Help & Support Needed Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
Help & Support Needed Please
9
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 1:12pm
Hi Girls, I can't go into the sordid details of my marriage (12 years),seperation(1.5 years) and filing for divorce (jan 05), so here it is in a nutshell. During the seperation we still lived as a family relying on each other and doing things together, speaking daily just living in different households. I was waiting for him to realize his responsibilities and for him to turn into the man I wanted him to be and that never happened. He is self centered, manipulative and irresponsible. Our marriage was not good, there were very few good times together, he always did his own thing and just threw us the scraps so to speak. In fact, during our seperation we got along better but never sought counseling. I always kenw it was over and for the best, but I couldn't let go. He would say he would change but his actions proved otherwise. So onto my questions and the things that have had me in crying bouts all week; can someone please tell me why now that he is dating and sleeping with someone from his work kills me? I feel so cheated and betrayed. I feel ike this has been going on for some time, and who knows the truth. He says I drove him to it and I am so tired of feeling this way, awful. I really don't even want him anymore, I really don't think i do. I know I did the right thing for me and the kids when I left. But I had in my mind that we were goinng to start over after the divorce. This because he was still planning things for us together in the future. So, please if there are any words of advice on how to over this chapter as quickly as possible I would be grateful. My heart hurts and I don't know if I should face these feelings and try to understand them or should I block them from my mind? Looking forward to hearing your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 2:48pm

Your feelings are totally normal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 5:32pm

You know, I have always strived to treat others with the same dignity and respect that I want to be treated with. It just baffles me that others can't at least try and be the same. To this day, I still try and treat my ex the same, even though he always throws words and phrases at me that hurt so badly.

Time heals all wounds. It may take a short while or it may take a long while, but eventually, your pain will subside. I know that it is unfair. I still held on to the possiblity that my ex and I would somehow work it out, even after the divorce. I have just now come to the realization that I don't want him back in my life; the relationship wasn't good or healthy for me.

You in no way could have drove him to cheating. I agree with the previous post. This has everything to do with him and how he feels about himself. He made the decision to be with someone else on his own accord. You didn't force him to go after another woman...he did that on his own.

Being sad and angry is very normal. If you need to cry, then cry. Sometimes that's the best way of releasing everything you feel inside. Just know that one day it will all be better....

Best of luck.....lots of hugs,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:09pm

i was and am just getting over having the same situation as you. i was married for 11 years and have two great kids. we only had about five good years. well, we split up in july and i just found out he has had a girlfriend. i was fine when we split up -- meaning i was able to function. i cried on and off. i was really sad for the kids, but for me, i knew it was for the best. actually, for the kids i knew it was for the best too. after a couple of months, there was so suddenly no tension and a lot more laughter around here. we are all in tuned with each other and life was just getting better. suddenly, after he told me he wanted the kids to meet this woman he was seeing -- in an e-mail at the same time he told me there was someone -- i became very upset. lots of crying, lots of depression, simple craziness. couldn't concentrate (i'm a student now). and the wierd thing is i don't love him and i don't even respect him. i'm thinking that all those years are a big chunk of time and a lot of major things -- like kids -- took place i started seeing a therapist two weeks into it (i'm 7 wks into it now) and she said it's all normal and a part of the process. so, i give that to you. i'm seven weeks in now and i do feel so much better. maybe it's the finality. even though you know it's over -- it's really not over until it's over.

i hope you feel better real soon. maybe you should try a therapist too. can only help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 10:12pm
You are so right, our situations reflect each other. Thank you for your words of encouragement, I feel better tonight than I did this morning. I am blocking it from my head and trying to move on. It hasn't even been a week since I found out about him and her. I am told it is his way of hurting me,but it doesn't matter what the reasons are anymore. I finally did see a therapist too, just in time, it was the day I found out, what a conincidence. I will be going once a week and I really want to work through these feelings. I don't want the b******, I want to move on with my life and have a healthy loving relationship with someone else. For now, I will look after me and my kids. I have done well so far and I am trying to see this as a stumbling block which I am going to climb, crawl, or drag myself over! Thank you all again for your support. It really does help to have someone who has been there, and these boards are great! I hope everyone has a wonderful week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 10:36pm
I was reading your post and I was thinking of something else as well. Maybe seeing your x with a new women brings out the old feelings of what the marriage could have been and the man he could have been. Every relationship I think brings with it the idealism of the perfect person and connection and the reality of it. So maybe the thought of him with another woman just reminded you of the man you think he could have been. But as I said, that was the fantasy, the reality is different.
Also please don't forget that men and women are different. (So apparent to me after reading the book "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.") This is not to excuse him being with someone else so soon after, but maybe it is really true that men and women see sex from a different perspective, and you would not necessarily jump into things as quickly as he did. The fact that it happened might not have any bearing on the real feelings he keeps inside. But it's good that you left him. It did not sound like a healthy relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 11:53pm

>>>He is self centered, manipulative and irresponsible.<<<

This sentence says it all. He is this way and he's always been this way. You had hoped and expected that somehow with the right mix of things he would turn out to be different, perhaps caring about others, being your partner and taking responsibility for his actions. But he hasn't and he never will, because the things that make him act self centered, manipulative and irresponsible are part of who he is and can't be changed. Even though you know this, I don't think you truly expect him to always be like this, and that is why you are shocked and hurt at him being with someone else.

You did not drive him into someone else's arms. He was always headed there. He said that to blame you and make you responsible for his actions, a common trait of the irresponsible person.

The man you want will already be caring, generous and responsible before he even meets you. He will take care of his obligations, manage his life and show his heart. His actions and his words will be consistent. That is what you want to look for in a man.

I know it's hard to let your husband go but one day you will look back on this and realize the pain you are going through is 100% worth it, because it's how you are going to become free of this heartless, uncaring man you've been stuck with.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:46am

carla-
I think many of us in the process of separation/divorce, although we've been saying that it's over, find ourselves one day realizing that it really, truly, no going back, is over. When you reach that point, it's natural for feelings of grief and loss to emerge. You've said it's not him that you miss, that you don't want him back. So maybe what you're feeling is the grief over the loss of the future you dreamed of having with him.

<>
Feelings are a normal, natural part of being human. I used to block my feelings to make life easier (don't rock the boat) in my past, and I found after a while I became less "me" because of it. Now, I try to acknowledge and understand the things I'm feeling, and don't deny myself the right to have feelings. I'm the most content with myself that I've ever been. I think you should accept and acknowledge your feelings. Write them down in a journal-the good, the bad, the ugly. Getting them out of your system is a lot healthier than burying them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 10:15am

Maureenmommy used a great word.... replaced. I think that is most of what makes me cringe at the thought of the OW. My ex left me when I was 4 months pregnant with out second child for someone 19 years old and she worked with him. I "knew" that it went on before that but was blind to it I guess, my ex planned our future too, we were looking at houses and we planned this baby. Once he left and shortly after that I found out about her, I was devistated.


I think it does a lot when we expect things. My ex played me like a food for months after he left. He told me "lets start over" " I don't want a

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:30am
I thought I would share an update with you. I really do want to thank everyone for the support given here, it is so valuable! I went to work yesterday morning and stayed busy all day. I did some venting on what an ass my STBX is and I will tell you, I got through the day without a tear. I thought about him and her together, but then thought, good riddance it is for the best. I am proud of myself I moved through the the day productively and had very little contact with him, aside from a quick phone to call to arrange a pick up of the kids and then the actual drop off at my house. I made it short and sweet and just dismissed him. My goal is to not let him see me upset and I think i got it now! Pray for me! Thank you again for all the words of encouragement. I wish you all a great day!