HELP!!!I'm so messed up again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
HELP!!!I'm so messed up again!
8
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 4:44pm
Well I have only posted on here a couple of times. I read alot of your stories and can relate to some of them. My story is a bit different in that my husband has moved out(6 long wks ago) but has been in contact with me via text or phone every day. My daughter went to camp so as a family we drove her down. The trip didn't go so well as his "friend" kept texting him or phoning the whole time we were away. He never answered them as he didn't want to cause me any grief and he didn't tell her that he was even taking me with him to drop our DD off. This week went by and the contact continued every day. Last night we went as a family again to pick DD up from camp. He had told me he was excited about spending time with us and the texts throughout the day has many I Love You's etc. in them. We got back home and things were great. We made love and then the dreaded time came for him to depart back to the "friend's" house. He has been living with her since he moved out. In the past 6 weeks he has been over to our home and at least once a week we have made love. To make a long story short, I still love him with all of my heart and will take him back in a heart beat. After last night I told him he didn't have to leave, his comment "was all of my stuff is over there". The only thing he took when he left was his clothes. Well it is now late afternoon and I haven't received one text or phone call from him. I know I have been used so badly by him and this other woman in my mind is very obsessed with him. He is a great guy and I can't believe that he has done this to me. I honestly think that he is confused and he doesn't really know what he wants, the carefree life with the gf or a future with myself and our 3 kids. We have been together for 20 years. I'm not ready to throw it all away, but guess he is. What can I do?? Help please! I know you will all say stay away from him and no contact at all but I can't I love him to much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:08pm
Be strong and quit sleeping with him!!! He is using you. He is getting it from you and from her. If he wanted to be with you, he would move back in and break it off with her. He doesn't and isn't. I know it sounds harsh, but it is harsh. I am having to face the same things. I need this stuff said to me also!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 12:24pm
Thanks for the post. Yes I know you are exactly right. But I can't help it. I know he still loves me and if I can hang on to him I'm gonna. I guess a time will come when I will say I've had enough and can't take anymore crap. Right now I know I am causing her problems and problems between them, so if I can do that and have her feel a bit of what I felt over the last many months, I'm gonna do it. I hate her so much, I will do anything to cause her grief. I feel like killing her some days as I do him, but that will get me no where. We have done no legal papers, but I'm gonna call legal aid tomorrow. Maybe if I start the ball rolling he will make a decision. I know he wants to keep in contact with me and the kids and most divorces cause people to hate each other. He says he doesn't hate us and never will and doesn't want a sour relationship between us. But I don't know how long I can be nice when he's not offering not much in $$$ to help me out. I know he doesn't have a lot of $$$ to help out with, but he seems to be able to do things with her and her kids. I know what I should be doing, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything. I want this nightmare to end and hope that it is all a bad dream and then I wake up each morning alone and start the process all over again. The July long weekend I had thought ok I'm gonna be alright and make it through this ordeal, until he texted me and then called me to say he knows he screwed up and misses us and loves us. Of course, I haven't been the same since then. He obviously doesn't love or miss us enough to leave her and come back to us. I'm so messed up right now, I really don't know what to do. I really miss him and want my family back together. For me and our children.
Thanks for your post and I hope soon I will be able to take control of my life again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 1:23pm

Wow we all seem to be having the same feelings. I have only posted a couple of times my H has been gone for 2 months now. I do not think he is in a relationship with another W but I do think he has stepped over the line one or more times. We have done nothing but argue since he left, because I want him home with me and the kids(we have 3). He has told his mother who I am close to that he can never come home because he has made to many mistakes. We have also still been making love which at the moment is great and than once he leaves I want to kick myself in the butt for giving into him. It is hard not to because I still love him with all of my heart. It also angers me that he feels he gets to decide whether he has made to many mistakes to come home, I think that should be my choice not his. I have decided to try to go with the 180 plan that is in the book Divorce Busting book, it seems to work when I stick with it...but it is so hard when all you want to do is be with that person. I have done good though I have quit calling him and rushing to the phone when he calls, he also started trying to argue with me this morning and I just hung up...which is a hugh step for me I usually fall right into it. I have also gone to legal aid and talked with an attorney, she accepted my case but after I talked to her it hit me like a ton of bricks, I have decided I am not ready for that just yet. I still am trying to hold on to the hope that something good can come of all of this for the kids and I. I am normally such a strong person, but this has completely destroyed me I feel like all I have done is cryed for 2 months now. I can say that it is getting easier as long as I do not talk to him or see him. The bad part about that though is I have to due to us having kids together. I just keep praying for strength to get through this no matter which way it goes.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 5:56pm
Wow C, sounds like you and I are in the same boat. My husband said that he will never forgive himself for what he has done. I have told him that I have forgiven him and want him to come home. He still very much loves me and the kids but is trying to deal with this situation. As long as he is with her, I don't know how he can deal with anything but her problems. Men--can't live with them and can't go on without them!!! :(
I had my husband pick up my daughter at swimming lessons and bring her home this afternoon. Bad move I know, but I wanted so badly to see him. Anyways his so called Friend is to go away this weekend to pick her son up at her sisters. I have asked him not to go and spend the weekend with the kids and I. Telling her a lie that he is working in another town for the weekend would work, as he's been working in this other town for the last two weeks. I know he will seriously think about this as he told me he is trying to find time away from her to spend with us. Like I said, she is very obsessive and I think he's finally realizing this after many months of me telling him. I'd love him to do this and when she finds out, see how she reacts. She'd probably flip and then he'd see her true side. I know I should keep his sorry a** outta my life, but it's impossible when I have such strong feelings for him. Our kids are 14,9 and 5 and he's been a pretty good father to them and I'd hate to take that away from them. The stupid thing for the last month is that we have been getting along better than we had for the last 6 months. Our contact with each other has been more each day than it had been for months. Communication is finally coming together and I hope not too late! The only thing we seem to fight about the last month is money. And that actually hasn't happened a whole lot. I know he wants to help us out, but doesn't have the $$ to do it. And that is not because he's spending most of it on her. He just doesn't have it to spend. Never did and not sure if he ever will. Keep posting and keep me informed of your situation. I wish you luck and hope that things will work out for all of us who are in this situation. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:44pm
I can't say that I haven't done it before but in no way I am going to knowingly sleep with someone who is sleeping with someone else. I work at a hospital and see far too many women that are HIV+. Unless you all have been tested together please be careful. You may feel better thinking that you are hurting her by still sleeping with your husband but does anyone know who she is sleeping with when he is sleeping with you? You say he's confused, I say he is having his cake and eating it too!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:50pm

Well there seems to have been a break through tonight with my H. I have been trying to do the 180 plan everyone talks about and it seems to be working for me. My H came tonight and was trying to get me to give him attention like I always do and I resisted. When he tried to argue with me I would not do it and walked away from him. He has called several times trying to say that I have moved on with my life and that I do not need him anymore, which is the things I have said to him before I started trying to do this 180 plan. My H also said that he wanted to stay here at the house tonight but because I was being so distant he just went back to his place. Hopefully this a big step in the right direction, It makes me feel kind of back in control of myself and not so desperate. I am also glad I have been able to stick with this for a week(even though I know that is not very long it is when you love someone and want nothing but to be with them).

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:19am

He's a stupid man. He moved straight in with his girlfriend when in actual fact if he was unsure if he wanted to stay in his marriage then he should have had some time out from both of you. He'll never make up his mind while you're both giving him exactly what he wants. You need to cut off all contact with him except for matters relating to the children.

Believe me I know. My H had an A for 6 years. His girlfriend rang and told me after our DS was born 4 years ago and I threw DH out. He fencesat, same as your H, for a year and a half and finally seemed to be postive he wanted me and the kids. We sold up that house, bought another, got into a stack of debt trying to "make him happy". I never got over it, he still contacted her after we moved into the new house.

As far as I know he's been faithful for the past 2 years BUT he's not in love with me. I feel it in every inch of my body. I'm no longer in love with him. Too much hurt, too much betrayal, too much everything. Our house has just gone on the market and we're splitting for good. It has been a hellish 4 years since DDay. The children suffered at the beginning but they've also suffered through the whole 4 years (and the previous 6 that he was in his A). My DD can't wait to get out of this house and for us to separate because she thinks of this house as doom and gloom, anger and fighting...

As long as your husband acts like a child and doesn't accept what he is doing to you and your children. As long as he has his cake and eats it too, you will never feel happy. You deserve better and so do your children. Don't make my mistake and believe you are doing the right thing for the kids. The right thing for the kids is that their mum and dad are both happy whether that be alone or together. Some guys get it together and maybe he will choose you but not while he is allowed both.

Cut him loose and don't give in until you have proof that he is with you 100%.

Hugs and please let me know how else I can help. I've been through it all.....and I'm coming out the other end a happier and much stronger person.

Love Gabby

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 10:38am
Thanks Gabby. I can't believe that my life has come to this. We were a happy family up until this woman began telling my husband her problems. My husband is a person who will help anyone out and when she realized she was causing problems in our marriage, she cont'd to constantly need him. I know I try to blame her for this mess, but he had a big part in it I know. If she was supposed to be a "friend", then she would have backed off and left him alone when she realized she was causing problems. She is a very needy person and I'm pretty independant so maybe that is what he was looking for. I'm so very confused. I'm gonna give things another week and see what he decides to do this weekend. Either stay back in town with us, or head away with her for the weekend. I'm pretty sure he's plans to go away and if that's the case, I will be heading to legal aid to help me get what I need. I love him with all of my heart but I can't continue to be hurt like this. We live in a small town so there is no getting away from them. I still can't believe that he's doing this to me. He needs to stop telling me that he loves me and misses me, but I know that he means it and am a wreck when I don't hear from him. I thank you for your advice and know that I'm gonna have to make the decision for him. If he decides to stay with her after no contact with me or the kids, then I know that he is really off his rocker. My kids are not allowed any contact with her and if he chooses her over our kids, he's really losing out. Things are so confusing!!! I can't seem to go many days the last 6 months without crying or being on the verge of tears. I have support from so many of his family which he has lost contact within the last 3 months. His family was important to him, so that is what I can't understand how he has changed so much since this whole thing started. His family can't believe what's happened either. I hope that things will work out, but I sure don't know. I know I have to let him go, but that is so hard to do. Thank you all for your support!