Help Please!!! I am so screwed up by ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Help Please!!! I am so screwed up by ex
5
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 10:53pm

Dear all!! Do you have any advice for me, please? I am such a loser: I got played by my ex and did not behave very well and now so pissed off at myself!

I've been separated for almost 3 years going through this never-ending court battle with my ex. He was abusive, controlling, manipulative and during separation was abusing court procedures, didn't pay any child support and fought me for everything and anything. My legal fees are jumping off the roof, because he got himself a lawyer girlfriend who is bombarding me with the procedures that he doesn't have to pay for. I've been taking care of our 2 young kids, 6 and 4, on my own ever since we separated.
2 weeks ago my lawyer finally managed to seize his money (profit from his recently sold rental property into which he put all his money, including the one that he stold from me) for the child support he owes for over 3 years;. He showed up at my house a week later, telling me that he still loves me and wants to reconciliate;. Stupid me, I believed him, hoping that by improving our communication it will make the divorce smoother;. So like an idiot, I signed a release on that seizure and advised my lawyer to put legal stuff on hold;. 2 days later, I caught him still talking to his girlfriend, when I confronted him, he rolled his eyes, told me that I "didn't change" and that he cant' do it anymore and that the break-up of our marriage is all my fault;. He left ( with the money) and now is gone to Dominican Republic to build himself a villa;. He told me laughing at my face that I cannot do anything to him now that he hid all his assets in the DR, where he plans to relocate as soon as he divorces me;. He said that he never wanted to reconciliate and all he dreams about is to get the final divorce.

I am so pissed off at myself, so angry with myself. When I heard that, I lost my temper and started yelling at him over the phone, and now I am really not proud of my behaviour.

I am now starting to believe that it was all my fault, that I am just a stupid, insecure woman who broke her marriage because I was yelling at him ( during our marriage). I know that from my angry email, you may get this impression of me. I was not happy in this marriage, I think that he never really loved me, he was violent with me, controlled me financially, emotionally, put me down, made me think that I am a dirty slut just because I was not a virgin when we got married.
I also think that I am so upset because I feel like he moved on and I am not: I've been taking care of our 2 young children all by myself, while he was travelling around the world to discover himself. I work full-time, care for the kids - I don't have time to get myself a new boyfriend, nor I had a desire to date like he did! I felt so vulnerable and lonely when he showed up so I really wanted to believe that someone there loves me.
All my friends just shook their heads and said: How many times do you need to be slapped in the face before you understand?" My lawyer said that he had no other choice, but "to get me into his bed" ( I guess she was pissed off at me too, because I just threw away with one signature all her hard work - and she is right).

All 2 years of my therapy were just thrown away by these mere 3 days of false love...

How can I stop being such a loser? What should I do? I would appreciate any advice from you all, and I thank you in advance for all your feedback, even the most brutal one.

Love,
Marina

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 7:59am

Marina...

First...Pianoguy would like you to CALM DOWN! You'll end up with a hemorrage if you don't!

While I can't address every issue you've described, here are a few suggestions:

1. Get to your lawyer and tell him you want ALL THE MONEY THAT'S DUE RIGHT NOW!

2. If you've had the same lawyer (or legal advisor) for the past 3 years...FIRE HIM (or HER) and find somebody more competent who can resolve your problems a lot quicker! Your EX has been stalling you...because he knows this can make you VERY UPSET! Don't give him the satisfaction of doing this any longer! A more competent, interested lawyer will cut to the chase and prevent your EX from pulling any more crap!

3. Start standing up for yourself and your children! Don't believe any more of the lies or excuses you'll get from the EX! They're crap!

4. You can't change whatever events have happened in the past...SO STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM! Focus your head on your present and your future instead.

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:36am

marina

i want you to walk over to the mirror, and look yourself in the eye, and repeat:
I am a strong, smart, beautiful woman. I am not a loser. I am not stupid. I believed him because I wanted to do whatever I could to keep my family intact. i did not lie or cheat. (insert your ex's name) is the loser. he is the one who walked out on his family, who lied, who prostituted himself just to gain some more money and steal it from his family, his kids.

I agree with PG that you need to step up, stand up tall, and take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself and your family. your lawyer said somethign to you that (while it may have been understandable) is totally outta line.

three years of therapy are not down the drain. call your therapist and get some more help.

hang in there - we all make choices that seem, at the time, to be the right choice. sometimes it is, sometimes its not. don't waste any more time or energy dwelling on what you did, because you can't change the past. all you can do is look forward from this point on.

and we are all here for you.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:24am
You are not a loser. He is. His treatment of you makes him as close to inhumane as possible. You need to be strong. Some of the hardest things for me to grasp was that my one time provider and protector was now being so cruel and trying to hurt me as much as he could. Talk to your lawyer, make sure that you are as prepared as you can be. And take some time for yourself to build your self esteem up. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. It is not a bad thing to trust. Just trusting the wrong people!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:11am
Marina, Marina Marina!!!!
"In the Meantime" by her most awesome self "ILYANA VANZANT". GET THIS BOOK NOW!!!!!
Learn how to love yourself and everything else will fall into place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:59am
That's my favorite author... and my favorite book.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~