Help my mom?
Find a Conversation
Help my mom?
| Thu, 11-02-2006 - 3:20pm |
Hello everyone. I need some advice and I'm really not sure where to go for it, so I thought this would be an okay place to start. My parents were married for 24 years, and my father left my mom this past July, 2006. He moved out while my mom and my sister and I were out of town. Since then, it has been extremely hard on all of us, especially on my mom. I offered to take the semester off from college to stay home and help my mom (I go to college only 20 minutes from our home), but my mom insisted that I go back to school. I'm trying to deal with my parents' pending divorce in my own way - I love my dad very much and he knows how much I despise what he did, but I still love him. And the hard thing is, at the moment he is much happier. But my mother is miserable. And whenever we talk, even if it's not about my dad at all, she always brings it around to my dad, and always says this isn't what she wanted and she doesn't know what to do. I am by nature a problem solver, and I have tried to help her in every way possible. She says she feels alone, and she has no one, because no one other than her thinks it is the best thing for my dad to come back. She doesn't want to talk to her family, and the friends that she has, she doesn't like being around because they are couples. She doesn't want to go to a divorce care group at our church because she hates thinking about what she's going through - but she can't stop thinking about it. My sister still lives at home with my mom and she isn't even speaking to my dad. On top of all that, there are a ton of financial issues. If you've continued reading this far, thank you so much and I'm sorry to be so wordy. But I really just don't know what to do anymore. I understand that my mom needs my support, but I really just don't know how. I don't want her to feel alone, but I don't feel like I can be her confidante on this. I'm trying to deal with my parents' separation, in addition to applying to professional school, handling my classes and two jobs, and dealing with everyday roommate/relationship/life stresses. I want to help my mom however I can, but I don't know what to do. Maybe someone who has been through this (and I'm really so sorry if you have.. I know how hard it is) can suggest what they wanted people to do for them, or someone who has been in my position can offer me some advice. Thank you so much.

You cannot be your mother's confidante. You cannot solve all of the problems of the world or your mother's. You must understand that the situation was not caused by you and this is something your mother and father must work out themselves. The best you can do is show love to your mother and father. You must live your own life and the best thing you can do for your future is stick with school and get your degree. Your grades may slip a little because of all that is going on but as I see it, grades are not the most important thing in life. You need to get that piece of paper.
No matter what you do for your mother, this is going to be a very painful time for her and she must work through it in her own way. All you can do is talk to her on a daily basis, offer encouragement and tell her you love her.
I wish you, your sister and your parents all the luck in the world and I will say a prayer for all of you.
First and foremost, stay as uninvolved as possible. And don't choose a side (like your sister has). Taking sides in this kind of a conflict may carry life-long consequences. If one of your parents is forcing you to take sides, they are abusing you.
There are details of your parent's marriage that you are simply unaware of. In addition, it seems like both you and your sister are closer to your mother. Therefore, you already have a biased version of the situation - predominantly your mother's.
Maybe your father is an awful man who abused your mother for years. Maybe your mother was an awful woman who abused your father for years. Who knows? (For example, when I was married, by ex-wife would wait for me to fall asleep and then beat me in the chest and stomach. Our kids never had any idea that their perfect and sweet mommy was beating the crap out of daddy!)
Encourage your mother to talk to friends, support groups, a councelor, a ministrer/priest. Encourage your father to do the same. These are productive and healthy things to do. If they refuse, that's their choice.
They are both grown adults and should be functioning on their own!
In the same vein, you should not put your life on hold. That's not healthy for you.
Good luck and keep in touch.
Hi Tar,
Welcome to Surviving Divorce. My prayers are with your mother. She's suffered a terrible rejection and one that seemed to be delivered in the worst way possible, i.e. coming home to find her husband had packed up and left. I'm sorry your father didn't have the courage to tell her he wanted out before he went out the door.
Kudos to you for wanting to help your mom. It's hard to see those we love when they suffer like this. How well I know this feeling when my own mother suffered after my father died 25 years ago. You want them to DO SOMETHING!
The best thing you can do right now is just "be there" for her. That is, listen when she needs someone to listen, offer comfort, and encouragement. Don't push. She's in a state of shock and denial right now, so that's probably why she doesn't want to go to a group. She's not ready yet. What I'd be more concerned about at this point is that she gets good legal advice so she can deal with the practical realities of a possible divorce. You can help her there by asking around for a referral to a well qualified divorce attorney. You might even help her make an appointment and accompany her for her first consultation. Take notes for her and help her with her questions.
In the meantime, as hard as it is, she's right to tell you to focus on YOUR future. Do your best to keep your mind on your studies and all the day-to-day things that life brings us. If you feel the need to talk to someone like a pastor, or friend, do so. A parents divorce is
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Tarheelbaby, your posting broke my heart.
I am a husband that after 25 years filed for a divorce my wife still says she doesn't want. And I have a lovely, bright daughter just like you that I love more than life itself. In my case, there was plenty of notice over many years, but so much in our circumstances is similar.
My word to you (and my own daughter) is this: none of this is your fault. There is nothing you did or could have done that would have changed what went wrong between your parents. None of it is stuff you can fix now. The important thing to me is that you know that,that you go on and live your own life, make the most of your education, learn from what your mom is going through that life has no guarantees attached. As a woman, be in a position so that your relationships can stand (God willing) on their own without you being dependent financially.
Your mom's unwillingness to participate in a support group is VERY unhealthy for her. It indicates that she is more concerned about appearances than the reality of her own life and needs. That attitude may very well have contributed to the breakdown of her marriage, as it certainly did mine. BUT after you gently encourage her, there isn't much you can do.
What your mom and dad both need is your unqualified love. You cannot be a counsellor or advisor to either of them. They need you to be a daughter, not a parent.
You will never know the details as to why their relationship broke down, and believe me, you are likely better for not knowing too much. The prior posting about unknown spouse abuse might be an extreme case, but things do happen for a reason, and I have learned over the years that things in relationships between people are rarely as they appear to those on the outside.
The prior posting about taking sides and your sister's position in this is correct. She has heard only one side, and there are three--your mom's, your dad's, and the truth. Not that anyone is lying, but that each filters through their own point of view. There is plenty of blame to spread around, but doing so is utterly unprofitable for your mom and dad and for your sister to add to it is damaging not just to your dad, but to herself and even your mom.
You are so wise to not take sides. Your life will be so much richer for it. Just don't allow yourself to be drawn in to somehow being a mediator or an arbiter. Live your life, make the most of yourself, enjoy your mom and your dad together if they can be civil, separately if they cannot. Give them each room to be wrong if they are wrong and to feel what they feel. Your being fully in each of their lives loving them will enable them to do and be what they must.
You must excuse me for being emotional as I write this, but your love for your folks permeates your letters and reminds me so much of my own daughter. Bless you; be happy.
Rediscovering