HELP - MY LIFE IS FALLING APART

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2012
HELP - MY LIFE IS FALLING APART
6
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 2:28pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 12:36pm
Lol, my first thought was actually that he sounds like a total douche bag, but I do know that a lot of men can't stand to be alone, want their wives around all the time, and feel very unloved, lonely, and insecure when they are married to strong, successful women. Sadly, many men seem to respond to those feelings by acting like bullies, name calling, threatening, and generally being either verbally or physically abusive. This man sounds extremely immature and spoiled, to be honest. Some men can sit down with their wives and a therapist and learn how to communicate and act like a reasonable adult, many can't. If nothing else, you are giving both of you a chance to at least try, so that one day you won't feel like you just gave up and didn't make an effort. It may sound stupid to bother just so you don't feel guilty later, but it really helped me, because I KNOW I did everything I could to make things work, but it wasn't possible. Sometimes the goal of therapy isn't to cure a problem, you know? It can help you see what is wrong with your relationship so you don't make the same mistakes again. Talking to a divorce lawyer can help, too, so you at least know what your options are on both sides, whether you chose to stay and work on it or end your marriage. Knowledge is a powerful thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 11:48am

I agree with several PP that counseling is probably not going to do much good as the OP is also on MAS talking about her Mr. X.

At first I didn't want to end my M- because I'm the kind of person who likes her cake and wants to eat it too but I've been giving it a lot of thought and I'm just being so selfish. Like what about my H? It's just so unfair to him that I have one foot out the door all the time. I'm just terrified of being alone, I'm terrified that one day I'm going to wake up old and alone and he'll be happily remarried living in the suburbs somewhere with a white picket fence and I'll regret my decision to leave him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Sat, 10-20-2012 - 11:30am

My DH has a job that requires that he travels a lot.  There are months he is gone 90% of the time, and projects that have him traveling over the weekends as well.  In the last 2 months he has been gone about 95% of the time.  This is actually the first full weekend he has been home in over a month.

Im not exactly thrilled with his travel schedule, but we make it work.  And the reason I don't complain about his job, is because he LOVES his job and is happy.

He in turn does his best, to be there for me when he is home.  We travel together every few months (he flies my Mom or his Dad in to watch the kids for us) and we take a long weekend for ourselves. 

He encourages me to go out with my friends, when I can.  And even sets up to have a babysitter come in, if he is not home.

And when he is home, he too is free to go to his martial arts classes or go hang with his buddies.

And I am fully aware that we have several years of this type of lifestyle ahead of us.  But, the time we do have together is always good. 

I will be honest, I don't think counseling would be beneficial in this situation.  Your DH sounds like he is an abusive personality, and given that you have a travel job, his behavior has escalated to accomodate the time he is not able to control you. 

I do agree with Musiclover.  You are only 26, you have a great deal of opportunity ahead of you.  And you have a great career that you love.

If it were me in your shoes, I would be contacting divorce attornies and getting an idea of what to expect.  You may actually be surprised at just how comforting knowing what to expect, if you do decide to divorce, can be.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 11:50pm

"Quit your job" and "I never would have married you if I knew that this was what I was in for"  Clearly he is very resentful of your frequent traveling and being away so much. So he isn't being supportive of your career because of his resentment and I don't see this changing as long as you continue to travel so much for your job. And by the way he speaks to you, he sounds like he is too immature and insecure to handle this frequent travel situation. Question is did either one of you have any idea when you got married that you may end up in a job like this, if so was it discussed ? I ask because people do go into a marriage with certain expectations, and when those expectations change suddenly it can cause big problems for the couple. I can see both sides of this. You feel that he's not being supportive of your career, while he feels like having a wife that's gone so much is not what he signed up for. One thing I do know is that men don't do so well at being alone. A lot of them are real babies when it comes to not having a woman around to take care of them. You could try counseling, but in this situation I honestly don't see it helping too much. I think it's going to come down to you choosing between your job or your marriage. Would you consider looking for a job that would keep you at home to save your marriage? If not I don't see this siuation improving much. And don't worry about being alone cause at your age your WAY too young to worry about that now. Believe me you'll have plenty of opportunities down the road. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 7:46pm

Well I guess Mcpayton is much nicer than I am.  I'd say it's one thing if he just complained about your job, but the name calling and jealousy to me is abusive and unless he just gets a personality change, I doubt he is going to change that.  Did he show these jealous tendencies before or just when you started the traveling job?  It's ridiculous cause if you worked in the home town all the time & wanted to cheat, you could still do that.

I don't think a 26 yr old woman should be afraid of being a lonely spinster--you are still very young and you have plenty of time to find someone else.  It's terrible to stay in a bad marriage just cause you're afraid of being alone.  You certainly won't be able to find someone better if you stay married to him.  My 2nd DH was emotionally abusive (in different ways) to me and even though I have been alone since the divorce (and I'm much older than you) it's still better than being in the bad marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Fri, 10-19-2012 - 2:46pm

I think there are a lot of different things going on here, and before you decide to divorce, you and your husband should try marriage councelling.  It sounds like he is lonely with you gone so much, and perhaps that's what's making him so insecure as well.  Added to that is the fact that both of you are pretty young and haven't learned to really communicate well with each other.  If nothing else, therapy with both of you there will help you decide together if there is something worth saving.  If he won't go with you, you should go alone so you can figure out how you are really feeling.  It may be as simple as changing how you talk to each other or making dates set in stone with each other so he feels like he is a priority in your life.  It's hard to be the one home alone when your spouse is travelling for work, and when you are the one travelling, it's hard to come home and be accountable to someone else.  BTW, at 26 you have nothing to worry about as far as being an old spinster goes!  Being alone isn't the worst thing that could happen to you and you shouldn't stay married ONLY to avoid growing old alone.  Love and marriage take a lot of work, but if you DO love your husband, it's worth it to commit to working on your relationship with as much effort as you put into your career.  Good luck, and let us know how it goes.