Help to tell 5yr old about separation

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Help to tell 5yr old about separation
8
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 2:58pm
First time I write, so I apologize for the long message.
My husband of 8 yrs (together 14 yrs, since we were 17 yrs old) has just blindsided me by telling me he doesn't love me anymore and is leaving me. We were the perfect couple, and no one saw this coming. I was completely happy in every way. He was not, I am just learning. This happened 4 days ago. He is already trying to talk to me about selling the house. He was unfaithful, so everyone is telling me to kick him out, and honestly the stress of having him around is unbearable. I was originally going to try and stay in the same house for awhile, but cannot. My stress, sadness and anxiety is only worsened by his presence. My biggest fear is that we have a 5yr old son, and I don't know what to tell him. I know it will be quite some time before we actually sell the house (I am building up the strength to tell him he has to wait until I am ready), and really separate, so I don't want to tell my son anything too early. I think that once I get emotionally stable, I may let my husband come back home to help me while we are trying to sell the house. Can I tell him a white lie that Daddy needs to stay with Grandma (or whoever) for awhile to help her out? I know my husband will still be an amazing dad, and come and spend time with him, so he might not be too affected by separation. I just feel that if I am honest with my little guy right now, he and I will both suffer because he will be sad and will constantly be asking questions. I know that time will eventually come, but I would rather wait until we sell the house and are truly living apart. I know how to tell him at that point, I have gotten lots of good advice about that. It is just this possible temporary separation that I am worried about. Any advice is welcome, I am so devastated right now, and my main concern is my little boy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 7:44pm

Oh my ... four days is no time at all ... although I am sure it feels like a century. I am so sorry.

Go to the library and get out some books on kids and divorce (Heatherington, Ahrons, Wallerstein). They all pretty much say don't tell a child that young too soon. It should be a week or so before stbx moves out.

Of course if he is leaving right now ... I guess now.

They also say you can warn kids things are tough without saying it is over so that when you do tell them it is over they aren't completely shocked (as you have been).

I would definitely consider talking with a child psychologist if you can afford it.

Sounds like you both plan to try to live near ea. other and be fully involved in your son's life; that is good.

Take it slow; find a counselor and a lawyer. Think things through before you act.

Gl!

M (who has a just 5 yo girl and a 6 1/2 yo girl so I know what you are going through)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 7:46am
Thank you so much for your reply. My stbx came home last night and said he has found a place to go, so I guess we need to tell our boy soon. I am not sure when he is actually leaving, he literally said he found a place, and then left again. He wants to do this amicably, but it is soo hard. I still love him so much and want to have hope. I am also now thinking I need to have my mom come stay with me for a bit, because I am really not functioning well, and it is hard with a very inquisitive and active little boy. Thanks again for your words of encouragement.
ADanah
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 10:35am

Hi there...

I just wanted to chime in with some support as I know what you're going through. My little boy was much younger (18 months) when we separated (he's five now too), so I don't have any first hand experience in telling him... it was just the way things were for him... people used to tell me it was a blessing that it was happening that early and I didn't get it then, but I do now...

On that front, I would really hope that your stbx wants to stay involved with your son--I've seen many parents separate and divorce and actually be better parents for their children (more involved, etc) afterwards, so it can work out well. I would try to arrange some sort of schedule for visitation and daddy time for your son, so that he knows that his father is still there for him, even though he lives somewhere else. Living somewhere else, even though its hard, and choosing to not be involved are two different things...

The other poster mentioned a child psych--I do recommend this, if at all possible. I know that the past two years have been hard on me and my son, but we started seeing a child pscyh in November and the change is very evident.

Also, along the same lines, find someone YOU can talk to--this whole process can be so stressful and devastating that you really need to get a support system in place--talk to your doctor if you're unable to sleep or eat... (the eating thing comes from me--I lost 30 pounds when my xh decided to leave because I couldn't eat)... Counseling can be expensive but there are less costly alternatives that are still valuble such as someone from your church...

I know that when I was first separated, I cried a lot... and whenever I saw my son, I cried, because I could see my xh in my son... so when I cried, he cried... do what you need to do as far as getting the help you need to be strong for your son... who will need you more than ever in the next few months...

Do try to find an attorney--right now all of this is very emotional for you, as it should be--but at the same time, you need to have someone you trust who is going to look out and protect your interests and those of your child. When your stbx leaves, you need to get some sort of child support arrangement going--its not fair that many parents, especially mothers wind up solely supporting their children (unless, of course, that is their choice), when there are the other parents out there--its not about you--its about providing for the child... child support is their right.

Please continue to come back and keep us posted--some of us have been there, others are there right now... vent to us, cry to us, celebrate successes with us... we're here for you... Keep us posted!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 10:14am

Hi there - I am so very sorry that you are going through this, particularly the way in which you are going through it. I am sure you feel completely blind-sided but this sudden turn of events.

I recently separated from my husband and I have two daughters 5 and 3 years old. For the past three months my H has been sometimes staying at a mutual friend's home, sometimes sleeping at home and he also works rotating shifts. Due to his varying schedule, we did not say anything to our daughters about the our separation until the 'For Sale' sign went up on our house. During his absenses we would tell them that daddy had a meeting, was playing hockey etc. They were upset at first but they qickly got used to not having him around all the time. This became their new normal. I also tried to make our time together when daddy wasn't around extra special. Since I have two girls I started "girls night" where we put on our cozy clothes, make hot chocolate and popcorn and watch a 'chick flick' (ie. Barbie movie). They love these nights and very much look forward to them. At first I felt a little devious, like I was misleading them, but my motive was pure of heart, I wanted to spare them the heartache of not having daddy around all the time.

I have to say that the transition from this stage of our separation to actual separate living arrangements was buffered a great deal. They now know that our home has sold and that we are moving to mommy's home and that daddy will have a house too. They are excited about having two bedrooms. But they are expecting to see me more than daddy. That is what they are used to. Our split has been very amicable at this point in time and I think that makes it much easier and less scarey for them as well.

Hang in there Adanah, this is one of the hardest parts of separating.

((((((hugs))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 12:05pm

Well adanah, I'm sorry for all of this.

First off, hubby needs a good swift knee to the crotch. Unhappiness is not an excuse for an affair, its an excuse to allow yourself to be weak and stupid.

I'd let the 5yo know that mommy and daddy both love him and that mommy and daddy will have two houses now. And that mommy and daddy both love him. And that he can talk to, or see, mommy and daddy when ever he wants to. This would be a good conversation to have immediately after hubby gets the knee to the crotch (so he won't have too many objections).

You need to get to a lawyer very quickly, despite your pain and emotional turmoil. Many of the issues you are bringing up are legal in nature. You need to get temporary orders in place to establish child support guidelines in the interrim period, and to help you remain solvent in the current residence. You do not have to sell your house immediately unless both of you want too.

Quite frankly, its in your child's best interest to stay in the residence for a while anyway -- its a calming influence and something with stability.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:02pm
I am crying as I read your response. You have given me the best advice that seems to fit our situation, and was what I really wanted to try and do. My stbx is trying so hard to be nice now, and literally wants to hold my hand through all this, and will do it however I want to. He will be staying at a friend's house, but I do want him to be able to come whenever he can, and hang out with our son or take him out to visit his family. He is an amazing father, but is already away from the home a lot, so my son is used to that. (Of course, now it sickens me that I am realizing why he was out so often, hockey, work dinners etc. He was obviously with the other woman) But anyways, I really didn't want to tell my son until we put the for sale sign on the house. I guess the faster I do that, the shorter the charade will have to be. When we do officially split, I will try and put a positive spin on it all for the sake of my son, so that he wont be scared. But like you said, he will probably be used to spending more time with me anyways (which he already is). Thank you again for your support, and you will be hearing from me again. I think this board is amazing. BTW, I have made a Lawyer appt and stbx doesn't know, I just want to be smart about all this, even though deep down I do trust him. I just need advice on what to do. He is being so open about the finances, and how he sees this panning out, and is promising to take care of us. (I do have a good job, but make less than him) Anyways, we have been best friends for 14yrs, so if anyone can do this amicably, I hope its us. Again, thank you for taking the time to share your story, it has helped me tremendously.
Take care,
ADanah
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:08pm
Thank you Julie. My stbx is a very good father, and wants to stay very involved. We only have his side of the family here, so we will all be tied together no matter what. As for seeking help, I am seeing a counsellor, and my regular doctor weekly for now. I will definitely do so for my son once this all comes out. Seeing a lawyer on Wed. My mom is also coming to stay starting this Wednesday, as I have asked my stbx to leave Tuesday.
Thank you for your support, and I am sure you will hear from me again! Unfortunately there is a long road ahead!
ADanah
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 1:33pm

Hi there - post any time and/or feel free to contact me through email via my ivillage profile as well.
I am glad that you are seeing a lawyer - it is just good business to make sure that you have all of your ducks in a row - so to speak. I honestly feel that easing into this situation with STBX not really being at home very much has been the key to how well our daughters are adapting. It has been a very gradual process for them. They have asked questions along the way - Why isn't daddy sleeping at home etc? Due to their ages I have, on more than one occasion, had to tell them a little white lie. They know that they are very much loved and both their mom and their dad are able to hang out together and have a civil conversation - again very much the key to an easier transition for the children.
My situation is a litte different than your but I did go through a very short phase of pure anger directed at my STBX for being so selfish and putting all of us through this. But it was short lived and I am actually feeling pretty good about the possibilities that the future holds.

Best of luck to you - you are in my thoughts. Feel free to write anytime.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs