help need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
help need support
2
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:13pm
I need to get this out. I have been either dating or married to my husband for 20 years. Slowly, bit by bit, my life revolved around him and our two wonderful children. My mother died two years ago and my sisters' moved far away. My best friend moved to the other side of America. Because of my busy schedule (My husband has been "looking" for work for three years, so I work 60-80 hours a week) I have not had any time to talk to other friends. Yesterday I found out that my husband has been posting personal ads looking for "friends with benefits". Goodness knows if he found any as he is denying it, but erased all traces of it from my computer (yes he used my computer and not his to do so). The reason I looked at his account on my computer was because I was doing rountine maintanence on it and came across alot of porno sites on his account. They dealt with either teenagers or mothers and sons. I was interested in the mothers and sons because him and his mother talk at least 4 times a day and he is over to her house at least 4-5 days a week. Now we have been having problems for a while. In fact, we are in a troubled marriage support group. What was my biggest complaint before was the amount of time he spent with his mother and that he treated her way better than me. He of course tells her everything I say so she hates me.
A few months ago I spoke with a divorce lawyer. Lets face it, because he is not working we are very far behind on our bills. I spoke to a divorce lawyer after finding out that he was paying his credit card bills but not mine for a long, long time (using my money). But as I have known the man for over 20 years I believed the crock of BS he gave me when I approached him about this (I should have known because with my crazy work schedule his mother was helping him decide how to pay the bills). Well they are still not being paid and I am farther into debt with no one to ask for money and no way to pay a lawyer to file for divorce.
Furthermore another reason I spoke with a divorce lawyer months ago was because under his breath I heard my husband call me "a bad mother" due to the work schedule I keep. Well before my husband decided take a 3 year vacation I only worked part time in order to be home with the kids. Recently I altered my work schedule so I can see my children more. I have a feeling he and his mother (who conviently kicked out her tenants in her apartment above her) will be trying for cusody. A fierce battle to be had and the kids will be the ones that suffer. As a matter of fact they are over at her house now.
Also, the attorney I spoke to states that I may have to pay him spousal support.
I need help and support!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 10:28pm

If he is "employable" but not working to his full potential... and you're in a position to where you have to work all those hours to try and make ends meet with the family bills, he'll be barking up a hollow tree.


If you're already in debt... what's a little more debt to an attorney to get you out of this mess and back on your feet... and even if you have to start over with nothing buy your kids and your job.... it will be worth it!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 9:00am

Hi, and welcome!


Yes, I have seen many instances where the working wife has to pay the non-working H some spousal support. BUT...it is normally only very temporary. Basically, the judges in family court want to see everyone gainfully employed, if at all possible.


Unfortunately, sometimes, we have to take a big financial hit in order to get out of our unhappy marriages. And I will tell you, in the end, Karen is right, it is worth it.