Help with unwanted separation: new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Help with unwanted separation: new here
6
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 8:37am
Hello, I am new to the board but have been reading posts and am hoping some of you would be willing to give me advice or any wonderful bits of wisdom that you have learned on your journeys through separation/divorce. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years but together for 10. I am 32 and he is 28. To make a long story short, we are spending the year in Italy but normally reside in the states. We came here for a job exchange (my job). We have always had what I considered to be an ideal marriage and friendship. We have never had any major problems or issues and I thought that we were both happy. Our future plans included buying a home and trying to start a family upon our return from Italy next summer. My husband announced to me suddenly after being here 5 weeks that he wanted to separate and return to the states. I was absolutely shocked. I had no idea that he was unhappy or that he had been thinking about a separation. He had seemed very excited to come here and spend the year traveling etc. He explained to me that the problem wasn't "me" or "us" but "him". He basically told me that he felt he needed to "start over" with his life and figure out who he is and what he wants. He told me that even though he loves me, he has to think about himself right now and can't focus on anything outside of that. He feels as though he has been "floating along" through life and never took the time to figure out what he really wanted or made any decisions for himself. He stressed to me that there wasn't anything I had done to cause this but that the problem was within him. This was the first I had heard of this in our 10 years together. I can vouch for the fact that he has been unhappy, but I always attributed that to the fact that he hated his job (which he quit to come here) and didn't know what he wanted to do career-wise. Apparently, he thought that was the problem too, but when he actually quit his job he realized that wasn't the answer. So he decided that leaving this marriage and separating to totally be on his own would be the better answer. He isn't willing to go to counseling (for himself or for us) because he doesn't think that would solve the problem. I maintain that even if he wouldn't go for "us", he should go for himself. He has never been able to really commit to a job etc. and I'm wondering if his running away from our marriage doesn't stem from the same inner problem.
So, he has left me here in Italy all by myself for the remainder of the year. I won't return home until next August and he made it clear that he thought I shouldn't put my life on hold for me. He wants me to move on. However, he never mentioned "divorce".
I am so devastated by all of this that I'm not sure what to do. To make matters worse, his Dad had been sick in the hospital. He left here on Saturday to return to the states and then his dad died unexpectedly on Monday. I have been trying to find someone who has experienced a similiar situation who can give me some insight as to what happened? There is honestly no "other woman" and there are no abuse/addiction issues. My husband said that he still loved me and was attracted to me etc. but that he saw no other option but to leave. According to him, he had reached a "dead-end" and had to change something in his life. I don't understand why he wouldn't even try to make our marriage work; it seems like he is just giving up and running away. Coping with unexpected separation is hard enough but doing this in another country far from my family and friends is really scary and tough. Can anyone share their experiences or give me some words of advice etc? I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:54pm

OMG! I feel like you've been a spider on my wall for the last 3.5 months. Even the Italy part is close!

I just want to say that you are not alone. I really don't have a lot to say right now as the situation is too raw for me. This just finally happened 3 days ago, but I just want you to know that I really know EXACTLY how you feel. The only exception is that I'm not in another country.

I hope to someday be able to discuss our terrible situation with you and maybe make each other feel just a little better, but again, please know, it's not just you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:04pm
It is definitely not just you.........I still can't quite figure out how I got here (separated for 10 weeks). My husband was always unhappy too, and I always wanted to work on things. Hang in there........at least we can all try to be ther efor eachother!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:50pm
Waskiclan- thank you for reassuring me that I'm not the only one going through this horrible situation; but I'm sorry that you are going through it too! when you are ready to talk about it, post on here and I'll listen. It would be good to get someone else's perspective who is going through the same thing. This is "fresh" for me too (my husband left 5 days ago) so I definitely understand how you feel. Hope to hear from you again-
Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:27am
I too am going through a situation similar to yours. My wife of 7 years had announced that she wanted a divorce. Like in your situation the spouse wants, no counceling or attempts to repair the relationship. I now see that my wife has been preparing herself (emotionally) for this event for many months. She just shut me out emotionally despite my attempts to connect with her. I was always willing to give her what I could, but it was never good enough. Many people are lured by the greener grass. I've always believed that happiness is not getting the things you want, but wanting the things you have. That belief has enabled me to always focus on my wife and never stray from our marriage.
Being blindsided with a decsision like this is what hurts the most. I NEVER expected my marriage to end this way. I still love her dearly, but it is not recipricated. Picking up the pices is hard to do. A marriage takes 2 commited people, it doesn't work with only one person always giving of themself.
At this point when you know the spouse is definately going another way, you need to protect your self. Grieve, surround yourself with supportive friends & seek counseling. The pain will be with you for a long time. There are never any good or satisfing answers when you are going through so much pain. But you need to take care of yourself, nobody else will do that, only you.
I don't know if this has helped you. This is from mans perspective. Who dosen't completely understand the why of it all, but tying to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 12:07pm

Welcome to the board rockymtnman


Do you live in the rockies... or just dream about them?


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 8:21am

Hi Road,


You have my empathy. My first husband did very much the same thing. He couldn't "decide" about anything during our courtship or marriage. Looking back, I realized his basic issue was the inability to make a commitment. I know it sounds odd: he married me.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020