HELP what is this about

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
HELP what is this about
5
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 12:21pm
Hi all, this is going to be lengthy but thanks for reading, I have no idea where I am in life anymore,all I know is I am split from my husband for the 4th time.... Yes I know I'm crazy but I do love him very much, but that has to be a two way street. Last night I went out with friends. My husband showed up came in downed a beer in 10 seconds it seemed like and left in a huff. then about 1 hr later came back tapped me on the shoulder and said "I want to thank you for being in my life" I said what the hell is that about... he said no I really mean it I loved you very much at one time but I'm happy being alone, and I said then you don't love me anymore and he said I'm happy being alone.... But why would he even say that....... He is 53 yrs old...still into the drinking and smoking Pot, which I am totally against but he will not stop. I even gave into that the last reconciliation but things are stillthe same it lasted 4 months this time. I don't understand how things can one day be wonderful and then the next he wants to leave again... But once again I am the one left behind picking up the pieces. I know I am better then that, I deserve better but how can i get my heart to agree with my head. I'm not tooting my own horn but I am a class above him, but even that doesn't matter when you love someone but don't love who they have become, we where together for almost 9 yrs and it's only been the past 1 1/2 yrs that this has been going on....HOW DO I GET MYSLEF OF THE ROLLERCOASTER. I need to know before I allow this to destroy me... I hate being alone... HELP me get past this. thank you so much for listening to a grown women whine....Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:00pm

You need to stay away from where he frequents. Maybe get another place to socialize that you know he will not be coming into. Let him alone. You are never alone in the company of friends and opportunities. Volunteer your spare time to helping others. You will be glad you did and will meet a lot of nice decent people.

If you are working and can support yourself, that is a plus. Part of my problem is that I cannot support myself. I do not make enough to pay my car payment and rent. Or eat. Big problem with the ability to support self issue. If it were not for that I would be gome a long time ago.

I am sorry that you are having a bad time. It will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 1:08pm
Thank you for your words of encouragement. That is one thing that I am thankful for I own my own home I did before I even meet him. I have a new I can afford everything on my own as I did before him, I am lucky in that respect. You would think that I should be happy getting rid of someone that is not good for me. Sometimes I think I need my head examined, this should be a happy time, my kids are grown, I'm self sufficent but my life is in turmoil... I know you are right it will get better but OMG what do I have to do to get there....I am sorry that you are stuck because of finances that must be so horrible for you, I wish you luck. Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 2:37pm

One thing that I have done is go back to school---state college courses on line. I am trying to better my job prospects and money situation. Because I work full time it is hard becuse I can only take 2 classes a semester and be able to cope. After all day working he insists I cook a full course meal at night. If I don't it is a set up for more abuse. We own a home together, so I can not just kick him out, and even if I did, after the mortgage payment I could not afford to pay utilities and eat. I am hoping to get myself into a better money situation through education and working longer. My health is getting worse though, and now I am on blood presssure meds and anti depressants/anxiety drugs.I hope that in the future I can have us sell thehouse and I can go elsewhere and pay cash for a nice little place and still have money left over.

He is a Nam vet and very violent. He uses pot to escape. He was seeing a psych doc for years and I do not understand what happened, but the Doctor quit giving him return appointments and will not retrun our calls. This has been going on since March. So, he has gotten worse because he was in the middle of a medication change. He has been physically abuseive in the past. Denys it because he says he never kicked my ass, but he did. He is very verbally threatening, and has smashed up my lincoln town car that I inherited from my Mother, smashed up my things, tore up my college text books, etc. I have pictures of all this. I kept on my computer. He even forced me (under threats) to put 15K of my inheritance money into this house to do things, and give him all but 3K for a boat for him. I know it sounds crazy, but he really did threaten me.
What a mess, huh?

Through it all I knnow that someday it will change :) I keep studying and I keep working hard and trying to keep the peace here until the day....does not help that we have a disabled 24 year old son here too. He was born premature and I believe it was because of the physical abuse. Of course, he denys it, but I know the truth.

Sorry for rambling, but I have never had anyone to tell this all to before. No body want to know what the truth is .

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 4:57pm
How much is enough? You need to get the heck outta there. NOW. Put some distance between you and him. The house can be sold. I am not an Attorney but If you have proof of what you have put into house put it in a safe place. I really think you need to get an attorney ASAP.
There is no house that is worth more than you or your son. Keep important documents in a bank or with a relitive. It's not worth sticking around to see if he is ever going to get it together. It ain't gonna happen.
You can contact a womans shelter. They will help you and your son. There are alot of places that will help you. But there is only one person that can take the first step. The peace that comes with saftey is worth more than money can buy. Please think about what you are putting yourself and your son through.
I am almost positive there is an abuse board on here. Like I said there is only one person that can help you. I left and never looked back. I put a kid on each hip and left. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 5:11pm
Omg, I feel for you, I know what you are talking about with the Pot smoking I don't care what they say I know it alters there thought process. It is a shame what you are going through, you deserve better, it must be hard working and doing school work and taking care of a house and then on top of all that HIM.... geeeze, I hope that like you said one day soon you can get out of this situation. Good luck to you.