is final. I have done as he has asked so far, but I just feel like he is still controlling me. Is there any reason why I cannot have my children around my BF? It would only be to stop by and say hi or to watch a movie/dinner with him. Im just afraid that when we go back to court in March for divorce that he'll try to get full custody again.

I asked him this morning if he was OK with me bringing the kids over my BF's this weekend to watch the football game....he said he didn't want me to do it, but "do what you want".

BTW...my kids really like my BF....they know him already from before.

Please....can you guys help me!

Thanks

Kate

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:14am

Kate,

Boy . . . your post sounded exactly like what I'm going through, except that my boys don't know, and believe that they don't like my so.

My stbx has made it painfully clear that he doesn't want our kids around my so. He has custody . . . looooong story, so I have to abide by what he says. I too feel as though the control that was forced upon me during our marriage is still happening, and there isn't anything that I can do about it!!

I feel that my boys would benefit from getting to know my so. He's everything that their father isn't. Basically what I would call a "real man".

I guess at this point, the only thing that we can do is be patient. Once our divorces are final, then we really have the ability to choose who our kids are around. Yes, I believe that there will always be the chance that my stbx will make my life h*&^ for this, but, I have to move on. I know that the light is at the end of the tunnel, just can't see it clearly quite yet.

I'm glad that you took the time to post. Our cl is wonderful, and being a newbie here, I'm more than sure that you will find a huge amount of support, which is what we need right now!!

Take care, try to take it one day at a time!!

Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:49pm

Hi, Kate. It's me again ;) I remember how upset you were with your lst post related to this. I totally understand what you're going through. As my lawyer told me when I was divorcing my ex, just be very cautious about how much time your children spend around the BF for now. In other words, an occasional movie, meal, or afternoon out shouldn't be a problem. However, it sounds like you're avoiding overnights until the divorce is final, which is a good idea.

Your STBX can try to get full custody all he likes. Just because you've introduced a close "friend" of yours to them and spend some time with him doesn't mean you're an unfit mother, nor does it mean the STBX will get custody.

My lawyer was quite honest with me. She said the courts really aren't interested in being the moral police. It's a waste of their time. Unless you're harming your children or exposing them to some crazy, deviant behavior, I think you have little to worry about.

I'm happy to answer any questions! I'm trying to dig up the old e-mail my lawyer sent me about the matter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:05pm

thank you both for responding! If you could dig that up email up, I would love to hear what your lawyer said.

No, there are definatley no overnights. This would just be to stop by for an hour or so during the weekend.

I know I probably sound like a broken record because I keep posting about this, but it's eating away at me. I honestly dont see anything wrong with brining the kids near my BF, he's a wonderful man. Like i've said, im just nervous that he'll try to stall the divorce proceedings, or try to take kids away from me, etc.

I only have 2 months to go....maybe i should just hold off until then. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 1:50pm

Kate were you having an affair with your boyfriend while married?? I can see this would upset him and I don't think it changes whether you are a woman or a man having an OW/OM being involved in the children's lives and respecting that space.

Do they know your BF as a "friend" or do they know you are seeing him as your "boyfriend"

If you weren't involved in an affair, maybe it's just a respect thing, since you are still technically married maybe he'd just like you to not have him around the kids until the divorce is official. I don't know.

I don't know if it's about control or if it's about the kids, I don't know your husband, but if it's about an affair I could totally understand the feelings surrounding it. If it's not about an affair I don't know what to tell you it could be about control.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 9:26am

I know this is very hard for you. In my case, my ex basically ignored and neglected me for most of our marriage, treated me poorly, went out with random women, etc...but I was supposed to sit on my hands while he dragged our divorce out? I didn't feel he deserved to call the shots about who I could see and when after the abuse I tolerated. Here is the section from the e-mail my lawyer sent me. I had asked her about my BF at the time (we did not get together until after the separation....we're married now):

**********************************
In regard to your ex-marital relationship, please note that although you are
living separate and apart, you are still legally married. Thus, anything which
is currently happening is technically adulterous. However, at this time, the
Court puts very little weight on these relationships. They understand that at
this time and under these circumstances, the extra-marital relationship reflects
a relationship that is already irreparably broken and does not reflect the cause
of the breakdown.

Please let me know if you need anything else....or feel free to e-mail me.