Help needed badly!!!!! And fast!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Help needed badly!!!!! And fast!
5
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 2:44pm
I'm 25 years old....married for 3.5 years. Together 7. My mom is my best friend and she is out of the country right now, so I'm turning to this board for some unbiased advice and support.
My husband and I have had long term problems in our marriage that have been lying under the surface for a long time. The have surfaced and things are bad. Coupled with the fact that he has had other women that I believe wanted him but cannot proved anything was acted upon.
That brings me to today. Last night, I found him online in a dating service/chat service looking at women's profiles. This was all on the interent history. So this morning I got up, checked again, and sure enough he was chatting until 2am this morning with a young women from his work who is 19 and has a child. She has been emailing, calling and im's for the past few weeks. Whenever I ask, I get the it's work related schpeal. I looked at my husbands profile and he listed himself as single. I'm hurt, somewhat devistated and pissed beyond words.
I don't have any friends that are not his friends and not at my work which I don't want involved. My mom is out of the country until Saturday. I need some advice. I know in my heart it is over and I cannot trust him or put up with this crap anymore.
I printed out everything I found. I want to go home and stuff it in his face and yell and scream and in general throw a huge fit. Not sure that's the smartest idea.
I've contacted an attorney who has not gotten back to me yet. And I'm headed to the bank after work to take out half of our money in case he decides to run.
Please HELP!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 3:06pm
Ok, taking 1/2 the money is usually fine, yelling and screaming may feel good at the moment but won't really help anything. Yelling and screaming in your car is a good way to get a release. Starting a journal is also a very good idea. I hate the idea of journaling, but if I do it like I'm typing a letter to the person (a letter I won't send) I am motivated to do that. Just don't send the letter. You are writing it to get it out that is all. He knows what he's done. He might think he can do it and keep you to, but that is where he's wrong. Vent to us, vent to your mother when she gets back. But with him, you need to work towards all business. If it's over, it's over. No need to tell him things he already knows OR let him know how hurt and upset you are. Also, people will eventually get sick of me saying this, but therapy is an excellent way to help you through a divorce. Think of the therapist as your own personal, experienced, well trained, professional advisor who will give you 100% focused, unbiased attention for 50 minutes at a time.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 10:42pm

Oh boy......


Well, I think you have every right to be angry. You also have every right to want to scream and yell. I do agree with firstamendment in that yelling and telling him things he already knows NEVER solves anything. He will either run or get more angry and who needs a brawl when springtime is upon us ;) ( trying to make you smile, did it work???? )


Now, taking half the money is a good idea, but you have to know that he will find out. You have to be ready for an explaination that WILL NOT include yelling and screaming, no matter how much he yells. Stay calm and cool and "matter of fact"


Talking to an attorney is also a good idea. He is obviously not happy with something. It is probably his own unhappiness with him and he feels the need to find someone else to make him happy.


You do need to confront this as soon as you can get things together. My idea is talk to an attorney, know your rights and start planning for your future.


Good luck to you and please keep us updated.


Hugs,


Angelena



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 04-07-2005 - 11:04pm

Goodness...this is a mess for you! You've come to the right place to vent and get some unbiased opinions though.

You know, most of us have been there, and it hurts terribly bad. I feel for you in this situation. I confronted my ex...yes...by screaming and yelling and letting him know how much he had hurt and betrayed me. All I got from it was a sore throat, the feeling that nothing was resolved, and getting more lies from my ex. He knew what he had done, he knew that it would hurt me, yet, he continued to do it. I have come to the realization, that I was so angry b/c i still cared and loved him, and just couldn't understand why he couldn't give me the same in return. I am now at a semi-peace with things, so to speak. I no longer care about the things that he did to me....I'm more concerned with taking care of my daughter and myself.

However, I know that the things that were going on wasn't my fault. I didn't cause him to cheat, to go to online dating services, etc. It was and is his problem. You need to remember that too. This is not your fault and you in no way caused this!

(BTW, I too went and emptied out the joint checking account when he left. Even though there was only $350 in it, he was still very angry. He had put that money aside to go and have a good time on, and I had to pay the bills. But, it was in both our names, and I was just as entitled to it. I'm not saying to go and empty it out...just letting you know that it could cause some turmoil.)

Love is about repect and trust for one another, along with many other things. If you don't have trust, what do you have? I agree with the previous posts as well. Therapy can help a great deal. Just being able to get everything out in the open to someone who is willing to listen and help can be a life savor.

Take some time to yourself...cry, grieve, talk to someone you're close too....but just think about things. I am truly sorry for what is going on in your life and marriage! I hope everything works out for the best for you!

Best of luck.....lots of hugs
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 11:25am

If it's work related..... why's he doing it secretly?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 11:34am

I understand how you feel completely! My STBX is on 2 dating websites, pictures and all. He lists himself as divorced and not living with his child. Yet, he won't get out of the house.

I would suggest documenting everything!! Find an attorney that will call you back and go from there. Whatever you have printed from the computer, put it in a safe spot so he can not find it and destroy it. I wouldn't suggest confronting him, it will just make things worse for you. For the 5 min that you yell at him, you feel great, but he will continue to go online and do his thing and you will just feel miserable. Don't give him that power. Whatever you do protect yourself first!