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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:31am |
Hi.
I've been reading through some of the posts, and thought maybe I would join in. I have decided that it's time to take the big leap and ask dh to separate and divorce. I'm scared, excited, depressed, and I don't know what to do.
To explain, we've been married nearly 13 years. It hasn't been awful, but despite some bright moments, it hasn't been great either. We're more like "friends with benefits" than husband and wife. My husband is a good person, but very apperance oriented. We were young when we got married, and in fairly good shape, but not perfect in any way. Well, after two children, I wasn't in that same shape anymore. While I wasn't happy with that, I also wasn't really upset and while I still work out, my focus was/is on my children. Well, all I heard all of the time was that I was fat, he wasn't attracted to me, but then things would seem to even out. But that was always there, and still is.
Well, it really came to a boil in December '05. He had been in training for 6 weeks in another state, and while it wasn't that far away, he never came home. I didn't care so much for me, but the kids really missed him. Actually, it was nice being able to do what we wanted to do without hearing him complain about the activities for the kids, watching movies he didn't like, that type of thing. That last week was harder because even though it was never said, we had gotten used to him not being there. When he came home, we had a long talk, after an afternoon of him blowing up because I didn't care for the music he liked. During this talk he told me that he actually dreaded coming home. He said that he loved me, and cared about me, but wasn't "in love" with me. He also said he was disappointed that I hadn't lost more weight while he was gone. All of that tore me apart, I was devestated. I asked if he had an affair, and he said no, but I still have doubts (story for another time).
We also discussed that he felt I wasn't being emotional enough, that I never reached out for him. I explained that he had pulled away from me so much, that I just stopped trying. Our sex life had been fine, but outside of that there just wasn't any passion. Again, we were friends with benefits.
We've had several discussions since then, but not touched on that actual discussion. He has been more demonstrative with affection, but to the point that I feel like it isn't real. I've tried to do more, but I honestly just don't want to anymore. I don't want my beautiful daughters growing up thinking this is how they should expect to be treated, that their appearance is what matters (he's also critical of them).
I have friends I've run into who make comments that I used to be so happy, full of life and confident, and that person is gone. One friend is a nurse who said if I were her patient, she would have reported me for abuse, as I exhibited the signs of emotional abuse. But, I am starting to feel like my old self since I've decided this is the course I want to take (why is it so hard to actually say divorce?).
I'm at the very beginning of this whole separation/divorce process, and I don't know what to do. No one in my family has been the "divorcer", and I'm scared to be the first. I'm scared of his reaction, and I'm scared of what this is going to do to my girls. We always discussed this would be amicable if it came to it, but I just don't think it will happen that way. I plan to bring it up tonight, but I physically sick thinking about it.
I guess I'm just looking for encouragement. The board has been good for me, being able to see I'm not the only one.
Thanks for listening to my rant, and I'd appreciate any advice.
WildCardFan

Wow! I could have written your post. You are obviously at a crossroads in your life. You know things can’t continue as they have. It is scary to make the final decision to divorce. I am the only person in all of my family to divorce. It did bother me, but my family was very supportive. I did it 3 years ago, and I have not regretted it for one minute. I hated the person I had become during 15 years of marriage to a habitual cheater. I was bitter from years of lies and broken promises.
My ex-husband was also emotionally abusive. He was unhappy with my weight after 2 children and he let me know it. Yet, he gained 70 pounds during our marriage. He was full of double standards. I felt like I was a huge disappointment to him.
My ex also said he “loved and cared about me, but was not in love with me”. He told me this in our marriage counseling session. JERK! I suspected if he was not “in love” with me he must be “in love” with someone else. Turns out I was right. It was the final straw in our miserable marriage. I put up with way too much for way too long. I was not going to let my children think this was how a marriage should be. He had no respect for me as his wife.
I know the prospect of raising 2 children alone is scary. Trust me, everything will work out and you will be much better off. Good luck!
Hello, and welcome! We're glad you decided to jump in and join us.
It sounds like you have made up your mind about wanting a divorce. Just remind yourself that you are worth SO much more than being treated like a second-class citizen because you're not a size 0 anymore. You mentioned that other people have noticed that you've lost your zest for life. After my STBX and I separated, I can not tell you how many people said I sounded happier than I ever had before. The weight of an unhappy marriage can really crush your spirit.
I know you're scared. Facing divorce is scary, even if you're the one that initiates it. If you come up with a plan and timeline, it may be less daunting for you. Plan on assessing your financial situation, thinking about living arrangements, child support, speaking with a lawyer, et. I would say the best first step you can take is to see an attorney. That may answer a lot of questions for you and ease some of your fears.
Let us know how your discussion goes tonight.